Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Hi, I'm Bobby Petrino and I'm a Big Wet Turd

The following was recorded from Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank's office phone on Tuesday, December 11th, 2007.

"Hi, Art. It's Bobby. Bobby Petrino, your head coach."
"Oh, hi, Bobby, what can I do for you?"
"Well, Art, my star quarterback was just sentenced to 23 months in federal prison. I'm sure you heard about it."
"Yes, Bobby, I did. Mike and I were very close before this ordeal began. It's been a public relations nightmare for the organization."
"And my current starting quarterback is Joey Harrington. You probably knew that, too."
"Yes, of course."
"Art, I'm sure you're also aware that this team is 3-10 and only getting worse, right?"
"Well, I don't know if I would say that, Bobby. I trust you to turn this franchise around within two or three years."
"Say, Art, do you remember when you gave me $24 million?"
"Yes, of course I do, Bobby. I paid you with my own money."
"And do you remember my qualifications for this job?"
"I certainly do, because the list was about one item long. You led a spectacular offense at a midcard school and experienced moderate success before I threw wads of cash at you. Why do you ask?"
"Well, you see, Art, the Falcons suck. I mean they really suck balls. This is a bad team. And, shucks, I'm a pretty fucking bad coach. I was absurdly overhyped for an NFL head coaching position. Also, my balls itch."
"Bobby, what are you saying?"
"What I'm saying, Art, is that the University of Arkansas just called me. Now I don't know if you've heard of it, but it has a reputation for ridiculous expectations with minimal talent. Somehow, they consider me the man most capable of satiating their ludicrous desires. I noticed your mouth was open. It's crazy, I know! I mean, here you have me, Coach Bobby P., a man who never should have left his cushy post at a school where nobody gives a shit about the football team. I took a job that I didn't deserve and I got a bum deal with my star player. So I'm just doing what any man would do: jumping ship like a total pussy. The funniest part is that I'm bound to be a spectacular failure wherever I go! Especially the SEC!"
"You're speechless. I understand. You've been good to me, Art. Way too good. I probably deserve to be paid in parking tickets. But you didn't. You actually gave me money. And for that, fuck you, Art. Fuck you fifty times."

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