Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Let's Be Honest

Let's get the concessions out of the way first. Beyonce is a terrible actress on par with Madonna in Dick Tracy. Ali Larter is not nearly hot enough, and I mean by a galaxy of hotness, to make the idea that a super-handsome black man would consider leaving his wife Beyonce for her work. And, sadly for him, Idris Elba will probably never be able to make a film without at least thirty percent of the audience ask, "Why is Stringer Bell in this movie?"

Obsessed probably has some other problems, too, like a terrible script with ham-fisted dialogue, a total zero for a director, Jerry O'Connell is in it, and perhaps most overlooked is the fact that it was released by Screen Gems. Screen Gems is awful.

You are waiting for the "but!"


I honestly don't care. This movie looks so awesomely terrible I can barely contain my exuberance. Allow me to elaborate.

1. Idris Elba is the male lead of this film. Idris Elba is notable for two things: playing Stringer Bell on The Wire and being supremely good-looking.

2. The plot, while contrived, formulaic, and stale, manages to toss some taboo sexcellence into the mix: interracial intercourse!

3. This movie has the potential to be one of the best crappy guilty pleasure films of this decade. Do you remember the first time you saw The Boondock Saints, and you thought to yourself, "Wow, that movie was fucking awful! No one with a brain stem could enjoy that pile of shit!" And then you found out that four of your friends ABSOLUTELY LOVE The Boondock Saints? That is about to happen to me with Obsessed.

In six months when I come skipping home from Best Buy with an enormous smile on my face and a small rectangle tucked lovingly under my arm, and someone asks me what I bought, and I reply that I bought Obsessed, they will punch me in the face, but I will still be happy, because I will know the truth.

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