Saturday, April 5, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Keanu "Thespian Pants" Reeves

Apparently his next role is Alec Baldwin

Keanu Reeves is kind of a poop. He's an undeniably terrible actor and some of his movies are unspeakably bad. But every once in a while one of his movies somehow manages to kick ass despite his presence in it.

Speed was pretty good, but mostly because of Dennis Hopper and explosions, and zero-ly because of Keanu and Sandra Bullock. When those two made another movie together a few years later, The Boat House or The Lake House or The Shit House or Not Road House or whatever it was called, the distinct lack of Dennis Hopper and explosions resulted in a terrible movie.

Later on he made The Matrix, which starred Lawrence Fishburne, Lawrence Fishburne's sunglasses, and leather pants. It was pretty cool until the Wachcchchcchchchowwski Brothers turned the series into Star Wars for sexual fetishists and we found out that one of them is an S & M transsexual-in-progress. That kind of killed it for me.

I personally like The Devil's Advocate, because it pits Keanu (terrible actor) against Al Pacino (perhaps best actor ever), and tries to carry that battle for two hours as if it weren't decided at the opening credits. Would you put money on Keanu in that fight? The studio did. Ouch.

But I would be remiss if I neglected to mention Keanu's opus, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. This groundbreaking film gave us perhaps the first look into Genghis Khan's private life and why Napoleon was, in Ted's own words, such "a dick." Bravo.


4 comments:

Benjo, the one without pants said...

constantine was a cool movie...

but yeah keanu sucks...although not at picking a script...he did pass on speed 2 after all

Anonymous said...

I'd gladly deny that he's terrible. You could use a bit of an open mind when writing your own 'poop' on the web for all to see. And no matter how many times you write "terrible actor" next to his name, many of us would continue to disagree. So quit being a dimwit and give him some props. Every time people like you post this drivel online-- your opinion on Keanu's acting worded as "fact", you show that you don't have an original thought in your head. AND you mindlessly insult those who may disagree.
The Matrix was more than just a good movie that Keanu stumbled upon, he played Neo to perfection. As he did with the roles in The Gift, Something's Gotta Give, Parenthood, AND yes Bill and Ted as well as Devil's Advocate.
But surely no other hipster dimwit would dare argue with you that Pacino is "the best actor ever".

So, let's ignore Keanu's longevity, lets ignore his hard work, lets ignore the roles he was undeniably good at and pretend it is only a few movies here and there that saved HIM (let alone the fact that the Matrix would perhaps never have been made if he didn't believe in it and partially finance it), and let's add how "dumb" he is while we're at it - you forgot that part - and good old "Benjo" and similar company would surely write plaudits to your silly little blog.

Benjo, the one without pants said...

ERRONEOUS!!! ERRONEOUS ON ALL COUNTS!!!

easy chief...you are entitled to your opinion as we are entitled to ours...we dont present anything as fact here: we present it as our opinion that we believe in and there need not explain that there are other opinions...we figured our reader base was intellegent enough to discern that

as for me handing out plaudits 'n such...i disagree with nick on many things, even pertaining to this post i dont think that pacino is the best actor ever

one final point, this blog was something nick and i did just for fun...we dont really give a flying fuck about what our readers think...but you did come to us, nobody forced you to read it but you did anyway...so really we've already won...enjoy or dont read, our feelings wont really be hurt either way

so unless you're keanu reeves, please refrain from being a dick on our website...and if you are keanu, we're sorry, it's all in good fun and we like you, we just dont think too highly of your acting skills

Benjo, the one without pants said...
This comment has been removed by the author.