Saturday, January 26, 2008

Hockey Stuff

We've reached the midpoint of the NHL season and ESPN's Scott Burnside has presented his first-half awards. Some are obvious, like Red Wings for Best Team and Martin Brodeur/Roberto Luongo for the Vezina.

But, being the biased turd that I am, I must take umbrage with some of Scott's other selections.

Hart Trophy (MVP)
Scott's Pick:
Ilya Kovalchuk, Atlanta
My Pick: Alexander Ovechkin, Washington

Homer Pick #1. I'd like to pick Nicklas Lidstrom, but since he's going to win the Norris anyway, I'm sure he won't mind sharing some of the hardware.

Scott's selection of Kovalchuk as first-half MVP puzzles me. Ilya has had a fine first half, no doubt--but Ovechkin has more goals, more points, a higher +/-, and more minutes on a better team in the same division. Kovalchuk wouldn't even win MVP of the Southeast in my opinion, so why should he get the Hart? Ovechkin has taken his Bad News Bears from a top-5 lotto team to playoff contenders. The nucleus of Ovechkin, Mike Green, Nicklas Backstrom, Tom Poti, and Chris Clark has been one of the most solid lines in the NHL and, quite frankly, you should never, ever, bet against a team with Donald Brashear on the roster. It won't end well for you or your pancreas.

So, despite my obvious ulterior motives, I don't think you can go wrong awarding Ovechkin the MVP.

Calder Trophy (ROY)

Scott's Pick: Patrick Kane, Chicago
My Pick: Nicklas Backstrom, Washington

This one might be a little more difficult for me to legitimize. At 19 and looking closer to 12, Kane leads the Blackhawks in points, assists, and shots on goal. Backstrom, however, is just four points behind him and has a considerably higher +/- and shot percentage. Let's not forget that the Blackhawks are .500 in a season where they were supposed to be okay and the Caps are one game over .500 in a season where they were supposed to be terrible. Kane might mean more individually to his team, but Backstrom is a better player on a better team.

Most Disappointing Team

Scott's Pick: The San Jose Sharks
My Pick: The Toronto Maple Leafs

I know the Leafs are getting old, but did anybody really think they would get this elderly this fast? Last year Toronto was nine games over .500 and missed the playoffs by one point. This year they just suck balls.

And as for San Jose, who the fuck continues to rate them so highly so that they can "let us down" when the season actually starts? For five straight seasons, the Sharks have been the "experts' pick" to win the Stanley Cup only to choke on a giant penis in the playoffs. When will the journalists learn their lesson and stop picking the Sharks? Nabokov and Thornton can't do everything, homeslice! Doesn't it bother you that Jonathan Cheechoo is still the "hot young commodity to watch" for the Sharks--and he was drafted ten years ago?

Jack Adams Award (Coach)

Scott's Pick:
Ted Nolan, Islanders
My Pick:
John Stevens, Flyers

It's true, Nolan has done some special things with his ragtag Islanders squad. But at least he has had studly netminder Rick DiPietro all season to keep things properly anchored. The Flyers, meanwhile, have put Simon Gagne on the ice for only 18 games this season, and unfortunately, everyone else on the team sucks. Martin Biron and Antero Niittymaki in goal don't exactly strike fear into opposing wingers, either. And yet the Flyers are tied for first in the Atlantic.

Finally, Scott wraps things up with a forlorn shake of his head at the pitiful attendance figures for the Nashville Predators and Florida Panthers. He attributes it to their mean-spirited owners and poor performance on the ice. I think it has a little something to do with the fact that these are professional ice hockey organizations located in the states of Tennessee and Florida. That plays an ever-so-small role, in my opinion.

In other shitty hockey news, the NHLPA contends that the league somehow forgot to tell them that the regular season would begin in Europe as it did this year. I swear you could replace Gary Bettman with a pile of dog shit and the NHL would run just as smoothly as it does now.

Daily SAll-Star! Kenny Blankenship!

I don't know what the present status of the super-awesome programme MXC is (no new episodes since February, but no official cancellation), but when you consider the fact that it is simply a redubbing of a Japanese game show that's already twenty years old, "new" episodes don't really mean that much.

The fun-loving half of MXC's hosting duo is Kenny Blankenship, who spends most of the show thinking about pizza, chicks, and beer. He has a job because his uncle owns the network.

We've all heard the saying "Truth is stranger than fiction." In Kenny's case, impossible as it seems, this rings especially true.

Kenny Blankenship is actually a man named Hideo Higashikokubaru, a mid-80's Japanese comedian who was elected governor of the Miyazaki Prefecture in January last year after his predecessor admitted to illegally supplying no-bid contracts to various laborers in his jurisdiction. Basically picture Gallagher winning a recall election for governor of Iowa.

Higashikokubaru/Blankenship appeared in three movies before calling it quits in comedy. Those films were Shôjo, Shishiohtachi no natsu, and of course, Getting Any?

Is there even a joke to make at this point? The only observation I can make is that this man is perfect for the career reincarnation he has received through MXC. I hope he gets some royalties.

And finally, Wikipedia felt it was important to let us know the vital statistics of this comedian/politician. Mr. H is a svelte 5-7 and 130 pounds, and he enjoys golf and marathon running. These are the things we need to know about our elected officials.

Friday, January 25, 2008

more making fun of Mapother IV FKA "Tom Cruise"

The always funny Stephen Colbert making fun of America's favorite crazy person.

Daily SAll-Star

Today's SAll-Star is a renaissance man of the narration and hosting world: Mike Rowe.

Rowe is probably best known as the host and participant of the hit Discovery Channel show Dirty Jobs (I'm a fan). But did you know that Rowe sang with the Baltimore Opera, has hosted numerous shows (especially on now defunct channels...WATCH OUT DISCOVERY!!!), and was a QVC salesman. In fact, some of his finest work was at said position with QVC, where he was incredibly sarcastic and very humorous and basically unlike every other QVC salesperson ever.

Apparently, Mike is also one of the nicest guys in the world (as reported by multiple higher ups in the Bowie Baysox orginization) and so we salute him as a Daily SAll-Star

Thursday, January 24, 2008

BOOM! Score one for Red Beard!

This could be a daily sall-star entry, but I couldn't wait until tomorrow to share this news: Ethan Albright is going to the Pro Bowl.

Albright is the Washington Redskins' long-snapper and arguably the best in the league at his job. Consistently unnoticed, Albright has been a consistent performer for the Skins when many others have not. To finally be rewarded for his hard work is not only a victory for Albright, but the proverbial "everyman" that Albright represents: the classy but not flashy person who simply does his job every single time to the best of his ability without asking for much in return.

Those of you who aren't hardcore Redskins' fans (like I am) may know Albright from one of two sources: the obscenely popular Madden videogame series and this article, one of the funniest pieces ever written by anyone ever.

Congratulations, Ethan Albright. You deserve your Pro Bowl berth as much as anyone.

Daily SAll-Star: Mapother IV

"I'm Gay."

Some of you may not know that Tom Cruise's real name is not actually Tom Cruise. Now, he didn't totally conjure up the "Cruise"--which would have been pretty douchey for a random name, like "Tom Steel" or "Thomas Thetankengine"--but it's not his last name. Tom Cruise was born Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, and apparently somebody traced the Mapother clan back to 12th century Wales. So that explains the teeth.

Now then, he's been using the "Cruise" handle for about 30 years, and it's worked quite well for his career. But at this point, after all the couch jumping, squirt whining, "half-acking," corpse saluting, bride kidnapping, interview molesting, cult spreading, nonsense spewing, psychiatry hating, and alien worshiping, has he not entered a world so dark and incomprehensible in its psychosis that "Tom Cruise" has effectively died?

Those videos make me love Jesus.

Keeping in tradition with Scientology's horseshit abbreviations and extraterrestrial origins, I suggest Tom make a modification to the name he was given at birth. No more will we see and hear TOM CRUISE, PROFESSIONAL ACTOR but

BADGE ID 24601


Onward! Onward I say!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


In an attempt to lighten up the mood from our last post:

Hulk Hogan in the absolutely stellar "No Holds Barred"

a Memorial Daily SAll-Star

I'm sure many of you have already heard, Heath Ledger passed away yesterday at the age of 28. As of this morning, autopsy results have been inconclusive and the alleged cause of death at this point is accidental overdose on prescription painkillers.

Ledger was both a box office draw and critically acclaimed as an actor. He appeared in such films as 10 Things I Hate About You, The Patriot, A Knight's Tale, Monster's Ball, and Brokeback Mountain (for which he received an Oscar Nomination for Best Actor). Ledger also was to star as the Joker in the upcoming Batman film The Dark Knight, opposite former Daily SAll-Star Christian Bale.

Heath was a fine actor in his prime who passed too early (very much like River Phoenix). He will certainly be missed amongst his many fans.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Daily SAll-Star By Request! Baron Davis and his Infathomably Majestic Beard

Baron Davis has the greatest beard in sports today. A bold statement, to be sure. But although there may have been a mustache or two that has superseded the majesty of Baron's facial hair, among today's athletes, I have no qualms whatsoever awarding Baron Walter Louis Davis the crown.

In fact, most modern sports beards are downright ugly. A lot of foreign ballers simply allow their neck-pants to grow like wild shrubberies across the vast deserts that are their faces. But not Baron.

The luxuriant quality of Baron's beard is paramount to his good mood. As a rookie, Glen Rice and Vlade Divac shaved some of Baron's beard during a nap as an initiation prank. Baron did not get the joke.

What makes Baron's beard so great is not its size or complexity but its simple boldness. It is a dark, thick, full-coverage beard. One cannot look upon The Beard without being reminded of Ancient Greece.

Finally, his beard undoubtedly fueled his spectacular playoff performance last spring. Poor Baron had been hurt and exhausted by the toils of the regular season and his Warriors had the unenviable task of trying to defeat the team with the best record in the NBA: The Dallas Mavericks. Luckily for the Bay Area, Baron's beard was enough to overpower anyone.

With all of that in mind, it is only fitting that Baron Davis be named today's SAll-Star. Congratulations, you Spartan hoplite you.

All-Terrible Indian Music

Well, Monday's posts were total disappointments--articulate, well-researched, and in-depth. This is simply intolerable. We at Sal Fasano's All-Stars strive to give you nothing but pure, unadulterated crap, from improper capitalization to run-on sentences. If you're like me, you're shaking your head in outrage at the sickening quality of yesterday's columns.

But fortunately, I've come to my senses and returned to the friendly confines of Pissville, Ohio. In dishonor of Ben's meticulous list of the greatest baseball players of the 1990's, I present to you: The Best Terrible Indian Pop Music of the Ever!

10. We start things off with Techno Indian Jews. Fitting.

9. "So Indian James Dean walks into a bar..."

8. I honestly think this is the only song ever released in India where the producers didn't artificially raise the female singer's voice by thirteen octaves. Don't these people ever dance indoors?

7. Excitement! Hayfields! Cheesy finger-snapping choreography! That mullet dude from Dil Se! This piece of shit has it all!

6. Indian Sonny Crockett wants you to keep your fucking hands inside the boat.

5. Blonde Indian outlaw is saved from hanging at the hands of terrible white actors by expert marksman girlfriend. Dancing ensues.

4. Apparently nipples are a delicacy in parts of India.

BRONZE: You simply can't listen to this song without dancing like a Punjabi marionette on crystal meth.

SILVER: Apparently multiple people died whilst filming this music video. But, oh, was it worth it. Shitty Indian pop music is worth a few human lives any day.

GOLD: Now poop on them Oliver!

Some of you may be wondering why I did not include Indian Thriller. The answer is simple: It is overqualified. Indian Thriller does not need a list to verify itself as the most abhorrent and Satanic work of art in human history. Therefore I will not show you Indian Thriller.

Okay fine.

Monday, January 21, 2008

All-90s Team

Because these are the kind of things I think about, here is a squad of the best baseball players during the 1990s:


Ivan Rodriguez, Texas Rangers- A difficult choice that basically boils down to do you value offense or defense more. In catchers, I prefer strong defense, though it is not like "Pudge" is some slouch with the stick. Rodriguez is a sure-fire Hall of Famer and one of the best all-around catchers to ever play the game

Runners up:

Mike Piazza, Los Angeles Dodgers/Florida Marlins/New York Mets- Better offensively than Rodriguez but merely average at best defensively. But still a Hall of Famer.

Chris Hoiles, Baltimore Orioles- Yes. That Chris Hoiles. Hoiles actually was a pretty solid player, hitting the second most HRs by a catcher that decade and being a good backstop for a few good Orioles teams.

Goofiest Player:

Darren Daulton
, Philadelphia Phillies/Florida Marlins- Nicknamed "Dutch," here is an excerpt from Daulton's Wikipedia entry: "Daulton holds a series of beliefs related to metaphysics, and numerology. He has authored a book titled "If They Only Knew," published in 2007. In the book he discusses numerous aspects of metaphysics, referencing experts in the field, and his personal experiences." Can't make that up.

1st Baseman-

Frank Thomas, Chicago White Sox- Don't let anybody tell you otherwise: Frank Thomas was an absolute freak. There aren't many guys out there who could claim a .332/.452/.609 BA/OBP/SLG line for an entire decade (that SLG is particularly absurd). All while being big enough to participate in cage fights versus grizzly bears.

Runners Up:

Jeff Bagwell, Houston Astros- With apologies to Craig Biggio, the squatsman is the best player in Astros history. He was one of the most prolific and consistent hitters of the decade in addition to sporting a good glove.

Mark McGwire, Oakland Athletics/St. Louis Cardinals- Say what you like about his steroid issues, Big Mac could mash. And let us not forget how we praised him as the savior of baseball back in '98.

Goofiest Player:

Mo Vaughn, Boston Red Sox/Anaheim Angels- Vaughn was actually a pretty good player for a while, but he is better known for being severely obese. Most people assume that the Milwaukee Brewers moved to the National League after the '97 season, but actually Big Mo simply ate them on a late season road trip.

2nd Baseman-

Craig Biggio, Houston Astros- Biggio combined with Bagwell to form one of the best 1-2 punches in baseball history during the 90s. Biggio was a prototypical leadoff man with good power and a good glove.

Runners Up:

Ryne Sandberg, Chicago Cubs- A Hall of Famer, Sandberg did everything for the Cubbies, who were often pretty terrible in the 90s. He actually was a very similar player to Biggio, but Biggio played his prime throughout the 90s whereas Sandberg was in the tail end of his career by the middle of the decade.

Roberto Alomar, San Diego Padres/Toronto Blue Jays/Baltimore Orioles/Cleveland Indians- Arguably the best fielding 2nd basemen ever, Alomar was an incredibly valuable player to his teams that provided a great glove and a bat that could fit almost anywhere in any lineup.

Goofiest Player:

Delino DeShields, Montreal Expos/Los Angeles Dodgers/St. Louis Cardinals/Baltimore Orioles- First off, his name is Delino DeShields. Secondly, he always looked like a crack addict. Third, his son (also Delino DeShields) is apparently so good at baseball he was being scouted as a 12 year old.

3rd Basemen-

Chipper Jones
, Atlanta Braves- A 5-tool player and the most important position player during the Braves incredible 14 consecutive division wins, Chipper must be considered one of the best 3rd basemen of all time.

Runners Up:

Vinny Castilla, Atlanta Braves/Colorado Rockies- Yes, he is almost entirely a product of Coors Field, but he still was productive while up there. In addition, he provided good defense and was often one of the most mullety players out there.

Matt Williams, San Francisco Giants/Cleveland Indians/Arizona Diamondbacks- The ultimate "what if" player, Williams had 43 HRs in just 112 games before the 1994 season was shortened because of a players' strike. While he didn't rewrite the record books, Williams did, however, put up solid numbers every season of the decade when healthy.

Goofiest Player:

Chris Sabo, Cincinnati Reds/Baltimore Orioles/Chicago White Sox/St. Louis Cardinals- Look at that picture and try not to laugh.


Cal Ripken Jr., Baltimore Orioles- Probably the toughest decision here between Cal and my first runner up, with Cal getting the edge because he logged more games during the decade and played for my team. But there is nothing more to be said about the man that hasn't already. He is simply one of the greatest of all-time at any position.

Runners Up:

Alex Rodriguez, Seattle Mariners- In 1997, ARod put up a line of .300/.350/.496 with 23 HRs, 29 SBs, and great defense. That was ARod's worst season. No doubt about it: Alex Rodriguez is better than you at baseball, no matter who you are.

Barry Larkin, Cincinnati Reds- Perennially underrated, Larkin was the finest offensive shortstop in the National League for 15 years. Always a good glove man, Larkin provided great offensive numbers at the top of the Reds order for years.

Goofiest Player:

Ozzie Guillen
, Chicago White Sox/Atlanta Braves/Baltimore Orioles- There were many to choose from (Gary DiSarcina, Shawon Dunston, Neifi Perez) but Guillen gets the award for goofiest because of his tirades as the White Sox current manager.


Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners- Until injuries killed his speed and playing time in later seasons, Junior was thought of as not only the best player of the 90s, but potentially all-time. Griffey was a superstar who could do it all. One of the finest defensive outfielders ever, Griffey routinely made spectacular plays (including one of the only two plays I've seen in person that left me speechless: the catch at 1:11, the other was a mammoth homerun by Aramis Ramirez that hit RFK Stadium's upper deck while still rising) and was an always stellar hitter. You are absolutely fooling yourself if you claim that anyone other than Junior was the best player in the 90s.

Barry Bonds, Pittsburgh Pirates/San Francisco Giants- Doesn't matter whether or not he took steroids (especially as he wasn't allegedly juicing during most of the 90s), Barry Bonds was a Hall of Famer even if you take away his post 2000 numbers. In addition, the man almost single handedly kept baseball in San Francisco (after the '92 season, the Giants were supposed to be moved to St. Petersburg, FL, the current home of the Tampa Bay Rays, the signing of Bonds to a record deal kept interest in the Giants high enough in SF that the move was blocked).

Albert Belle, Cleveland Indians/Chicago White Sox/Baltimore Orioles- Recently, many writers have attempted to justify electing Jim Rice into the Hall of Fame (thankfully it hasn't worked) by saying that he was the most feared hitter of his time. While this is a weak argument, mostly because feared doesn't equal production and Rice, quite frankly, wasn't even that "feared", there may not be a more feared man from the 90s than Belle. Belle was not only an incredibly dominant hitter (becoming only the 4th man with 8 consecutive 30 HR/100 RBI seasons, joining Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx, and Lou Gerhig, and is Belle is still the only man to hit 50HR and 50 doubles in the same season) but he was also a huge asshole (see the "Controversy" section of his Wikipedia bio). Still, Belle was one of the best players of the '90s and deserves to be in the Hall of Fame but isn't because of his surliness with the media despite having almost identical numbers to Hall of Famer Ralph Kiner, who also only played about 10 years due to injuries.

Runners Up:

Juan Gonzalez
, Texas Rangers- Gonzalez was a two time MVP during the 90s (perhaps undeservedly as the award probably should have gone to ARod in '96 and Belle in '98) and one of the finest hitters during the decade. He also turned down one of the largest contracts ever offered when the Detroit Tigers were to give him over $100 million guaranteed, but he didn't want to play for the horrendous Tigers.

Tony Gwynn, San Diego Padres- Gwynn was pretty good at that whole hitting the baseball thing. He won an NL record 8 batting titles and only once hit below .309 (his rookie season, where he hit an abysmal .289). In addition, he was surprisingly quick on the base paths, once even stealing 56 bases in a season (though obesity eventually set in and robbed him of his speed). Gwynn is also the only Padre in the Hall of Fame (although that will likely change whenever Trevor Hoffman is elected).

Sammy Sosa, Chicago White Sox/Chicago Cubs- Really his entry here is the same as McGwire's above. Sosa was always a good player who really exploded in '98. Sosa did end up with the 2nd most HRs of any OF of the 90s (after Junior) and threw in 172 SBs as well.

Goofiest Player:

Rickey Henderson, Oakland Athletics/Toronto Blue Jays/San Diego Padres/Anaheim Angels/New York Mets- Rickey could probably win this award for all-time. Obviously a great player, Rickey was an even greater personality who would often refer to himself in the third person in addition to other shenanigans.

And so that's it. I may do pitchers later or I may just list the 5 best starters below in no particular order without giving any explanation and let you figure that out.

Randy Johnson
Roger Clemens
Mike Mussina
Greg Maddux
Pedro Martinez

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention Edgar Martinez, the consummate DH as well as a consummate human being. But really if you only draw one thing out of this, it is that I clearly have no life.

You Probably Haven't Noticed...

...But the Washington Wizards are a damn fine basketball team.

The Wizards defeated the Dallas Mavericks this afternoon 102-84, sweeping the season series with Big D for the first time in ten years. But more importantly, the Wizards' victory over a Western Conference powerhouse is simply business as usual lately. The Wizards aren't just HOT HOT HOT, they're proving that they're actually good.

It's common to see five or six-game winning streaks in the NBA by teams that aren't particularly talented or cohesive or well-coached. (The opposite is also true--Boston is 3-3 in its last six games.) It's simply a sport that lends itself to the occasional hot hand and lucky bounce. And for the past five seasons or so, the Wizards have become familiar with such a pattern. Gilbert Arenas might explode for 60 one night in a game with 300 combined points but shoot 3-for-20 the next night as the Wizards give up 118 in an embarrassing home loss. As Wizards fans, we put up with the schizophrenia because to us, success in any duration was an improvement over the Rod Strickland beatdowns of our childhood.

The season began unlike any other during the Gilbert Era: terribly. The Wizards lurched out of the gate to an 0-5 start, unable to put points on the board. But they righted the ship and returned to the Wizards standard of respectability--.500--in the next five games. As they looked to capture a sixth straight victory, the Wizards got the catastrophic news that Gilbert, their star, their centerpiece, their engine, would miss the next three months of the season. All hope was lost. The Wizards had nothing to look forward to but the Mike Beasley Sweepstakes in April. And that night's game against Charlotte was sure to be the first step towards Armageddon.

Except for one thing: the Wizards won. And they kept winning. And they haven't looked back since. In the eight games that Agent Zero played this season, Washington was 3-5 and discombobulated. In his absence, the Wizards have gone 19-12 and put up some very un-Wizardlike numbers.

Sixth-best scoring defense in the conference. Fifth-best defensive field goal percentage. Fifth-best in rebounds. Only Toronto and Detroit turn the ball over fewer times per game than the Wizards. And lest you pine for the days of broken scoreboards, the Wizards are still third in the conference in scoring.

Those numbers are evidence of the kind of balance that is the calling card of playoff-caliber teams across the Association.

And don't forget, they're doing it all without their superstar. Guys like Nick Young and Andray Blatche have been called upon to pick up the slack during Gilbert's injury and they have answered the call of duty most admirably. Some Wizards fans have argued that the run upon which the Wizards have embarked is not in spite of Gilbert's absence but because of it. That discussion is hyper-sensitive: How much are you willing to bruise your admittedly melodramatic star's ego to gauge his trade value? It's like defusing a bomb. There are two arguments:
-Gilbert took the Wizards back to the playoffs after a decade of Clippers East jokes and total ridicule from the rest of league and no one that the Wizards could acquire for him would match his productivity. (He's also Washington's biggest sports celebrity since Michael Jordan got kicked out of town, and even that era was more like a museum visit than a live performance.)
-Gilbert's selfish, shoot-first, ballhogging offensive mentality and poor man-to-man and help defense have only hurt the Wizards' cause. Anyone can dominate when they play one-on-one, but his style, flashy and exciting though it may be, will never translate into postseason success.

I personally lie between the two opinions. The man's talent is undeniable, and if he could grasp the team concept better he would be otherworldly, but he is what he is. He is a 215-pound wrecking ball with a sweet stroke and a mind-boggling penchant for scoring. And most importantly, I desperately want to see him win. He possesses a candor not seen in Washington, or in any sports city for that matter, since John Riggins. Gilbert always speaks his mind and never settles for the bland and generic sound bite. I will always respect him for his personality.

Obviously, Boston and Detroit are the elite teams in the Eastern Conference, and deservedly so. But the Wizards have kicked the Celtics' ass on two occasions this year and stayed close with the Pistons three weeks ago. So which Wizards team is better? The Gilbertless or the Fully Gilberted? He's not getting traded anytime soon and he's begun practicing with the team again. So we'll soon find out for ourselves.

A Funktastic Daily SAll-Star

Cee-lo Green, soul machine.

Most of you probably know Cee-lo as one half Gnarls Barkley, along with DJ Dangermouse, who produced the mega-hit Crazy in the spring of 2006. St. Elsewhere, the first album of Gnarls Barkley, was an incredibly huge success both critically and commercially and rightly so, with multiple tracks that got the funk juices flowing.

But Cee-lo has also been successful outside of his Gnarls-related endeavors. His first project was as one fourth of the Atlanta-based Goodie Mob. He then pursued a solo career that wasn't particularly successful but did produce mild hits Closet Freak (see below) and I'll Be Around. Cee-lo has also appeared on many tracks as a featured artist in collaborations with artists such as Jazze Pha and OutKast.

So, Cee-lo, keep on bringing the funk...for the children.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The American Mustache Institute

This reader submission comes from one Nick Morison...I believe it greatly pertains to our little website.

The AMI lobbies on the behalf of mustachioed Americans throughout our great country, and there is no mustache finer than that of our patron saint, Sal (see side image).

God bless this fine organization.

American Mustache Institute

Daily SAll-Star: Spanish

Today's SAll-Star is The Totally Unremarkable Rick "Spanish" Gonzalez, who, sadly, is 30 years old. I hate to shatter the popular illusion that he "must be 18 years old and looking for his big break in show business." No. Rick has been chugging away as a stock Hispanic character for ten years on the big and small screen alike. He hit the scene back in 1998's TV movie Thicker Than Blood, in which he played the role of "Sanchez." In fact, let's pop over to IMDb to take a glance at the names of every character he's ever played.

Sanchez, Dexter, Ernesto, Eladio Casado, Gerardo, Ben, Phone Technician, Wilson DeLeon, Jr., Pat Smear, Hector Rivera, Chillaxin' Host, Stone, Andy Lopez, Marcus, Naps, Vincent, Timo Cruz, Vincent Young, Spanish, Primo, Tomas, Wyatt, Lucas, Rudy Bonilla, Jorge Escalona, Gang Banger, Juan Figgis, Hector, Gangbanger, Ricky, Ramone, Alfonso

I can't decide which one is my favorite: Gang Banger or Gangbanger. Two separate characters from completely unrelated films. "Chillaxin' Host" is a pretty bizarre way of being credited. And where the fuck did "Wyatt" come from? That is one of the five whitest names in circulation! (Madison, Heather, Casey, and Gavin are the other four.)

Enjoy these clips of Spanish Gonzalez at his finest moments of unimportance.