Friday, January 11, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Donald Brashear

Donald Brashear is not the greatest hockey player ever. I only say this because Donald Brashear is not actually a hockey player. He is probably not even human. Donald Brashear is, however, the most prolific kicker of ass in our lifetime. I guarantee it. You may present boxers, cage fighters, even Kimbo Slice--they simply don't measure up to Brashear. He is a machine bred for one purpose: to inflict pain on everyone at all times.

Donald Brashear probably wasn't born in 1972, either. He clearly comes from eighth-century BC Carthage, where he was undefeated in gladatorial combat for over seventeen years. His birth name is actually Hamunaptra Gilgamesh, but spectators in Carthage dubbed him "Donald" because "Donald" was the noise his opponents' spines made after he sucked the marrow out of them.

Eventually, Donald somehow made his way to late 90's Canada, where, fortunately for him, his inability to do anything besides kill people parlayed nicely into a professional hockey career. He took the NHL by storm, and even as a rookie caused fits of diarrhea in previously-respected defensemen throughout the league. He has logged at least 200 penalty minutes in a season ten times in his fifteen-year NHL career, including a virtually incomprehensible 372 in 1997. He also seems to have the record for most shirtless interviews. I post those videos only to prove his shirtlessness, not to actually hear him speak. No matter how high you set your volume, the Indiana native will still sound like a Dominican who has just been in car accident for no particular reason. Most people have learned by now not to question Donald's actions.

He has been personally responsible for some awesome records in hockey, such as the longest suspension ever, the most penalties ever assessed in one game, and (in approximately two seasons) most penalty minutes in a career.

In short, Donald Brashear will wreck your shit if he feels like it and there will be nothing you can do to stop him.

This video is simply extraordinary. I highly recommend watching it before any high-adrenaline activities, such as a sporting event, final exam, or wedding.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

brashear was born in indiana, but moved to quebec at a very early ago. since he was raised in french canada, he doesn't have an american accent.