Thursday, April 3, 2008

Daily SAll-Star: Chris Henry

That curious-looking bearded young woman is actually Bengals wide receiver (excuse me, former Bengals wide receiver) Chris Henry, who has proven over the past two-plus years that his talent at the sport of Getting Arrested far exceeds his football skills. Today's transgression was Henry's eleventh since joining the NFL, which he only did after he got the boot from West Virginia's football program.

Not only was today's assault charge Henry's eleventh since December of 2005, it was his third consecutive assault charge. His victims have been an 18-year-old, a 16-year-old, and a valet. That ties Mike Tyson's record for most consecutive assault charges on an unwitting opponent. Vegas has set the odds at 4-1 that Henry gets another assault charge before Tyson.

Other harrowing tales from Chris Henry's Arrestapalooza have included a DUI brought on by his uncontrollable vomiting after being pulled over in September 2006, distributing alcohol to minors despite being a multimillionaire professional athlete when he could have simply paid the teenagers for sex, and my personal favorite, assault with a firearm whilst wearing his #15 jersey.

Considering Herr Goodell's newfound penchant for violent punishment, especially for repeat offenders, it's not a stretch to imagine that Henry's penance will somehow involve sodomy and pigeons.

Right, just to be clear, today's arrest was Henry's third since receiving a new asshole at the hands of this judge. I find it kind of funny that he starts berating Henry by implicating him in the death of an innocent woman but concludes with the far more serious crime of "locker room cancer." That's Cincinnati priorities for you.

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