Friday, March 28, 2008
Daily SAll-Star: TECHNO VIKING
Ordinarily we provide some sort of backstory with our SAll-Stars. Where they were born, how they got their start, why they're (in)famous, etc. Basically we give you the reason for our selection and then we try to hide for our literary inadequacies with pretty pictures and video clips. But today's SAll-Star is just a scoche more enigmatic than most. Fortunately, this is not a problem, because it's obvious that he defines himself quite clearly. As TECHNO VIKING!
I can't say for sure where he's from, how old he is, what drugs he shoots in his ass, what he calls his dance moves, or anything about his past. But considering his extraordinary nature, I believe I have some reasonable assumptions:
TECHNO VIKING is from Iceland. 600,000 years ago.
TECHNO VIKING's drug cocktail of choice is Big Dick McGillicutty's scotch bonnet pepper taco sauce injected directly into his perineum.
TECHNO VIKING loves The Great Mouse Detective.
TECHNO VIKING defeated Erik the Red and Hrothgar with his dance moves by attaching enormous razor blades (severed wings of conquered dragons) to his wrists and flailing about viciously throughout the kingdoms of ancient Scandinavia.
TECHNO VIKING is not extraordinarily flamingly homosexual, nor is he a binge-raping steak addicted manbeast. He has no interest in human sexuality because he conquered it by impregnating the Earth with the Sky many moons ago.