Daily SAll-Star: Mapother IV

"I'm Gay."

Some of you may not know that Tom Cruise's real name is not actually Tom Cruise. Now, he didn't totally conjure up the "Cruise"--which would have been pretty douchey for a random name, like "Tom Steel" or "Thomas Thetankengine"--but it's not his last name. Tom Cruise was born Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, and apparently somebody traced the Mapother clan back to 12th century Wales. So that explains the teeth.

Now then, he's been using the "Cruise" handle for about 30 years, and it's worked quite well for his career. But at this point, after all the couch jumping, squirt whining, "half-acking," corpse saluting, bride kidnapping, interview molesting, cult spreading, nonsense spewing, psychiatry hating, and alien worshiping, has he not entered a world so dark and incomprehensible in its psychosis that "Tom Cruise" has effectively died?





Those videos make me love Jesus.

Keeping in tradition with Scientology's horseshit abbreviations and extraterrestrial origins, I suggest Tom make a modification to the name he was given at birth. No more will we see and hear TOM CRUISE, PROFESSIONAL ACTOR but

MAPOTHER IV
FIRST LIEUTENANT XENU MILITIA
BADGE ID 24601
OT-LEVEL 8

Onward! Onward I say!

"Can I be Joseph Goebbels instead?"