Saturday, April 5, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Keanu "Thespian Pants" Reeves

Apparently his next role is Alec Baldwin

Keanu Reeves is kind of a poop. He's an undeniably terrible actor and some of his movies are unspeakably bad. But every once in a while one of his movies somehow manages to kick ass despite his presence in it.

Speed was pretty good, but mostly because of Dennis Hopper and explosions, and zero-ly because of Keanu and Sandra Bullock. When those two made another movie together a few years later, The Boat House or The Lake House or The Shit House or Not Road House or whatever it was called, the distinct lack of Dennis Hopper and explosions resulted in a terrible movie.

Later on he made The Matrix, which starred Lawrence Fishburne, Lawrence Fishburne's sunglasses, and leather pants. It was pretty cool until the Wachcchchcchchchowwski Brothers turned the series into Star Wars for sexual fetishists and we found out that one of them is an S & M transsexual-in-progress. That kind of killed it for me.

I personally like The Devil's Advocate, because it pits Keanu (terrible actor) against Al Pacino (perhaps best actor ever), and tries to carry that battle for two hours as if it weren't decided at the opening credits. Would you put money on Keanu in that fight? The studio did. Ouch.

But I would be remiss if I neglected to mention Keanu's opus, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. This groundbreaking film gave us perhaps the first look into Genghis Khan's private life and why Napoleon was, in Ted's own words, such "a dick." Bravo.

Cool little montage

Some of you may already seen this, but I'll post it anyway.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Road House

There are good films. There are great films. There is Road House.

Everything about this movie is great.

The cast includes such luminaries as Kelly Lynch, Ben Gazzara, Terry Funk, and the great Sam Elliot. In addition, it stars the greatest B-Movie actor ever (with apologies to Bruce Campbell, a stellar number 2), Patrick Swayze. (Mr. Swayze, everyone here at Sal's All-Stars wishes you as speedy a recovery as possible)

If you haven't seen Road House, you must as soon as possible.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Pants = Pooped

Better Than You

So this Alexander Ovechkin fellow is pretty good. He's no Mike Modano or anything, but I think he'll have a solid career, maybe get to thirty goals once or twice.

Oh, excuse me, I mean HE'S FUCKING UNSTOPPABLE.

I've been trying to think of quality prose for an article about Ovechkin and the Capitals but I couldn't come up with anything except:

-The Capitals' uniforms are sweet.

-Alexander Semin. Hee hee.

-The Capitals are one of the youngest teams in the NHL. And awesomest.

-Alexander Ovechkin is made of steel, hickory chips, gunpowder, and quadriceps.

-He's TWENTY-TWO years old and he's already in the conversation for best left wing ever.

I can't do any better. The awesomeness of the Capitals is excruciatingly difficult to adequately put into words.

Nope, still can't do it.

Daily SAll-Star: Chris Henry

That curious-looking bearded young woman is actually Bengals wide receiver (excuse me, former Bengals wide receiver) Chris Henry, who has proven over the past two-plus years that his talent at the sport of Getting Arrested far exceeds his football skills. Today's transgression was Henry's eleventh since joining the NFL, which he only did after he got the boot from West Virginia's football program.

Not only was today's assault charge Henry's eleventh since December of 2005, it was his third consecutive assault charge. His victims have been an 18-year-old, a 16-year-old, and a valet. That ties Mike Tyson's record for most consecutive assault charges on an unwitting opponent. Vegas has set the odds at 4-1 that Henry gets another assault charge before Tyson.

Other harrowing tales from Chris Henry's Arrestapalooza have included a DUI brought on by his uncontrollable vomiting after being pulled over in September 2006, distributing alcohol to minors despite being a multimillionaire professional athlete when he could have simply paid the teenagers for sex, and my personal favorite, assault with a firearm whilst wearing his #15 jersey.

Considering Herr Goodell's newfound penchant for violent punishment, especially for repeat offenders, it's not a stretch to imagine that Henry's penance will somehow involve sodomy and pigeons.

Right, just to be clear, today's arrest was Henry's third since receiving a new asshole at the hands of this judge. I find it kind of funny that he starts berating Henry by implicating him in the death of an innocent woman but concludes with the far more serious crime of "locker room cancer." That's Cincinnati priorities for you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Most bizarre and unsettling line of the week

When the Royals and Tigers play each other, it's like a T-Ball team trying to play in machine pitch...the results are usually pretty ugly. And with the Tigers heavily vaunted offense (and deservedly so), you'd never think they could be shut out by anything less than the very best of pitchers...but not so!

Royals defeat Tigers 4-0, give up only three hits

(all by Edgar Renteria,, one should keep an eye on Brian Bannister, he's much like a young Jamie Moyer, only more successful)

Our 100th Daily SAll-Star

And a great one at that.

When you think of rock hard abs, an easy smile, and the greatest celebrity rumor of all time; there is only one man to think of: John Basedow.
Basedow is the inventor of the Fitness Made Simple system that has sold millions. Not many can claim to be a true fitness celebrity, but "The Father of the Modern Infomercial" John Basedow can. But perhaps the best part about John Basedow is the rumors of his death after the terrible tsunami that demolished much of southern India and Sri Lanka a few years back. Somebody started saying that Basedow had been killed in the tsunami and the rumor was thought to be true for a number of weeks, even months. Luckily, Basedow came out and put the rumors of this untimely death to rest; for which we can all be thankful.
Yes, John Basedow is beloved by all. He is a man we can all aspire to be like.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Tom Crean is also a ninja

The Indiana Hoosiers found their replacement for noted asshole and recruiting violator Kelvin "Somewhat Black" Sampson in Marquette head coach Tom Crean. Obviously, Indiana was extremely desperate and had nowhere else to turn, so they were forced to hire a substantially less...wait.

Tom Crean is an exceptional coach. He's one of the ten best coaches in the country, hands down. What happened? Fuck.

Daily SAll-Star: John Williams

If God is a lighthearted deity, someone who loves and appreciates the more overlooked wonders of life, and I sincerely believe that He is, then God most likely exists on Earth in the form of John Williams.

You've heard John Williams' music. I don't need to ask. He's only the most recognizable, most talented, and most unfairly awesome musician in human history. He is so dominant in his field that there is no field. John Williams doesn't write "classical" music or "movie" music. John Williams Music

Name a film with a familiar tune and it's likely that Williams wrote it. For over forty years, Williams has been the premier--perhaps the only--name in film score composition. He won his first Oscar way back in 1971 for Fiddler on the Roof.

But the big moment for Williams came in 1974 when scruffy young filmmaker Steven Spielberg asked Williams to score his directorial debut, The Sugarland Express. That collaboration led to the most dominant director-musician tag team ever. Perhaps the most dominant duo in any medium ever. No, seriously.

One year after Sugarland, Williams delivered the first of his quite-literally-unforgettable scores when he wrote the music to Spielberg's thriller Jaws.

Spielberg then recommended Williams to his directorial homeslice, George TurkeyNeck Lucas, to score Lucas' upcoming space opera Star Wars. It was with the Star Wars series that Williams first established his inhuman ability to elicit emotion through his leitmotifs. I guarantee you that any other composer in Hollywood would give his left arm just for one of Williams' leitmotifs. That's how good he is. There are forty-four--forty-four!--leitmotifs in all six Star Wars films.

Williams took a break from his Spielberg/Lucas connection to score Superman for director Richard Donner. Donner didn't really do anything; it was just Christopher Reeve and John Williams being awesome.

In 1981, Williams scored the first of an eventual four films in the Indiana Jones series with Raiders of the Lost Ark, an effort which I hold dearest out of all of Williams' endeavors. The first film's principle leitmotif, "The Raiders March," has become one of the most famous pieces of music in history.

It's actually very easy to identify Williams' talent. Simply separate a scene scored by Williams and the track that accompanies it. Watching the clip without sound is unremarkable, perhaps even boring. But listening to a John Williams track, regardless of the accompanying image, is breathtaking. That is the talent of John Williams: the ability to thrill you without images.

Here I shall provide his most famous themes. But first! His most underrated:

(Best part starts around 4:50)

And now for the classics:

He wrote ALL OF THOSE.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Ric Flair, you will be missed

Last night was Wrestlemania 24. An excellent show overall with some stellar matches including the Money in the Bank Ladder Match, the Undertaker's victory over Edge to go 16-0, the surprisingly entertaining Floyd Mayweather-Big Show matchup, and the shocking Triple Threat match where Randy Orton thankfully retained his championship over Triple H and John Cena.

But without a doubt, the highlight of the evening was the retirement match of Ric Flair against long-time friend Shawn Michaels. It was a fantastic match. The emotion was running high and there was nigh a dry eye in the Citrus Bowl. Flair is the greatest wrestler of all-time and, over his 35+ year career, has inspired, influenced, and awed more fans and colleagues that could be thought possible. If you are or at any point were a wrestling fan, or even if you can appreciate a man absolutely mastering his field, I require you to watch the match below (UPDATE: it hath been removed) and enjoy. God bless you, Ric Flair. You will be missed.

Michigan Spring Practice

The first practices for Michigan Football under new head man Rich Rodriguez.

Just a few quick observations:

-It seems that the contending quarterbacks (#10 Steve Threet, #8 Nick Sheridan, and #12 David "The Coner" Cone) have painfully weak arms. Cone threw two behind his intended receiver as well. This must be addressed immediately.

-Although we've all spoken ill of Brandon Minor and his buttery hands over the past year, he was definitely making the crispest of cuts during the RB's drill towards the end of the first clip. Also, for those of you who did not recognize the dreadlocked #34, that is Avery Horn, redshirt freshman and supposedly excellent fit for Rodriguez's style of offense.

-There weren't many clips of the option out of the shotgun, but Nick Sheridan definitely looked the best operating it. For what that's worth.

-Darryl Stonum should not be getting tackled by a garage door. That's bad.

-Brandon Graham has the quickest feet amongst DE's and backers. But that's not news.

-The Mighty Zoltan was given a criminally short time on camera.

-Greg Mathews is our #1 receiver this fall. Nobody else is close. His cuts are like beautiful music.


There are no words I can write that can explain this: The president of the International Automobile Federation (FIA) is embroiled in a sex scandal involving Nazi role-playing at an orgy.

You read that absolutely correctly.

I tell you what: I love America and all it entails, but our big sex scandal here was the Eliot Spitzer thing. Those Euros really up their game for things like this.

Daily SAll-Star: JCVD

Jean-Claude Van Damme can and will kill you.

Nicknamed the "Muscles from Brussels" (also "King of the Belgians" which I prefer), is an international film superstar who has appeared in countless action movies including, Lionheart, Universal Soldier, Timecop, and, one of the greatest movies ever, Bloodsport (see below).

Now, JCVD is set to star in the Belgian self-parody movie: JCVD (I implore you to click the link here). I don't often seek out foreign films (though I'm not opposed to them), but this I will certainly be on the lookout for.

A Damn Fine Christening

Nationals Park was given one hell of an opening night as the new stadium's tenants beat the Braves, 3-2, on a two-out walk-off home run by franchise player Ryan Zimmerman. This can only be the best of omens for the sparkling new digs.

I don't actually know those people...but oh well.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Hooray! Finally!

Maybe it's harsh that I take joy in the release of Jay Gibbons from the Orioles, after all the man did give me a pound at an Orioles' spring training game in 2004. But really, I don't care too much about Gibbons' feelings. Finally the Orioles have released one of their many pieces of dead weight on the roster. Gibbons has had his moments and, other than Johan Santana, might be the best Rule 5 player ever (not saying much, but still). But Gibbons has always been hurt and a drag to the team that has relied upon him far too heavily. By cutting Gibbons, the Orioles are on their way to being a half-way competitive team. All they have to do is get rid of Danys Baez, Steve Trachsel, Ramon Hernandez, Aubrey Huff, Kevin Millar, Melvin Mora, and Jay Payton and they'd finally be paying everybody market-price or lower. I mean they'd still suck. But at least they wouldn't be overpaying to suck.

This isn't really that surprising

Just in case you were wondering: Mr. T is the man.

Disagree? That's because you're a moron.

In addition to being part of the greatest soldier-for-hire team in history, the A-Team, and possessing more bling than the Sultan of Brunei, Mr. T has brought a young boy out of a coma.


God Bless you, Mr. T

Daily SAll-Star: Kenny Loggins

Kenny Loggins sucks at life. Except for this one time when he didn't.

Loggins' career is truly bizarre. Nobody has ever bought any of his albums or heard any of his singles and yet we've all heard of him and his eighth-grade haircut. What's his secret? Simple and devious:

80's MOVIES!

Whenever you watch Top Gun, Caddyshack, or Footloose, you're going to hear Kenny Loggins. A quick glance at his singles history shows that "Danger Zone," "Footloose," and "I'm Alright" all charted in the top seven of the US Top 100, with "Footloose" and "Danger Zone" reaching #1 and #2, respectively. But outside of these soundtrack hits, poor Kenny couldn't even crack #22 without some help from Michael McDonald. Here, in descending order, are his highest-charting singles.