Saturday, February 9, 2008

Oh Lordy...

It's finally official: The Orioles have traded Erik Bedard to the Mariners.

The current over-under for Orioles wins for the 2008 season is now being set at 65. I'm taking the under.

BUT! For the first time in 10 years, it seems as though the Orioles have a direction, and this trade couldn't have worked out better.

Bedard was the 3rd best player who was available at any point this off-season (behind only ARod and Johan Santana). So naturally you'd expect the Orioles to get quite a good haul in return for such a wonderful player. But then you remember that the Orioles can't do anything right. But wouldn't you know it, the Orioles actually did well here. It's like going to a Paul Walker film and actually being entertained.

The Orioles gave away Bedard to the Mariners for outfielder Adam Jones, right handers Chris Tillman and Kameron Mickolio, and lefties George Sherrill and Tony Butler. Now from the Mariners perspective this is a good, but not great trade. Obviously, acquiring a player of Bedard's caliber is positive. He combines with Felix Hernandez at the top of the Mariners' rotation to form one of the most formidable 1-2 punches in baseball. Perhaps even more importantly, it now allows the Mariners to slide Carlos Silva, Miguel Batista, and Jarrod Washburn (who they are all over-paying) back in the rotation. But they possibly overpaid (which is nothing new for the they are overpaying every member of their team save for Ichiro, Hernandez, JJ Putz, and the great Yuniesky Betancourt). This is especially true if Bedard leaves when his contract is up (a real possibility as any team would pay handsomely for his services).

On the Orioles side, this is a fantastic haul. The centerpiece of the deal is uber-prospect: centerfielder Adam Jones, who almost immediately becomes the Orioles' everyday centerfielder, and is the first long-term option the Birds have had at the 8 position since the wondrous Brady Anderson. Jones is a legitimate 5-tool prospect who combines with Nick Markakis and Luke Scott to give the Orioles a half-way acceptable outfield (though Scott is more of a 4th outfielder...but seeing as how the Orioles have been playing rotating 5th outfielders and quadruple-A players the last couple years, they could do worse). The other major prospect is Tillman, a 19-year old (turning 20 in April) pitcher with a plus fastball and a power curve that projects very well. At 6'5", he has a lot of frame to grow in to and therefore could develop more power. The other three pitchers all project as decent to great bullpen options and given the Orioles horrendous bullpen history, this can only be positive.

Daily SAll-Star: John Starks

High-top fade, motherfuckers!

Quick: Who is the greatest basketball player of all time? If you said Michael Jordan, I agree with you (although one could make an excellent case for Bill Russell or Wilt the Sex Machine).

Now, even quicker: Who was responsible for guarding the Greatest Basketball Player of All Time approximately 274 games per season during the 1990's?

That's right, it was John Starks of the New York Knicks! What a splendid guess!

John Starks had one of the most bizarre rises to fame in the NBA; his entire career was a backhanded compliment. As a young man, Starks bagged groceries whilst searching for playing opportunities at various Oklahoma community colleges. He eventually finished his career in Division I at Oklahoma State.

Upon graduating from OSU, Starks declared for the NBA Draft, but nobody cared.

He spent two years bouncing around the Canadian Basketball Association and World Basketball League before trying out with the Knicks and getting spinebustered by Patrick Ewing in practice, an event that would come to be known by one person as The Ultimate Backdoor Contract.

Starks had just joined the Knicks and was trying to get a contract when he decided that he should throw his bony 80-pound ass at the rim and attempt to dunk on The Big Jamaican himself, Patrick Ewing. Ewing took offense to this and proceeded to chokeslam Starks down to the cold, hard floor. The play injured Starks' knee, prohibiting the Knicks from releasing him unless it was healed by December. It didn't heal, and the Knicks had to keep him. Eventually, Starks recovered, found his way onto the court, replaced Gerald Wilkins at shooting guard, and the rest is history.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Barry White

Barry White is the largest, most soulful, love machine in the history of the universe.

Disagree? That's because you're a moron.

His band was called the Love Unlimited Orchestra for crying out loud!

"Funky-love-machine-#1" White is also an inspirational story in that he joined a gang at age 10, was in prison at age 17, heard Elvis steal black people's music, and turned his life around.

Unfortunately though, His Not-So-White-ness was severely obese and had very high blood pressure and he died on July 4, 2003. Everyone agreed that he would be missed. If you didn't agree with that I will hunt you down and fight you. And you'll be lucky if I beat Nick to you because he would murder you.

Barry's music inspired love for so many that zookeepers have been known to play Barry's music for gorillas who weren't mating. Needless to say, it worked and we now have more baby gorillas.

Also, look for the Definitive Biography on Barry coming out whenever Nick realizes that his true purpose in life is to exalt the virtues of Barry White as relentlessly as possible.

Yeah Whatever Needle Butt


Roger Clemens showed up in The District today with a leukemia haircut and an ass full of puncture wounds.

What's the news from Camp Rocket? Well...not much. Clemens used his Washington visit to lobby on his behalf during private meetings with various congressmen. Brian McNamee, Clemens' former trainer and current arch-nemesis, provided the real sexy stuff: an old beer can full of blood and used syringes. That means that this guy McNamee had an old beer can full of blood and used syringes just lying around the house for months. That's gross.

According to McNamee's attorneys, if Clemens submits a blood test to The Feds and it is cross-tested with the soon-to-be-infamous Milwaukee's Best Can of Doom, the Houston Fartmonger will find his ass in a prison cell. More is sure to come of this.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


This is my turtleneck. There are many like it, but this one is mine.


Lloyd Carr retired as Michigan football's head coach on November 19th, 2007, although he would continue to prowl the sidelines until the Wolverines' tremendous upset victory over defending national champion Florida in the Capital One Bowl on New Year's Day. Coach Carr was carried triumphantly off the field on his players' shoulders. A more heroic conclusion to a career could not be asked for, and unfortunately, even a ride into the sunset like Lloyd's is always, and I mean always, followed by turmoil in the recruiting world.

Replacing a head coach means replacing a school's sales pitch to each and every high school senior that considers playing football for that particular program. Ordinarily, turnover in the coaching staff yields an emaciated and threadbare signing class. Somehow, new Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez not only avoided such a catastrophe--he fashioned a top-10 recruiting class in under seven weeks. Drool.

February 6th was Signing Day, and what an unexpectedly glorious day it was for Michigan football. Among Rodriguez's more spectacular coups was the signing of former Purdue commit Roy Roundtree, former Penn State commit Michael Shaw, and former Florida commit Ricky Barnum. All told, Michigan walked away with 17 (!) four-star recruits out of 23 commitments, producing one of the finest Michigan recruiting class I can remember. And let's not forget, Terrelle Pryor still hasn't made up his mind. While Michigan is looking less likely as his destination, Pryor is slowly becoming attached to Penn State, where Joey Paps will undoubtedly turn him into a wide receiver and drive him to early alcoholism. Go Lions!

The thing that is most exciting about Michigan's recruits this year is not simply their position rankings (which are tantalizing enough), but the acute focus on neckbreaking speed. Almost every signee this year is among the fastest at his position, a skill that has led to three consecutive 11-win seasons for Rodriguez.

With a crop of gamebreakers like Sam McGuffie, Terrence Robinson, Darryl Stonum, and JT Floyd, Rich Rodriguez must be laughing maniacally at the feast of talent now at his disposal.

"But wait," you say, "Michigan still doesn't have the quarterback to operate this offense!" Falsehood, I say! Three-star Justin Feagin has the rocket arm, 4.3 speed, and charmingly quotable demeanor to take the reins at the sport's Most Important Position. "Three stars?" you might scoff. Yes, three stars. The same three stars that almost sent Pat White to LSU as a wide receiver. Now he's a Heisman candidate at quarterback and a three-time starter in BCS bowls.

So for your seemingly impossible wizardry and shredding prowess, Coach RichRod, I bestow upon you the title of Daily SAll-Star.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Bob Knight

On Feb. 5th, Coach Bob Knight of Texas Tech retired. Knight leaves as with the most wins of any Div. I coach, 29 20-win seasons, 4 30-win seasons, 3 National Championships, and an Olympic Gold Medal. He also leaves behind a legacy as an asshole. But there is no denying that Knight was quite a coach and he will be missed.

Steve Kerr Might Be Retarded


Yeah, I know Shawn Marion has been bitching about a trade for the better part of five months now, but...Shaq? Is this really the best offer that Phoenix can field for one of the best man defenders in the NBA? You really want to trade a 29-year-old who averages 18, 10, 2, 1.88 steals and 1.34 blocks per game for his career for a washed-up, bloated, injured ex-superstar? You really think Shaq can operate in Phoenix's offense? You really want to fuck up the twilight years of the most dominant post player since Kareem?

Seriously. Imagining Shaq on the Suns is painful--think of Michael Jordan's Wizard years, except he shot 28% from the field. Think of Cal Ripken's 2001 season, except he tore his hip flexor in his final All-Star at-bat. Think of Julio Franco actually playing professional baseball like a standard fifty-year-old man. It's not pretty to think about. When I think of Shaq, even now, I think of The Big Aristotle, I think of Steel. I think of two broken backboards as a rookie in Orlando, I think of the three-peat, I think of him humiliating the Kings, and yes, I can dig it.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Late Night Television has Reached its Apex

Earlier in this blog, I mentioned the feud between Conan O'Brien and Stephen Colbert. Well it reached its height last night. Take a look.

Daily SAll-Star: Danny Wuerffel


I didn't feel like starting today's SAll-Starticle (ooh!) with anything witty or even grammatically correct. So piss on those kumquats. Ha!

Anyway, Danny Wuerffel is a founding member of and first-ballot inductee into the College Busts Hall of Legends. After a spectacular career at the University of Florida, in which he broke (and still holds) every school passing record, won two Davey O'Brien awards for best quarterback in the nation, championed the SEC four (!) years in a row, and walked off into the Gainesville sunset with a consensus National Championship and the Heisman Trophy, Wuerffel promptly blew ass for the Saints, Packers, Bears, and finally, in his best Michael Jackson impersonation, the Deadskins. Fortunately, Wuerffel is a very nice guy and would probably donate all of his money to charity if he had any.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Perhaps one of the funniest things ever...EVER!!!

This is a clip from Loveline, a radioshow that used to be hosted by Dr. Drew Pinsky, who now hosts
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, one of VH1's many fantastic shows exploiting C-list celebrities, and the legendary Adam Carolla, former co-host of The Man Show and current host of Howard Stern's old radio spot with The Adam Carolla Show. Just listen.

Daily SAll-Star: Buckethead

Buckethead is one of the best and most creative guitarist on the face of the earth.

Unfortunately, Buckethead is widely unknown because of his reclusive nature. Known for wearing a white mask and KFC bucket on his head whilst performing, few have seen or talked to Buckethead (born Brian Carroll) without a guitar and a stage to perform on.

Many know of him as the composer of the extremely difficult Guitar Hero II song, Jordan, but Buckethead has in fact composed the music for almost 40 solo albums and has performed on at least 50 other artists' albums. In fact, Buckethead has performed with, either as a member or as a collaborator, acts such as Guns 'N Roses, Iggy Pop, Serj Tankian of System of a Down, Daft Punk, and Ozzy Osbourne. Unfortunately, Mr. Head's preference to shred on his own terms has often lead to the premature demise of his relationships with various acts. Nonetheless, he is an impressive and influential virtuoso.

Jordan being played on Expert

Performing Soothsayer

One of the coolest mashups ever, done by Buckethead, using ODB's I Like It Raw

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Absolutely Shocking

Great game, one of the most shocking upsets I have ever witnessed. Congratulations to the New York Giants. To everyone else: there's always next year.

It's now officially baseball season. Pitchers and catchers report on Feb. 14.

Daily SAll-Star: Vincent Cassel

Today's SAll-Star is French, but please don't hold it against him.

First arriving on the American film scene in Ocean's Twelve as an acrobatic and narcissistic jewel thief, Cassel scored an even bigger hit last September as a psychotic captain in the Russian mafia (or Вор в законе for you Ruskies) in David Cronenberg's excellent Eastern Promises.

Furthermore, Cassel was the lead ass-kicker in 2001's Le Pacte des Loups, easily, I mean absolutely uncontested, the most badass movie to ever come out of France.

After Le Pacte des Loups, Cassel made Irréversible, which was sort of like the French version of Memento with a lot more rape and cocaine.

Finally, Monsieur Cassel is married to the curvaceous Monica Belucci, who despite her unmistakably large breastises, is actual a very talented actress. So their daughter Deva should make a name for herself.

He is not related to Matt Cassel. Smart choice, Vincent.