Saturday, January 5, 2008

A Motherfucking Coup of Epic Proportions

The assistant coach maelstrom is finally beginning to settle in Ann Arbor: five members of Rich Rodriguez's staff at West Virginia will be joining him at the University of Michigan. The most important among the five is not offensive coordinator Calvin Magee or DB's coach Tony Gibson. It's this man:
Strength and conditioning coach Mike Barwis. Barwis is legendary for the physical punishment to which he subjects his players. He has been Rich Rodriguez's S & C man since day one at West Virginia (he actually precedes him, gaining the S & C job back in 2000) and can claim a lot of responsibility for the overachieving success of the Mountaineers program over the past six years. West Virginia has churned out absolute freaks since Barwis signed on at WVU despite a recruiting history that is somewhat less prestigious than other, bigger schools.

However you measure the value of a coach, Barwis is arguably the second-most valuable assistant in America and inarguably the best S & C coach in the nation.

Furthermore, not only do we get to acquire a coach with manic intensity and vicious authority like Barwis, we get to dump this guy:

Current Michigan S & C coach Mike Gittleson. I don't want to come down too hard on Gittleson, because he's been Michigan's S & C boss for thirty years, but he's been the S & C boss for thirty years. I'm pretty sure physical fitness has advanced a step or two since 1978. Even his profile on Michigan's athletic website admits his stale, antiquated status, calling him a "pioneer" in the field and describing his coaching methods as "preventative against injury." Barwis wants to hurt you. With Michigan's superior facilities (I've seen them--trust me, they're better), I anticipate a Michigan squad quick, strong, and fit enough to earn the Wolverines moniker. It's time for some youth, it's time for some aggression, and it's time for some not-a-pedophile.

Daily SAll-Star: Mark Mangino

Mark Mangino is fat.
Mark Mangino is gigantic.
Mark Mangino is the biggest fucking human on the face of the earth. I almost cannot comprehend his girth. I look at Mangino and I lose brain cells.

But who is the man behind the rippling ocean of flesh? Let's take a look.

Mark Mangino was born August 26, 1956 in the town of White Castle, Pennsylvania. Did I say White Castle? I meant New Castle. He graduated from prestigious Youngstown State University in 1987. Another way of saying that is that he didn't graduate from Youngstown State University until he was 31 years old. Hmm.

He served as head coach of Geneva College after graduation until 1991, when he became an assistant at Kansas State. In 1999, he moved to Norman to run the offense of the 2000 national championship Oklahoma Sooners squad. That year, he won the Frank Broyles Award for the nation's best assistant coach. The University of Kansas hired Mangino as head coach prior to the 2002 season. It is unknown at which stage of his career did he become an enormous asshole.

Yes, almost as legendary as his nigh-incomprehensible obesity is his short, fat, bald temper. One particularly salty outburst was caught on camera earlier this season, but Mangino has reportedly been a mean-spirited son of a bitch for years. One such example is his apeshit tantrum at his son's high school football game just before Kansas began the 2002 football season. I can only imagine the terror that spread throughout the bleachers as fans and family members watched a psychotic cave troll devour the poor linesmen while his son simply stood and watched in silent embarrassment.

Perhaps the most horrifying fact about Mark Mangino is that he has children. I will expand on the matter no further, as it would require us to acknowledge the idea of him being naked and sexually active. Oops. Shit.

Oh, and congratulations to Kansas for winning the Orange Bowl or whatever. The fatness of your coach is far more important than any on-field success.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Daily SAll-Star

Today's All-Star is a man we, your humble authors, can aspire to be like: sportswriter Jason Whitlock.

Whitlock, who played high school football with Jeff George and later played offensive line at the esteemed Ball State, is currently writing for the Kansas City Star and (making him one of the 3 or so writers I can stand at that site). He used to appear as a radio personality, hosting his own show in the Kansas City area, and write for AOL Sports as well as's Page 2, the section of my most-frequented website dedicated to featured columnists.

So why is Whitlock our All-Star? First of all, he's a very good, if not great, writer. He thoroughly explains his points and backs them with facts while writing in a welcoming, relaxed tone often incorporating humor. But perhaps even more importantly, Jason Whitlock dislikes Scoop Jackson. Scoop Jackson is a terrible writer who, despite claiming to aid the plight of African Americans in search of true equality, is obscenely stereotypical and only makes things worse. Whitlock, in addition to lambasting other terrible sports "journalists" such Mike Lupica, ripped Jackson a new one and was fired from for it. But never fear, Whitlock has continued to write and continued to produce excellent work.

If you, the internet reader, only have time to read one column (although that is obviously not the case if you're here...we're probably the 83rd site you've visited today)...check out any of Whitlock's past columns. archive

Kansas City Star archive



Thursday, January 3, 2008

And by B-12, I Totally Mean Steroids

Roger Clemens made another half-assed and unnecessary attempt to salvage his beloved reputation today, claiming that although former personal trainer Brian McNamee did indeed pump his buttocks full of briny liquid, his cocktail was made exclusively with Lidocaine and vitamin B-12.

The only problem with such a claim is that taking either of these supplements (Lidocaine is a mild anesthetic found in everyday items like aloe vera; Vitamin B-12 can be found in pretty much every natural food source you can eat) VIA YOUR ASS is extremely weird and uncommon.

More importantly, though, this defense by Clemens will inevitably lead to Clemens finally "admitting" under pressure that he didn't know what his trainer was putting in the syringes and that his injections were McNamee's responsibility.

"I trusted Brian with my body," Clemens will say. "I had no idea he would put steroids in my body. I never noticed that I was growing huge tits or my back looked like a pepperoni pizza. This isn't my fault."

Finally, what's up with that "Swear" business? Here's the quote:

Wallace asked Clemens if he swears he didn't use banned substances. "Swear," Clemens responds.

I don't think I'm reading too deeply into the situation to say that too much is on the line for Clemens to start suspiciously truncating his sentences. If you really mean it, just say, "I swear I didn't use banned substances," or "I swear," and we don't have to ponder your brevity. But instead you went weasel and eliminated the subject. Who swears, Roger? If you swear you are innocent, say so. Otherwise, accept your new, sad place in history and go away.

Daily SAll-Star: Noel Devine

Yo Baby Daddy filled in admirably for a gimpy Steve Slaton as the West Virginia Mountaineers overcame the turmoil of losing head coach Rich Rodriguez and dominated Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl earlier tonight, 48-28.

Devine replaced Slaton as the featured back of the night after the latter went down in the first quarter with a leg injury. In his stead, The PCP Smurf rushed for 105 yards and two TD's and fathered six children at halftime.

Devine's legacy as a Sal Fasano's All-Star began years before he committed to the University of Flaming Couches. His personal relationship with Neon Deion Sanders certainly did not hurt, but what truly catapulted him among legends like Shawn Kemp and Zubaz pants was the fact that he was a father of two before he even turned 17 years old. An impressive feat considering most sixteen-year-old girls do not find midgets attractive enough to sleep with them. Twice.

So here's to you, the Keebler Ghetto Elf. Stay in school and wear a condom and the world is yours.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Daily All-Star

This is actually a joint Daily All-Star, which is against the rules, I know, but it is worth it.

Today's All-Star(s) are Dan Stock and Bob Truax, the creators of the early-90's phenomenon known as Zubaz (though apparently they are still making Zubaz...which, quite frankly, in any setting other than 1986-1993 look absurd to the max).

Zubaz have been worn by both muscle-laden body builders, such as the WWF's Road Warriors (see side image), and formless slobs who enjoy football, beer, and arm-pit hair, such as Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Carl Brutananadilewski (see below).

So we salute you, Dan and Bob, for creating an absolutely hideous trend and selling an absurd amount of these terrible pants...because there is nothing more American than making people buy crap that nobody should want for outrageous prices.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Godspeed, You Crotchety Old Sailor

This one was for Lloyd.

Monday, December 31, 2007

I Never Liked You Anyway by Brian Billick

I'm way too smart for you. For all of you. The NFL can't handle my gigantic brain.
I love penis. Penis is the greatest. Shizzle McSnizzle! I'm so good at coaching football that my testicles explode. LA LA LA LA LA!
Hey, did you know that my teams have sucked since we won the Super Bowl? Did you know that Ray Lewis receives 75% of my annual salary just so he won't murder me? Did you know that I am Smug Asshole Number One in all of professional football, including "Mark Cuban?"

You know who should hire me? NOBODY. After all, I've never been a head coach before the Ravens hired me. Also, I'm old. And I went to Brigham Young.

Would you like to know something extremely fucked up about me, Brian Dick Cheese Billick? Before I entered coaching, I attempted to make a fucking career out of appearing on game shows in the late 1970's. That would be a funny joke if it weren't actual fucking history.

Here's another fact you probably could have guessed about me, since it's totally obvious: I bathe in my own semen. That is how much unwarranted admiration I have for myself.

In closing, I should rot in hell for all eternity.

Daily SAll-Star

Steve Bisciotti, owner of the Baltimore Ravens

Why? Because Bisciotti did what should have been done a couple seasons ago and fired Brian Billick, a severely overrated head coach whose entire Baltimore tenure has been marked by under-achieving offenses (his supposed area of expertise) and dominating defenses lead by coordinators such as Marvin Lewis and Rex Ryan. Billick acted very smugly throughout his time as head coach, but never more so than earlier this year when he stated with great certainty that he would return as coach next season. Guess not, Brian.

So thank you, Steve, for firing this flaming bag of poop. Stay classy with your greased back hair and fine suits. And try not to hire another terrible coach.

Benjo's NFL Playoff Spectacular!

Hail to the Redskins! Hail victory! Braves on the warpath! Fight for Old DC!

It's playoff time in the NFL and the Washington Redskins are back in contention after a severe dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys. And while I would certainly love to see them run the table and get to the Super Bowl (where they might lose by 84 points to the Patriots) I just don't see it happening.

Here are my picks for these NFL Playoffs:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over the New York Giants
Washington Redskins over the Seattle Seahawks
Jacksonville Jaguars over the Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers over the Tennessee Titans


Washington Redskins over the Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New England Patriots over the Jacksonville Jaguars
Indianapolis Colts over the San Diego Chargers (in the most lopsided victory of the playoffs)


Green Bay Packers over the Washington Redskins
New England Patriots over the Indianapolis Colts

and finally

New England Patriots over the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Daily (Nightly?) SAll-Star: "Carlos" Santana Moss

In honor of the Redskins' stomptacular 27-6 victory over the totally gay Dallas Cowboys, tonight's SAll-Star is Mr. Santana Moss, a man so fast that he had to change his last name from McLightningdick to something slower so he wouldn't give himself headaches.
I would like to give this award to the entire Redskins team, in particular Todd Collins and the entire defensive line. but as Toddzilla has already been named to the prestigious roster of this fine website and the defensive line is comprised of more than one man (INELIGIBLE!), I hereby bestow the SAll-Star tag upon the Santana Banana for his 115-yard receiving performance today.
It was raining, it was cold, and there was no guarantee that the Redskins would make the playoffs after 60 minutes had rolled off the clock. But Moss and the 'Skins played like they had a twelfth man with them in Landover tonight--and, if you're a man of faith like me, you believe they truly did. This team has rallied around Collins and pressed forward in honor of Sean Taylor, their fallen comrade. I'm not a Redskins fan, but I am as big a Tarantula fan as you are likely to find. His unnecessary death is still difficult to accept, but this magical run by his teammates has temporarily provided some relief from grief.
A 21-point victory over the #1 seed in the conference is impressive no matter who gets playing time. But even better is a five-game winning streak entering the playoffs and a career backup quarterback with a passer rating over 100 during that streak. When you examine the teams in the NFC playoffs--

1. Dallas (13-3)
2. Green Bay (13-3)
3. Tampa Bay (10-6)
4. Seattle (9-7)
5. New York (9-7)
6. Washington (9-7)
--you will realize that although there are favorites, there are no real juggernauts here. Washington is the hottest team entering the postseason and there is no evidence to suggest they can't meet New England in Pink Taco Stadium come February 3rd.
(My personal prediction for Super Bowl XLII is New England 45, Green Bay 24, but we'll cover that later.)
Finally, I'd like to tell our three loyal readers that the spastic posting schedule during Christmas will come to an end soon. By January 3rd, we will be daily again.

cal ripken jr: great man, greater friend

Especially for his endorsement of best friend, and my personal baseball icon, Brady "Sideburns" Anderson for the Hall of Fame.

While Brady almost certainly won't garner many Hall of Fame votes, it is nice to know that the two most iconic Orioles of the 90's (granted that is not saying much at all) are still bestest friends.

Their careers could make a great buddy-cop know...if they were cops instead of baseball players.

Wade Boggs' Chicken Emporium


The news came in yesterday: Rick Neuheisel is back coaching college football. Neuheisel, you may remember, was last seen in the college ranks in 2003 when he was being fired by Washington for betting in a NCAA Basketball Tourney Pool. He sued for wrongful contract termination and ended up settling for $4.5 million. Of course, Neuheisel was also responsible for a Colorado being placed on a 2 year probationary period regarding some improper conduct concerning recruits, so he has a bit of a shady past.

But so what? So the guy likes to gamble and have a good time and illegally recruit players? Who cares? I predict a National Championship (or 4) for UCLA in the next 5 years...Neuheisel is that damn good.

The only news more exciting than this would be the opening of Wade Boggs' Chicken Emporium.