The Gene Chizik Assblaster

Football tie equals football victories

So yesterday I shared my confounded bepuzzlement at the idea of Brady Hoke to San Diego State, or in general terms, a meagerly-jobworthy coach coming off a contract-making breakout year selling himself miles short by going to a program that deserves to hire I-AA defensive coordinators. A massive step down, if you will.

I also cited West Virginia's panicky hire of kindly old racist Bill Stewart as its head coach after approximately 40 minutes as their interim head coach. That hire has been generally considered the worst coaching move in college football since Washington fired His Beautifulness Rick Neuheisel.

But it has since been topped. To the max.

Auburn University, half of the second-most important rivalry in college football, hired Iowa State's head coach and former Auburn assistant Gene Chizik to run its football program for the foreseeable future.

Chizik's defensible resume includes only his four-year stretch as defensive coordinator of Auburn and then Texas. It wasn't a stretch by Iowa State whatsoever to assume that the DC of an undefeated SEC champion and a one-loss, USC-slaying national champion would deserve an upgrade to HC, especially in the piss-poor Big 12 North.

Well, unfortunately for the probably-talented Chizik, he fell flat on his face, and Iowa State sucked big time under his leadership (5-19 in two seasons, to be precise). Chizik, it seems, stinks after all. And in more ways than one.

College football is unique along with basketball in the recruiting aspect of the sport. Following the recruitment of the nation's top high school players has become as much a part of college football as the games themselves. And part of gauging a school's hire is not just the incoming coach's football record, but recruiting record as well.

During Tommy Tuberville's reign as Auburn HC, the Tigers only got better at recruiting. They were in the Top 10 nationally three of the past four seasons, with the no. 7 recruiting class two years ago.

Chizik, conversely, has zero Top 10 classes. He has zero Top 20 classes. He has zero Top 50 classes. In three years of recruiting, Gene Chizik has pulled two four-star recruits. That's it. One of them (running back JJ Bass) only dressed for six games this season. The other one (wide receiver Sedrick Johnson) topped out at 41 yards receiving against Kansas State. And now Auburn and Iowa State commits alike are abandoning ship.

Now I'm confused. I'm certainly not upset; I don't care about Auburn football. But Auburn fans are upset. They are livid. They might kill Auburn's athletic director and eat his balls.





If you want some truly post-apocalyptic despair, head over to Joe Cribbs Car Wash, where Jerry Hinnen has been keeping a running diary of tears and diarrhea since the hire was announced.

Alabama fans are not as upset.