Saturday, January 19, 2008

Daily SAll-Star(s)

The University of Maryland Men's Basketball Team

Earlier today, my Terps upset the previously undefeated #1 team in the nation, the UNC Tarheels, 82-80 in Chapel Hill. With good efforts from many team members such as James Gist, Greivis Vasquez, Landon Milbourne, and, Bambale "Boom" Osby, the Terps were able to play their best game of the season and make me very happy.

And so it begins...

Yes this could very well be the start of the greatest and funniest feud in television history: Conan O'Brien vs. Stephen Colbert

Two of the funniest men on television, they have been struggling trying to go it alone without their star writing teams (notice how late-nite shows with bad writers really haven't seen a drop off because they were terrible to begin with). However, this could catapult them into the comedic stratosphere. I cannot emphasis enough how excited I am for this.

Friday, January 18, 2008

West Virginia Has Officially Taken It in the Ass

Ordinarily when I come across a column penned by Stewart "The Clock" Mandel, I simply say "whatever" and continue on my merry way. Nothing he writes has ever been particularly hard-lined or vicious, and his opinions are straight down the middle.

But OH HO HO, as Strong Bad would say, something lit a fire under Stewie's ass today; a burning couch perhaps? Finally, a professional sports journalist has put every Michigan fan's thoughts to paper and dissected the vitriolic filth that has been pouring out of West Virginia like a choking, polluted smokestack for well over a week. He also slammed the entire school's administration while he was at it, just because he can. Thanks, Stew.

Shred this, motherfuckers

Daily SAll-Star: Harry Turtledove

Alternate history author Harry Turtledove's real name is, in fact, Harry Norman Turtledove. He has used a number of pseudonyms over the years due to his fear that readers would not believe that a man's real name could possibly be "Harry Turtledove."

What does Mr. Turtledove do for a living? He writes off-the-wall, fucked-up, what-if, Crazy Pants Magoo novels. Most of his works belong to one of several universes that he has created; Videssos, for example, is Turtledove's re-imagining of the Byzantine Empire. The Worldwar tetralogy and Colonization trilogy both take place in an alternate universe in which aliens invade Earth during the events of World War II. His most famous universe is Timeline-191, where Jefferson Davis and his Confederate States of America defeat the heavily favored United States of America in the American Civil War. However, the legacy of this universe is not simply in its rather audacious premise but in the lifespan of the universe in which such victory exists. Turtledove has written the complete history of this alternate timeline all the way through 1945 and concludes it with the public beheading of the United States Attorney General, after which, I guess, everything goes back to normal...? Wow.

Now, while Timeline-191 is Turtledove's boldest series of books, he has written, as a stand-alone novel, without any ties to any alternate universe, the single most ludicrous book ever printed in the history of mankind. Shall I tell you about it? Very well.

The premise of this circus freak of a book, entitled The Guns of the South, is that members of South Africa's Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging (a real paramilitary organization) from the year 2014 travel back in time to the winter of 1863 and provide the Confederate Army with a cache of AK-47's so the South can defeat the Union and therefore advance the cause of the white supremacist doctrine of the AWB over a century later. The South wins the war convincingly, establishing a new border between itself and the Union, but the AWB isn't finished. They oust Jefferson Davis from his presidential office and appoint Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, the founder of the Ku Klux Klan, in his place. So General Robert E. Lee becomes the "good guy" of the story and creates his own political party to combat the AWB.

Blah blah blah, stuff happens, and Lee finds a computer that the AWB had brought back with them. On this computer he reads about the overwhelming support for the Union's cause in the future and the abhorrence of slavery. He sees the err of the South's ways and calls for an immediate end to to slavery.

The AWB tries to defend themselves with their machine guns, but old-fashioned wit wins out in the end. Jesus what a weird story.

The funny thing about this story is that apparently, if such technology existed, the AWB would be just crazy enough to try it. All you need to know about the AWB's belief system is that their leader and founder, Eugene Terre'Blanche, once called the apartheid system in South Africa "too liberal."

Thursday, January 17, 2008


This won't be too long or insightful since

1) Dozens of other sites have done a great job explaining the situation and
2) The six people that read this probably don't give a shit.

Anyway: It seems overwhelmingly clear today that Rich Rodriguez will soon be exonerated (finally) for the absurd and truly shitheaded charges brought against him. If you hadn't heard, West Virginia University leaked an anonymous source to the Charleston Gazette, saying that Rodriguez (who left WVU's football program to lead Michigan's) had shredded every piece of vital information that the university possessed. Stupid, right? But it had legs...for about 12 hours.

WVU has since admitted that they've "begun to locate" the missing files--oops! They weren't really in his office after all!

The only remaining accusation that could not be immediately dismissed with a hearty scoff was that West Virginia charged that Rodriguez had contacted Michigan recruits to let them know that he was accepting the job in Ann Arbor. West Virginia claimed that this was a recruiting violation because it took place during what is known as a "dead period." Fortunately, they were stupid enough to provide dates and receiving phone numbers of these calls, and as it turns out, it wasn't a dead period after all. So, in effect, what happened was Rich Rodriguez, the new head coach of Michigan, called three young men who were being actively recruited by the University of Michigan, where HE NOW WORKS, under the rules and regulations explicitly set down by the NCAA, and told them he was coming to Ann Arbor, and West Virginia didn't like that, so they made some shit up. That's the story in a nutshell.

daily sall-star

Corey Worthington.

Now if you're like me and enjoy keeping up on goofy pop-culture probably already know about Corey. But if you actually aren't a huge loser and therefore aren't like me, Corey Worthington is a 16 year old kid from Melbourne, Australia (land of sunshine, sharks and a koala named Bruce, left). Corey decided to have a party while his parents were out of town that ended up being a 500+ person event with over $20,000 worth of damage. Now this is quite something (impressive?) unto itself...but what really distinguishes Corey as an All-Star, nay, a superstar, is his interview with an Australia television journalist. My words cannot do it justice. Simply watch the video below.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Rick Deckard is NOT a Replicant

Just had to throw it out there.

Kudos are in order...

...for Tim Keown, who wrote probably the best steroid-related article I have ever read. There are times he is a little nit-picky (if that is a word) concerning the pronunciations of different things, but his points are solid and he deserves praise for writing a good piece.

Who's having the worst week ever?

Miguel Tejada.

Tejada was having a mixed offseason; some good (traded out of Baltimore to the worst division in baseball, where he should do well), some bad (mentioned in Mitchell Report), some ugly (has to play for the Houston Astros). But everything took a decided turn for the worse this week.

First off, Tejada is now up for investigation by ye olde Justice Department because he may have lied to a federal agent. Needless to say, very little good can come from this for Miguel. Being hunted down by the Waxman is no picnic. And lying about ever even hearing about steroids? Well Miggy, that's just retarded. The Orioles, somehow, are looking better for trading him.

To make matters worse for Miggy though, his brother, Freddy, died in a car accident. This is truly sad news and we here at Sal's send our best to the Tejada family.

I'm Pissed Like Lex Luger

This is not going to be very well-articulated at the moment because of the late hour and the fury with which it fills me.

As you may or may not care, West Virginia University and its psychopathic fanbase have been running a Rich Rodriguez smear campaign since he left the program in late December. The program that he brought to national prominence in under three seasons. That West Virginia. The same West Virginia that he put on the map.

Today we read that hundreds of precious files and documents are missing from the office that was once occupied by Satan himself, Rich Rodriguez.

Paperwork detailing every player on West Virginia's roster, as well as the program's activities over the past seven years, went missing between Rodriguez's resignation as coach to take over at Michigan and the team's return from the Fiesta Bowl, the Charleston (W.Va.) Gazette reported.

Uh...what? Thank God for computers, right, Morgantown?

"It's unbelievable. Everything is gone, like it never existed,'' a source within the athletic department, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told the Gazette. "Good, bad or indifferent, we don't have a record of anything that has happened.''

Really? You don't have a record of anything that has happened? When was the last time you updated your filing system, 1975?

There is so much unforgivable bullshit with this story that I am about to shit a live goat. Let's review:

1. No state university, high school , elementary school, preschool, or daycare center would keep records on a single sheet of paper like it was typed on a motherfucking typewriter without a backup copy. I refuse, fucking refuse to believe that a STATE OPERATED AND FUNDED UNIVERSITY does not keep personnel information on a computer. This anonymous source either realizes that he is very stupid for not checking the C: drive or consciously realizes that his interview serves only as an attack upon WVU's departing coach.

2. The following men are employed by West Virginia:

Associate AD/Finance and Administration: Russ Sharp
Associate AD/Student Services: Garrett Ford
Assistant AD/Executive Director MAC: Larry Aschebrooke

Assistant AD/Compliance: Brad Cox
Assistant AD/Marketing and Sales: Brad Howe

So...let me see if I understand this correctly. West Virginia employs a man for each specific area of activity in which paperwork has mysteriously disappeared, and yet we are to believe that such documentation was kept, in one copy only, in one fucking drawer in the head coach's office? Why do these men get paid? Who was the retard who set the documentation system up? How does Brad Cox not have every document relating to player attendance and grades in his files? How does Russ Sharp not have all the scholarship info? How does Garret Ford not have all the class schedules and contact info? How does Brad Howe not have info on community service? What, exactly, do they do at West Virginia?

They have people skills! What the hell is wrong with you people?!

3. Finally, doesn't anybody realize that people shred things when they change jobs? What did you expect him to do? "Ooh, a West Virginia income tax form. How I cherish you! I'll never part with you, my darling."

It's not the ignorance that pisses me off as much as the hatred. It's not hard to see that somebody at West Virginia is tremendously stupid or purposefully trying to run a smear campaign against Michigan's new coach. I'm done.

Daily SAll-Star: Bill Withers

Bill Withers did not have a resoundingly unique rise to fame. His father died when he was 13, which sucks, but he died because he was really old. No Marvin Gaye-type bad father relationships. At age 17, Withers joined the United States Navy, for whom he assembled aircraft toilets. After nine years, Withers decided that assembling toilets was not the most adventurous lifelong endeavor, so he recorded "Ain't No Sunshine," gave it to some dude in a nightclub, and got signed to Sussex Records within days. Making it in the music business is easy.

Anyway, Withers became popular for seamlessly transitioning between thoughtful ballads ("Lean on Me") and ass-popping funkery ("Use Me"). Huzzah for you, Bill.

You know, Bill, you wouldn't sweat so damn much if you didn't wear gigantic sweaters under the studio lights.


You couldn't make this stuff up.

Pro football player/part-time wrestler Adam "Pacman" Jones is now being accused of punching a woman at a strip club. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all- Adam, as a man, you don't punch women, especially if you're a professional athlete. Secondly- Adam, weren't you just suspended by the NFL for an entire year because of an issue at a strip club? Obviously Pacmen and strip clubs don't mix, so why don't you try something else; like going to a movie, or hanging out with some friends in your mansion. Hell, if you really want to see a girl strip for you, they do have women you can hire to do that who will come to you so you can avoid all the punchable people out there. Pacman, you are a bona fide idiot and you should not be allowed to reproduce.

It's times like these we need Wyclef to show us the way to true stripper etiquette all whilst giving us some funky jams.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Wayne Cochran

Now that is a head of hair. A pompadour like that can only belong to a funktacular groove machine like Wayne "Magneto" Cochran whose album titles include "Get Down With It!," "Cochran," and "Wayne Cochran!" (Don't forget! To put! Some exclamation points! Baby!) Yet our good buddy Suitcase Head made his biggest mark on the music scene in 1962 when he wrote the music and lyrics to the freakishly moribund pop song, "Last Kiss."

Remember "Last Kiss?" It's about two teenagers deeply in love who get into a huge bloody car accident because some douchebag in oncoming traffic (who is obviously not in love) decided to let his engine stall in the middle of the road. The gravely injured boyfriend (whose fucking eyes are bleeding) crawls desperately towards his shattered lover's body, which is bleeding uncontrollably. She smiles, kisses him, and dies in his arms from her injuries. Woo! Top of the charts! Somebody get Wayne some pomade, because that shit is about to levitate off his head and devour a small dog.

Anyway, Wayne is still alive somewhere, being the funkiest white pompadour bandit on the face of this earth. I'd like to think that Wayne is (for whatever reason) incapable of conversation, and is forced to answer people's questions in song.

"That'll be $27.50, Mr. Cochran. Cash or credit?"

"Oh, where, oh, where, can my Visa be?
Alzheimer's took it away from me.
It's in my dresser, so I've got to pay cash;
Now I cannot afford to cure my scrotum's...rash."

Monday, January 14, 2008

The Most Awesome Man Alive

Daily SAll-Star

Norval Eugene Turner.

Affectionately known as Norv, Turner is currently the coach of the San Diego Chargers, a team that hugely upset the Indianapolis Colts without starting QB Phillip Rivers for much of the game and All-Universe RB LaDainian Tomlinson for almost the entire game.

Redskin and Raider fans will remember Norv from his unspectacular head coaching jobs with those teams (although to be fair, those Raider teams wouldn't have been good with Vince Lombardi coaching excuse with the Skins though). Norv is perhaps better known for his various stints as an offensive coach and coordinator, including jobs at USC, Cal, the Dallas Cowboys and LA/StL Majestic Bighorns.

When one sees Norv on the sidelines, one cannot get past the fact that he looks completely over-matched and lost. He looks like he has no business being an NFL head coach. Yet he keeps winning. How? My vote is for magic.

The only subject Andy Rooney should be allowed to talk about

Andy Rooney is an idiot. Besides being a racist on more than one occasion, his writings and little segments at the end of 60 minutes (an otherwise legitimate and informative news program) are most often just plain's like he got a free pass to say whatever he wants because he's older than dirt. Rooney is the single greatest argument for the restriction of free speech in America. All that being said, this subject is something I don't mind him speaking on because he has some good points.

Baby Baby Please

If you're still awake right now, this is perfect for you. Unless, of course, you want to sleep. But that's not happening on George's watch, baby.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Judge Reinhold

I guarantee you've seen a Judge Reinhold movie.

Well, maybe there's no such thing as a Judge Reinhold movie, but I guarantee you've seen a movie in which Edward Ernest "Judge" Reinhold, Jr. has a role. Because, truthfully, it's impossible for a movie to star Judge Reinhold. If you ever see him in a movie, it's because he just showed up on set one day and the director said, "Oh, fuck it, Judge, you'll just play the neighborhood doctor. Here's $50." And Judge will be most pleased.
See? Most pleased.

Judge Reinhold has been loitering in Hollywood for 27 years and has appeared in more sequels than Arnold Schwarzenpecker. His career started with a Reinhold-quality bang when he landed the role of Elmo, the least important character in the wildly successful Stripes, starring Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, John Larroquette, Sean Young, John Candy, and other people infinitely more famous and talented than our beloved Judge.

Judge's already miniscule ego took another hit the next year when he masturbated onscreen during Fast Times at Ridgemont High, another awesome-but-not-because-of-you film that starred not one, not two, but eight actors more famous than he.

Judge's "breakout" role came in 1984's Beverly Hills Cop, starring Eddie Murphy and, perhaps most importantly, Bronson Pinchot. It was truly a groundbreaking performance by Judge, who played a painfully nice virgin who sucks at life. Judge, a dedicated method actor, was up to the challenge and has lived vicariously through Detective Billy Rosewood ever since.

All told, Judge has appeared in 75 films, including Rosalie Goes Shopping, My Brother the Pig, Beethoven's 3rd, Beethoven's 4th, and, of course, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.