Saturday, January 5, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Mark Mangino

Mark Mangino is fat.
Mark Mangino is gigantic.
Mark Mangino is the biggest fucking human on the face of the earth. I almost cannot comprehend his girth. I look at Mangino and I lose brain cells.

But who is the man behind the rippling ocean of flesh? Let's take a look.

Mark Mangino was born August 26, 1956 in the town of White Castle, Pennsylvania. Did I say White Castle? I meant New Castle. He graduated from prestigious Youngstown State University in 1987. Another way of saying that is that he didn't graduate from Youngstown State University until he was 31 years old. Hmm.

He served as head coach of Geneva College after graduation until 1991, when he became an assistant at Kansas State. In 1999, he moved to Norman to run the offense of the 2000 national championship Oklahoma Sooners squad. That year, he won the Frank Broyles Award for the nation's best assistant coach. The University of Kansas hired Mangino as head coach prior to the 2002 season. It is unknown at which stage of his career did he become an enormous asshole.

Yes, almost as legendary as his nigh-incomprehensible obesity is his short, fat, bald temper. One particularly salty outburst was caught on camera earlier this season, but Mangino has reportedly been a mean-spirited son of a bitch for years. One such example is his apeshit tantrum at his son's high school football game just before Kansas began the 2002 football season. I can only imagine the terror that spread throughout the bleachers as fans and family members watched a psychotic cave troll devour the poor linesmen while his son simply stood and watched in silent embarrassment.

Perhaps the most horrifying fact about Mark Mangino is that he has children. I will expand on the matter no further, as it would require us to acknowledge the idea of him being naked and sexually active. Oops. Shit.

Oh, and congratulations to Kansas for winning the Orange Bowl or whatever. The fatness of your coach is far more important than any on-field success.

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