Monday, March 10, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: R. Kelly

Allow me to make something abundantly clear: R. Kelly is awesome. Let's establish why.

1. He believes he can fly.
2. You remind him of his Jeep.
3. I'll bet you wouldn't have guessed he was 41 years old.
4. His remixes are hot and fresh out of the kitchen, much like hot cross buns.
5. He has the power to manipulate time itself.
6. His 22-part operatic "Trapped in the Closet*" is responsible for bird flu.
7. He pisses on 14-year-old girls.

Let us examine one of his music videos. In this spirited duet with Usher "Usher" Raymond, R. Kelly proves that he has only one number saved in his cell phone (Usher's), he is part owl, the third-most important description of his fiancée is her license plate number, he dates a single mother who calls her son "Waffle House," he has a cigar surgically attached to his hand, and of course, he sings about his romantic troubles whilst playing sweaty basketball.

*Running time: 84 minutes. Not kidding.

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