Saturday, February 2, 2008

It's About Damn Time

Art Monk is in the Hall of Fame today after eight years of snubbery. Hooray for Art!

"I'm going to hire Bruce Smith to mow my lawn."

A New Contender? Perchance?

Could it be the Los Angeles Lakers? With a recent trade netting the LA Varsity team Pau Gasol, it's looking more likely.

The Lakers gave up uber-bust Kwame Brown, promising but unproven Javaris Crittenton, and two future first round picks to pick up the 7-foot Spaniard and probably the greatest player in Grizzlies history (which is not saying much, but still). Gasol gives the Lakers a proven low-post scoring presence, something they had been missing since Andrew Bynum, the team's rising-star center, went down with an injury. This should keep the Lakers in playoff contention and make them very imposing when Bynum returns, giving them a starting lineup of Jordan Farmar, Kobe Bryant, Lamar Odom, Gasol, and Bynum, with Luke Walton, Derek Fisher, Trevor Ariza, and Chris Mihm coming off the bench. That is a pretty talented and deep team, one that could certainly make a deep playoff run.

On the flip side, Memphis gives up their franchise's most visible and popular player for essentially an expiring contract (Kwame Brown), a backup point guard who now becomes a problem because they already have two point guards getting most of the minutes (Crittenton) and two first round picks that look to only go lower and lower in the first round. Basically this was a salary dump with the idea being having enough salary cap space to sign an impact free agent.

Daily SAll-Star: Norm MacDonald

Enough of these pseudo-all-stars and group all-stars. I'm going with the real deal!

Unless you're one of a select few in the history of this world, Norm MacDonald is funnier than you.

MacDonald is a Canadian comedian (though he has publicly stated that Canada sucks compared to America) who was a cast member of Saturday Night Live for a little over 4 years. His most famous role on that program was as host of Weekend Update, where his deadpan style fit perfectly. Often delivering controversial punchlines, MacDonald said after the acquittal of OJ Simpson, "It's official: murder is legal in the state of California". MacDonald was also known to openly insult fellow cast members whom he thought were not funny, such as Chris Kattan, who isn't funny. MacDonald was fired from his weekend update job in late 1997 by NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer, who claimed that Norm was "not funny." In actuality, MacDonald was likely fired because Ohlmeyer was good friends with OJ Simpson, whom MacDonald often lampooned. MacDonald has since appeared in numerous sitcoms and films that had been met with various levels of success though none have been widely accepted.

But MacDonald's finest work does not lie in his movies or television roles, but rather his appearances on various talk shows as guests. Check them out below and simply marvel at their excellence.

A scene from his film Dirty Work

Norm on the Adam Corolla Show. Two of the funniest men on the planet.

Norm with one of his better friends Dennis Miller

Norm on the Daily Show

Artie Lange and Jim Breuer talking with Howard Stern about Norm

Some of the best of Norm, including the best talk show appearance by anyone ever when Norm appears on Conan and destroys the career of Courtney Thorne Smith

Late-Nite Lovin'

Part II in the Don't Go to Bed Alone series.



Friday, February 1, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: The New Jersey Guido

These Daily SAll-Stars are starting to get bizarrely abstract, but I don't give a fuck. Today's entry is an entire army of worthy entrants whose soldiers are virtually indistinguishable from one another. This is the army of New Jersey's finest 16-to-32-year-old insecure orange men. This is the army of spray-tan and tweezed eyebrows. This is the army of white velvet tracksuits and Jägerbombs. This is the army of frost-tipped Guile hair and steroid abuse. This is the Army of Guido.

Now, Guidos hold an immensely poor reputation with the non-Guido community for their ant-like conformity and occasional bouts of blinding arrogance. But let's slow down on the antagonism. Why can't we suppress our anger and look into the soul of the Guido? For there we will discover that Guidos are truly the archangels of 21st century America. Watching over us, protecting us, guiding Passaic.

(In Great Britain there is an army of young ruffians known as "Chavs." Some have tried to make the claim that Chavs are to London as Guidos are to New York, but I must fuckin' protest, skank. Guidos are an essential ingredient to East Coast nightlife. Sure, they may be pushy and over-cologned, but their very existence is social in nature. Chavs are merely antisocial pricks swathed in Burberry.)

You might be wondering why I'm defending the Guidos. I'll tell you, but only as long as this information never leaves this website.

I am a closet Guido.

There. I said it. It's out in the open. And here's the proof.

I don't see most of you on a daily basis. Your mental image of me is pretty straightforward and in accordance with whatever etiquette was necessary for our last public gathering. But since you don't see me that often, you don't know that I do in fact Corleone my hair from time to time (Ben, Chris, and Greg have seen it in this mode), although I must admit I would never self-apply The Guile. Sometimes on Saturday nights I pretend I'm from New York and I get in fights with San Francisco kids. Then I bust out my spectacular Guido dance moves.

It all began when I was fourteen and my loving sister decided that my nickname should be "Guido." I was unsure of its impact beyond the obvious Italian gentleman connection and I decided to pursue the matter further. Much to poor Elizabeth's woe, I discovered that there were other Guidos just like me and they were AWESOME.

The only thing that disappoints me about the standard modern Guido is his dismissal of the Italian language. I feel like I am the only one carrying the torch of la lingua bella. Che cosa è accaduto alla gente italiana che parla la loro propria lingua?

However, this is a minor flaw in the otherwise impenetrable armor of Guidohood. Join me and the Guido Army and we can transform this world together. We can take this planet from its presently diseased, broken, depressed state and make it pure. Make it whole. Make it New Jersey.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Am Unchallenged in Hockey Analysis


Alexander Ovechkin, my pick for midseason and eventual league MVP, decided that I should be right about everything that happens in hockey and scored four goals all by himself, with a useless assist for good measure, in today's defeat of the Fruity Montreal Canadiens. Also, we needed a post that didn't block us from using its copyright imagery, EH, BENJAMIN? BURN.

Unlike the douchetwats at, Ovechkin knows how to take a fucking joke.

Daily SAll-Star(s): the fans of Liverpool

God bless the soccer hooligans of the world.

Liverpool F.C. is one of the most storied and successful futbol clubs in the world. The club has won a record 18 English League titles (though none since 1990), 5 European Cups, and 7 FA and League Cups. Some of the best players in the world have and continue to play for Liverpool, including the man-crush of one Stanford pitcher, Steven Gerrard.

Now normally all these factors would lead to a loyal and happy fan base. And that is the case for most of the fan-base, which includes various celebrities and noted persons such as Sporty Spice (if you're a soccer team, and you're going to have one of the Spice Girls be a fan, wouldn't you want the one who has "sport" right in her name?), Elvis Costello, Dr. Dre (who knew they watched soccer in Compton?), SAMUEL L. JACKSON (NO I CAN'T STOP YELLING, CUZ THAT'S HOW I TALK!!!), uber-cricketer Adam Gilchrist, the late John Lennon, Big Ron (oh dear...), and Pope John Paul II. But Liverpool fans have one big problem with the team: it's owned by Americans.

Now the fans of Liverpool are banding together to secure funds to buy out Tom Hicks (who owns the Texas Rangers) and George Gillet (who owns the Montreal Canadiens, so this isn't his first time owning the beloved team of another nation) and to build a new stadium for their favorite team. That, my friends and others who have drunkenly stumbled upon this site, is fan loyalty.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Tough Juice

Tough Juice is today's SAll-Star.

Tough Juice deserves to make the real, slightly more important All-Star team.

Tough Juice is Bill Coston's favorite NBA player not named Robert Traylor.

Tough Juice is a former felon. But he's turned his life around. Therefore,

Tough Juice is an inspiration to punk bitches who lack direction.

Tough Juice will chew through your spine like a flimsy beverage straw.

How can this be the best Tough Juice video available? Tough Juice is so underrated.

Tough Juice approved!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mind-Blowing Part II

This is David Lee Roth taking a poop.


It's been a while since this site has had a baseball post, the last being the epic All-90s Team. So since it has been a while I now must bring up one of the biggest stories of this off-season: the trade of Johan Santana.

It was announced earlier today that the Mets and the Twins have reached an agreement that would send Santana to New York in return for four prospects: Carlos Gomez, Phil Humber, Kevin Mulvey, and Deolis Guerra. Now this agreement hinges on two things. First, and more importantly, Santana and the Mets must come to an agreed contract extension (which will likely be upwards of 6 years and $150 million, a hefty sum no doubt). After that, Santana must pass a physical. Given the Mets' extremely deep pockets (only the Yankees and Red Sox have more money to spend) and the fact that Santana is in great shape, both these seem very likely. All that must be asked then is, "Seriously, Minnesota, what the hell?"

I should be very pleased as the Twins sent arguably the best pitcher in the league to a division other than the American League East (Lord knows the Orioles suck as it is...they don't need to go up against a pitcher of Santana's quality even more often). But the inner general manager in me is upset at the package the Twins took. This talent group, filled with two really good prospects (Gomez and Guerra) and two good prospects (Humber and Mulvey). While that's a pretty good haul, it was generally viewed to the the third or fourth best talent package out there (after the Yankees and Red Sox groups and similar to the Mariners package, which is now being offered for Erik Bedard, a great pitcher but no Santana). The Twins could have pulled the trigger on deals that would've netted them much more talent and potential (granted, potential is just that, ultimately it could amount to nothing; but a prospect with no potential is limited in how high they can get). Or, if they really wanted to be gutsy (or, in my opinion, smart) they could've held on to Santana until the trade deadline, when teams are much more likely to panic and overload a deal. The only logical reason for the Twins to take this deal would be if these players allow them longer contractual control (in the interest of full disclosure: I do not know if this is the case or not, if anyone does know please tell me, as I am curious, like a cat).

In summary, the Twins failed. Maybe next time fellas.


This is David Lee Roth singing Van Halen's classic Running With the Devil...

...except with no instruments.

Daily SAll-Star

The Burger King.

You all know him: the creepy masked man offering various Burger King treats to unsuspecting persons who may or may not be hungry. This is easily one of the most humorous ad campaigns ever and runs circles around various McDonald's commercials that make me want to punt a baby.

Anyway the point is that I think these commercials are hilarious and a certain friend of mine was dress as the Burger King for Halloween and Bambale "Boom" Osby, star UMD forward, said it was the best costume he'd seen all evening. If it's good enough for Boom, it's good enough for me.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Best news ever?

When the Spice Girls announced that they were making a comeback last year, I responded like many did. "Who cares?" Now I'll admit that I did at one point or another single along with these (at least back then) moderately attractive British women (it was 3rd grade). But ultimately, who cares? Not me.

But here is a comeback I do care about: The New Kids On The Block. The news that the These young fellows (including Donnie Wahlberg, the lesser Wahlberg) could be putting the band back together might be the greatest news ever.

Just watch this clip and tell me you're not excited.

Daily SAll-Star: Gerry Marsden

This is former British Invasion star Gerry Marsden of Gerry and the Pacemakers. It looks like his battery just died, nyuk nyuk! But enough heart failure jokes. Let's get to the facts.

Fact: Gerry Marsden is stupid. Only a true dumbass would be a young English rock musician in the early sixties. As we all know, that demographic was dominated by the Beatles.

Sidenote: These bands really enjoyed misspelling things, didn't they? First, our man here spells his own damn name wrong (is it Jerry or Gary? Pick one, asshole) and then the Beetles have the audacity to intentionally misidentify a common genus of the insect class.

Surprisingly, G and the P's had three consecutive number one singles on the UK Singles Chart, a feat that would not be accomplished again until Frankie Goes to Hollywood did it in 1984. This fact tells you that the English public has tremendously awesome taste in music. "Two Tribes" is one of my favorite 80's songs, by the way. Just throwing that out there in case you're stumped on upcoming birthday presents.

But Gerry's most lasting impact would come outside of his mainstream musical success. His single, "You'll Never Walk Alone," which was itself adapted from the musical production Carousel, quickly became the anthem for Liverpool F.C. The explanation: In the mid-60's, the deejay at Anfield would play the top ten commercial records, ending with number one. But once YNWA left the charts, the fans kept singing it.

The song has meant so much to Liverpool that the club had its gates adorned with the chorus. It is a testament to the continued and perpetual superiority of European football fans over American anything fans that 41,000 plastered off-key drunks can come together for about ninety seconds and deliver a stirring chorus that, I believe, truly inspires the team for which they are rooting. Every time I see a clip of YNWA in action I think of Michigan Stadium and how unreal it would be to hear it filled with voices in unison. But no...we shake our keys on third down. For his tremendous, albeit unintentional, contribution to the world of sports, Gerry Marsden and his poorly-spelled name are today's SAll-Star.

American sports fans.....take notes.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Daily SAll-Star

Carl Everett.

Everett was a major league outfielder for the Florida Marlins, New York Mets, Houston Astros, Boston Red Sox, Texas Rangers, Chicago White Sox, Montreal Expos, and Seattle Mariners from 1993-2006. He was a two-time All-Star (2000 and 2003) and amassed a solid career, one that many could envy.

But I am not here to espouse the slightly above average career of Carl Everett, nay. I am here to tell you that Carl Everett was/is certifiably insane.

Everett has questioned the authenticity of the moon landings (odd but not uncommon). Everett was once suspended for grabbing his crotch while circling the bases after hitting a homerun off Jamie Moyer. He was suspended numerous times for fighting with umpires and even his own teammates. He and his wife, Linda, were charged with excessive corporal punishment when it came to their children. But perhaps the most bizarre/best factoid about Carl is that he doesn't believe in the existence of the dinosaurs. When presented with the fairly overwhelming evidence that dinosaurs did in fact once roam the earth, Everett dismiss the fossils elaborate man-made pieces designed to perpetuate a conspiracy.

Carl is crazy.