Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Daily Diabetic: Big Country

Bryant Reeves is a big boy. At 7 feet tall and officially weighing in at 275 pounds (although he is probably closer to 375), the native of tiny Gans, Oklahoma would probably have made a dominant farmer, considering his ability to eat sickly cows by himself would have both maintained genetic superiority amongst his livestock as well as terrified them into providing delicious milk. However, Big Country chose to employ his girth on the basketball court, of all places. Reeves played a bruising, physical style of eating, often beating his dining companions about the head and shoulders in order to ensure his dominance at the dinner table.

He kind of sucked at basketball.

He was selected sixth overall in the 1995 NBA Draft by the Vancouver Grizzlies in their inaugural draft, explaining their 22-60 record 13 years later. Big Country was taken six spots ahead of Cherokee Parks and 22 spots ahead of Greg Ostertag, making the 1995 NBA Draft the greatest Useless White Man draft of all time. After his rookie season, the Grizzlies gave Big Country $62 million to eat himself to death so he wouldn't ruin their basketball team anymore, but the plan backfired when he only gained weight instead of dying immediately.

I recently unearthed two clips from an alternate universe in which Big Country defeated Tim Duncan and Marcus Camby in actual basketball. Which we all know is physically impossible.

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