Sunday, October 19, 2008

Might As Well Legislate

So Barack O'Boutros is going to run a preposterously long advertisement/documentary/biopic/ice cream sandwich before Game 6 of the World Series. I say whatever. If you are like me and Ben and many other Americans, and you're simply not satisfied with the two major-party candidates, don't forget: in America, you can vote for literally whomever you want. It might be illegal, and your ballot will likely wipe someone's butt, but you can write anyone's name on that sumbitch. Which is precisely why we need our ridiculous and stupid voices to be heard: Vote David Lee Roth for President!

THAT'S RIGHT, DAMMIT, we're voting for Diamond Dave. And you should too.

Let's face facts: John McCain is preposterously old. He's probably going to die in a week or two. So if you vote for him, you're not really voting for John McCain. You're voting for President Sarah Palin. You do not want this, because you do not want a president who lack the cognitive ability to operate a can opener. And Barack, he's got fancy words. He's young, he's change-y. But when Habib Falafel sends a million pounds of gasoline flying into the Sears Tower, who do you want calling the retaliatory shots? Probably not a man with two years in the Senate under his belt. Although his Muslim telepathy could prove useful in foiling many a Taliban plot.

So there's only one choice. After all, how many men have caught malaria and had clauses written into their performance contracts banning brown M&M's from the dressing room? Only Diamond Dave.


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