I love penis. Penis is the greatest. Shizzle McSnizzle! I'm so good at coaching football that my testicles explode. LA LA LA LA LA!
Hey, did you know that my teams have sucked since we won the Super Bowl? Did you know that Ray Lewis receives 75% of my annual salary just so he won't murder me? Did you know that I am Smug Asshole Number One in all of professional football, including "Mark Cuban?"
I EAT SHIT. MY NAME IS BRIAN BILLICK AND I SUCK AS MUCH AS A MAN CAN SUCK. I should go fuck myself because I'm so FUCKING AWFUL.
You know who should hire me? NOBODY. After all, I've never been a head coach before the Ravens hired me. Also, I'm old. And I went to Brigham Young.
Would you like to know something extremely fucked up about me, Brian Dick Cheese Billick? Before I entered coaching, I attempted to make a fucking career out of appearing on game shows in the late 1970's. That would be a funny joke if it weren't actual fucking history.
Here's another fact you probably could have guessed about me, since it's totally obvious: I bathe in my own semen. That is how much unwarranted admiration I have for myself.
In closing, I should rot in hell for all eternity.