Saturday, March 29, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: The National League

So yeah...I completely failed on my gigantic NL Preview. I got all my AL teams done, but as you must understand, it is quite a time commitment to write that. My previews per team were longer than most websites' entire MLB preview. Alas, I came up short. I got bogged down in school work then was deathly sick over spring break. My bad.

Anyway, an abbreviated preview:

The NL is the much worse league. That being said, teams to watch include the Mets, Phillies, Cubs, Brewers, and pretty much the entire NL West other than the Giants. The Mets are a mix of young and old that if it can stay healthy (big if), the addition of Johan Santana makes them dangerous. The Phillies have a deep team that added a potential stud in Brad Lidge to the bullpen. The Cubs have outspent almost everyone, so they will definitely be in the mix especially with the acquisition of Kosuke Fukudome. The Brewers faded last year because they were young and streaky; they should be better with another year of experience. Almost the entire NL West got better (except the Giants), but the acquisition of Dan Haren should put the Diamondbacks over the top.

I may get back to the rest later. Or not.

Davidson: Fo Real Fo Real or Trick Hos?

Their best player is eight years old.

Their leading rebounder is a Frenchman who snags less than six boards per game.

Their heaviest player weighs about 160 pounds.

They are one game from the Final Four.

This year's Cinderella du jour, Davidson, is not nearly as miraculous or heart-warming as George Mason was two years ago. The Wildcats entered the tournament as undefeated champions of their conference and winners of twenty consecutive games. They were a popular upset pick in the first round. George Mason was a ragtag group that barely--some would have you believe undeservedly--got tossed into the tournament at the last minute as an afterthought. They then took down a returning Final Four team in the first round, the defending national champions in the second round, and a number one seed juggernaut in the Elite Eight to reach the Final Four as an eleven seed. Not one damn person except their coach saw it coming.

Davidson, a ten seed, has had a very nice upstart tournament run, including an unexpected victory over glass-jawed two seed Georgetown, a team in whom many people (including myself) put too much faith. But otherwise it's been a very vanilla set of juegos for them. The string of opponents for Davidson--Gonzaga, Georgetown, Wisconsin--ain't nearly as freakish as the giants of college basketball that the Fightin' Larranagas pulled off two years ago (Michigan State, North Carolina, *cough* Wichita State *cough*, and Connecticut before falling to eventual champion Florida).

If Davidson and its impressive band of shrimps can somehow defeat a bigger, stronger, and better Kansas team, I'll jump on board despite KU coach Bill Self's propensity for avoiding the Final Four. But unless they get to the championship game, they are not even close to the same story that George Mason was.

Friday, March 28, 2008


Ordinarily we provide some sort of backstory with our SAll-Stars. Where they were born, how they got their start, why they're (in)famous, etc. Basically we give you the reason for our selection and then we try to hide for our literary inadequacies with pretty pictures and video clips. But today's SAll-Star is just a scoche more enigmatic than most. Fortunately, this is not a problem, because it's obvious that he defines himself quite clearly. As TECHNO VIKING!

I can't say for sure where he's from, how old he is, what drugs he shoots in his ass, what he calls his dance moves, or anything about his past. But considering his extraordinary nature, I believe I have some reasonable assumptions:

TECHNO VIKING is from Iceland. 600,000 years ago.

TECHNO VIKING's drug cocktail of choice is Big Dick McGillicutty's scotch bonnet pepper taco sauce injected directly into his perineum.

TECHNO VIKING loves The Great Mouse Detective.

TECHNO VIKING defeated Erik the Red and Hrothgar with his dance moves by attaching enormous razor blades (severed wings of conquered dragons) to his wrists and flailing about viciously throughout the kingdoms of ancient Scandinavia.

TECHNO VIKING is not extraordinarily flamingly homosexual, nor is he a binge-raping steak addicted manbeast. He has no interest in human sexuality because he conquered it by impregnating the Earth with the Sky many moons ago.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey is hilarious. Many of you may have forgotten due to his performances in more serious roles; some good (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), some not (The Number 23). But you don't really need to go that far back to realize that the man with the rubber face is one of the finest and funniest comedic actors of all time.

Carrey's big breakthrough was on the fantastic sketch comedy show In Living Color, along side Keenan Ivory Wayans, Damon Wayans, pretty much every other Wayans, David Alan Grier, Jamie Foxx, and others. Since then he has had numerous films that have grossed him millions, such as Ace Ventura: Pet Detective; The Mask; Dumb and Dumber; Batman Forever (Val Kilmer!); Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; The Cable Guy (my personal favorite); Liar Liar; The Truman Show; Me, Myself, and Irene; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; Bruce Almighty; and the recent Horton Hears a Who. Needless to say the man has done well for himself.

In addition, Carrey is slated to play Ebenezer Scrooge and all three Christmas ghosts in the upcoming A Christmas Carol, which is being directed by Robert Zemeckis and has a juggernaut cast that includes Bob Hoskins, Cary Elwes, Colin Firth, and the great Gary Oldman.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Daily SAll-Star (But Not Really): Paul Potts

Hey, would you like to see someone who sucks?

There he is. Paul Potts. A 37-year-old broke ass Englishman with shitty teeth who performed in unpaid opera productions for four years until he and his mediocre voice won the hearts of Britons across the island and somebody gave him a million pesos or whatever they use as money over there. Here he is fucking around with the beautiful Nessun Dorma.

There is a difference between tossing out high notes whilst shaking your head and delivering operatic bliss that can impregnate women. Would you like an example? Gladly.

That's how the fuck you get it done. It boomed. Did you notice anything? Like how he enunciated perfectly and sang the whole thing like it was easier than eating a sandwich? And how he never so much as tilted his head until after the last note, which he only did because he knew he had just kicked its ass? Me too. In fact, I'm pretty sure Luciano wasn't even trying hard. Oh, wait. You're not supposed to strain when you sing. That's probably why his face was totally serene and the only thing on his body that moved was his mouth. He was in control, baby. Meanwhile, Paulie seems to think that good opera comes from a combination of correct notes and ASSLOADS OF VIBRATO. Falsehood, Paul.

What Paul did not and cannot hope to achieve is timbre. He hits the right notes, and his range is somewhat commendable, but it's all for shit if the resultant voice is thinner than a blade of grass. That's the key difference. When Pavarotti sings, it hits the back of the theater and bounces triumphantly throughout the audience. Potts' voice just sort of...reaches. If Luciano's voice is a meatball sub, Paul's is a perfectly edible BLT. Nothing wrong, necessarily; but not nearly as meaty.

The moral of the story is Don't Piss on Pavarotti for two reasons: one, you will lose, and two, I will beat you mercilessly.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Mediocrity in a Bag

In order to combat the greatness of last SAll-Star, I must choose a man of great mediocrity.

That man? John Emil Jaha.

Perhaps the greatest and only baseball player of Lebanese descent, John Jaha was a first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers and Oakland Athletics during the 90s. Never great, Jaha was named to one All-Star team and won absolutely no other awards. Still, Jaha was a consummate player that everyone loved. Plus he was chunky, so he's a personal favorite of mine.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: To Be Revealed

Today is my 20th birthday.

I would rather it not be. Or at least I'd rather be turning 18 or 19. 20 is halfway to 40. Gross.

But the one perk of this particular birthday is that I get to select today's SAll-Star. However, I want to make something very clear. The banner at the top of this page includes the word "mediocre." From time to time Ben and I have ventured into the world of successful and productive individuals instead of simply lauding the crap of society as, perhaps, we should.

But let there be no misunderstanding today: just because he carries the banner of Saint Fasano, today's selection is not only NOT mediocre, he might just be the greatest human being alive.

I'm talking, of course, about

Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman is...indescribably good at his job. Any and all superlatives you wish to bestow upon him, by all means, do so. But you won't appropriately compliment his talent. And nor can I appropriately tell you of it in words. So I shall let the man's roles speak for him.

Dracula: a classic villain. One of the oldest and most feared creations in the history of fiction. A role granted only to the most dedicated.

Drexl: a truly bizarre character.

Sid Vicious: an angry young man.

And just for reference, here is the real Sid Vicious. You will notice that Oldman plays him perfectly.

And finally, Norman Stansfield.

There are no words.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Jesus of Nazareth

I feel like there shouldn't be too much explaining as to why this selection was made.