Saturday, March 8, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Immortal Technique

Today's All-Star is Immortal Technique. He is an extremely emotionally charged rapper, probably more so than any other, with highly political lyrics. His talent as a lyricist is nigh-unmatched. His song "Dance with the Devil" is a legitimately disturbing tale of gang violence and rape that is so powerful that it's difficult to describe. Like many of his songs, the most viewed video for "Dance with the Devil" features a slideshow of George W. Bush's inadequacies as President. His collaboration with Mos Def, "Bin Laden," is actually about Bush's inadequacies as President. Whether you agree with Immortal's messages, his rhyming talent is objectively undeniable and his rage is almost frightening to behold.

SERIOUSLY: I'm warning you about this's not easy to listen to. The first time I heard I questioned not only the necessity, but the moral turpitude of the lyrics. I don't care how many "violent" rap songs you have heard; this is worse. Listen at your own risk.

Nick's MLB picks

Ben's got the in-depth division previews covered, but I figured it wouldn't hurt if I provided a little dissenting opinion. These are Ben's picks.

As for me:


1. Boston Red Sox (97-65)
2. New York Yankees (93-69)
3. Toronto Blue Jays (82-80)
4. Tampa Bay....*Jesus*.... RAYS (67-95)
5. Baltimore Orioles (59-103)


1. Detroit Tigers (101-61)
2. Cleveland Indians (93-69) *Wildcard*
3 . Minnesota Twins (87-75)
4. Chicago White Sox (80-82)
5. Kansas City Blowjobs (60-102)


1. Los Angeles Angels of Inglewood (95-67)
2. Oakland Athletics (90-72)
3. Seattle Mariners (83-79)
4. Texas Rangers (72-90)


1. New York Mets (96-66)
2. Philadelphia Hatreds (94-68) *Wildcard*
3. Atlanta Braves (82-80)
4. Washington Nationals (81-81)
5. Florida Marlins (73-89)


1. Milwaukee Brewers (95-67)
2. Chicago Cubs (89-73)
3. St. Louis Cardinals (80-82)
4. Cincinnati Reds (76-86)
5. Houston Astros (74-88)
6. Pittsburgh Failures (60-102)


1. Arizona Diamondbacks (94-68)
2. Colorado Rockies (90-72)
3. Los Angeles Dodgers (88-74)
4. San Diego Padres (82-80)
5. San Francisco LifeAlerts (65-97)

AL MVP: Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
AL Cy Young: Fausto Carmona, Indians
AL Manager: Jim Leyland, Tigers
AL Rookie: Jacoby Ellsbury, Red Sox

NL MVP: Aramis Ramirez, Cubs
NL Cy Young: Johan Santana, Mets
NL Manager: Manny Acta, Nationals
NL Rookie: Justin Upton, Diamondbacks


Red Sox over Angels
Tigers over Indians

Mets over Brewers
Phillies over Diamondbacks

Tigers over Red Sox

Mets over Phillies

World Series
Tigers over Mets

Soccer von Foosball

When you do an image search for Portsmouth this gigantic spinnaker thing is the only picture that shows up. Apparently there is literally nothing else of value in the entire city.

Many Americans know that English people play a lot of soccer, and that there is a club called Manchester United, blah blah blah.

Yesterday, mighty Man U was knocked out of the FA Cup by Portsmouth, which is (from what I can tell) the shittiest piece of shit in all of merry England. Portsmouth is on the south coast, which native Londoner Steve tells me is a "drunken pit of filth and crime. Everyone hates each other but they hate outsiders even more. And you can never understand their conversations because they sound like fookin' chainsaws when they talk. And it fookin' smells bad."

Portsmouth is the Baltimore of England.

(I went onto the Portsmouth network page on Facebook and the dominant conversation on its wall is two peeps trying to cheer up their friend who cannot get drunk this weekend because she is pregnant. Hmm...)

A Brief Intermission with Mark Twain and Satan

Hood Rich and MVP

"Home of the Whopper!"

The Suns now definitively suck in the post-Marion Shaq Era. They are 3-6 since the acquisition of the Big Rumpelstiltskin and are giving it up more often and more willingly than that Kardashian skank that got railed by Ray J. The Suns have given up at least 113 points in seven of Shaq's nine games, including 120 or more in four of the last five. Last night's 126-point turd to the Jazz is just another day in Shaq's Phoenix.

Fortunately for the Suns, they were winning at such an impressive clip before dealing Marion that it's nigh impossible for them to miss the playoffs unless they suffer a long-term injury to Nash or Stoudemire or simply lose 10 of their next 13; in either case, that Suns team wouldn't deserve to be in the postseason. They've never been able to play team defense during Nash's four-year tenure in the desert, but Marion always provided a tremendous one-on-one matchup and usually guarded the opponent's best offensive player, regardless of position. In the NBA, where individual performance is critical to team success, one good man defender can mean the difference between a title run and the lottery. Steve Kerr and the Suns seem to be learning that too late.

Meanwhile, the Golden State Warriors grow more hood rich every day, and last night they put up 134 points on the nuclear-shark-attack helpless Miami Warmth. As long as the Suns continue to flounder (and there is no evidence to suggest they won't), the Warriors look like a good fit at the six seed, where they will likely face Houston or Utah in the first round. I personally would prefer them to face the Rockets first, not only because I think Utah is a better team, but because a seven-game first round series between the Hood Rich and the Whiteys, with every single game scored 147-14, would simply be too awesome for the first round of the painfully long NBA playoffs. Utah-Golden State is more of a Western Conference Finals matchup. Unfortunately, one of those teams won't be there because the New Orleans Hornets are winning the NBA championship this year. Speaking of the Hornets....

CP3 Approved

....Let's talk about my NBA MVP Chris Paul and the unhealthy love I have for him.

When was the last time a six-foot shrimpy kid was unequivocally the best point guard in the league? Could it perhaps have been 12-time All-Star and Finals MVP Isiah Thomas? I think so too!

Even if you don't think this is CP3's year, and, I'll admit, it very well might not be, is his future even measurable in terms of Awesomeness To Come? Let's examine the Hornets' starting lineup in 2008:

PG- Chris Paul, 22 years old
SG- Morris Peterson, 30 years old
SF- Peja Stojakovic, 30 years old
PF- David West, 27 years old
C- Tyson Cleotis Chandler, 25 years old

"But Nick," you protest, "that's not very young, except at the all-important point guard and center positions." And correct you are. Let us examine the old farts' younger replacements:

PG- Chris Paul, 22
SG- Jannero Pargo, 27
SF- Julian Wright, 20
PF- Hilton Armstrong, 22
C- Cleotis, 25 has New Orleans selecting Ryan Anderson, a 6-10 forward from California, with the 26th pick of the first round and Anton Ponkrashov, a 6-7 combo guard from St. Petersburg in the second round. I usually agree wholeheartedly with's prognostications, but these picks are just straight up stupid. I have two ideas:

First Round: Robert Vaden, 6-6, 205 swingman from UAB (junior)
Second Round: Joey Dorsey, 6-9, 250 power forward from Memphis

But Dorsey is a well-documented asshole and Vaden might not even declare this year. Soooooo:

First Round: Jason Thompson, 6-10, 245 power forward from Rider
Second Round: Shan Foster, 6-6, 205 swingman from Vanderbilt

I like this scenario a lot better because you don't get a headcase in Dorsey and you get more value from your second-round pick. I think Foster has a bright NBA future because of the depth of his shot. He's averaged 21 points and 5 rebounds per game this year in the SEC and his 122 three-pointers are fifth in the nation--four spots behind Vaden's 135.

With that in mind, the eventual Hornets lineup could look like:

PG- Chris Paul
SG- Shan Foster
SF- Julian Wright
PF- Jason Thompson
C- Cleotis

Average age: 23


I wasn't sure if our little half-week break should end in a monstrous pile of text or an incomprehensibly huge string of video clips, so I've decided to touch on a few things from various North American and even European sports before sending it home with some standard internet shit.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


It's been a weird week for both Ben and myself and subsequently we have not been diligent with the posts. Give us a few days to get back on schedule and the flow of awesome shall resume. Gracias.