Friday, December 14, 2007

Crazypants McGillicutty

At this point I trust ESPN's college football coverage about as much as I trust Elton John with my penis, but word on the street is that Rich Rodriguez, head coach of West Virginia and recent underachiever, has been in super-secret meetings with Sir Bumblefuck Bill Martin and The Mary Sue Terminator.

Now, factually, there is no news to report. This whole story is a bunch of unverified shenanigans. But we were introduced to a poor sap named Ed Pastilong, athletic director at WVU. The man is clueless to the situation ("Pastilong said he was unaware Rodriguez, who has a hefty buyout clause in his contract, was in Toledo") and could be on the brink of losing two of his coaches to Michigan in the same calendar year. Couches beware.

As for this potential hire by our beloved Wolverines, I must say it seems like they are trying to find Low-Carb Les. Rodriguez built the West Virginia football program from inbred hicks and spare sphincters and can claim every last inch of its success for himself. He is a winner whose National Championship hopes have been dashed year after year (although, until this year, he was more a victim of unfortunate circumstances than an Art Shell fuck-up. But this excuse.)

As great as Double-R's track record is, he would get demolished in the Big Ten, which obviously tells you I am not so thrilled by this development. Think about the tremendous offensive success that WVU has found under Rodriguez. They run the ball at will, even against the most talented defenses. Now think about replacing Pat White with Ryan Mallett and see how that scheme plays out. Does it still work? Are you off the crack pipe?

Look, Rodriguez has done well for himself and I'm happy. He's right where he belongs. But he can't close, he can't coach a Big Ten offense, and he can't keep his players out of prison. This man sent Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry to the NFL. Until they got, you know, suspended and fined for getting tossed in the slammer.

The point is that Michigan blew its chance with Les Miles, a fiery caveman of a coach, and they went looking for the next-best attitude instead of the next-best coach. There is nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing about Rich Rodriguez that says "Michigan" to me. Except for the fact that he wouldn't have to change his wardrobe.

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