Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Daily SAll-Star: Chris Weinke

Today's SAll-Star holds numerous prestigious passing records in the ACC, but his most cherished accomplishment by far was made manifest just last week: On December 7th, 2007, former Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke reached the nigh-impossible milestone of Oldest Person Ever.

Weinke, aged 137, was reportedly ecstatic about his sole possession of the new record but was unable to comment due to a lack of teeth and bowels.

"I have to remove shit from my father's small intestine by hand at least six times an hour," said Postlewaite Offenbach Weinke, his 94-year-old son. "My forearms have smelt exclusively of corn and limburger tapioca for almost twenty years."

Weinke shatters the previous record of 122 years by the late Jeanne Calment of France, who in a postmortem interview with Dick Schaap said, "Fuck that old motherfucker. I'm French." She then added, "Oui oui, HONH HONH HONH," before terminating the interview.

Perhaps the second-most notable of Weinke's accomplishments was his stunning Heisman Trophy-winning season for the Free Shoes University Seminoles, which he achieved at the tender young age of 114. Weinke's dazzling accuracy and intoxicating body odor stymied defenses, setting the stage for Weinke's epic midfield bowel movement against in-state rival Miami in the final week of the season. The Heisman voters, nauseated beyond comprehension, awarded Weinke the coveted Heisman Trophy two weeks later.

"HUuuuuuUuuuuUUuUuuUUuUUUUuuuh, I love balogna on rye," Weinke said in his acceptance speech.

Postlewaite Weinke attributes his father's long life to the generous eight-figure salary provided by FSU CEO Bobby Bowden, himself 121 years old, during Weinke's 72-year tenure at Free Shoes.

"Yes, the money was certainly beneficial to my dad in college," the younger Weinke said, "But I'd like to take a little credit for shoveling his feces out of his vital organs for two decades. Not to sound selfish or anything."

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