Saturday, December 8, 2007

Mahalo, Sir!

Extraordinarily awesome news from Navy HQ: their search for a new head coach is over after approximately sixteen minutes. 42-year-old Ken Niumatalolo, the Midshipmen's assistant head coach and offensive line coach for the past six seasons is taking over for the departing Paul Johnson. Niumatalolo is the first Polynesian head coach in the NCAA.

I was briefly saddened yesterday by Johnson's departure because of the uncertainty it left us with Navy's offense. We assumed they would continue to run the triple option in his absence but we weren't sure it would feel the same.

Now, I think it's safe to say that Navy (somehow) just got even more awesome.

The best part about this hire is that starting quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada is returning to the team next fall. I can only gleefully imagine a nationally televised Navy game in which Brent Musberger feebly attempts to report on the action.

"Kaheaku-Enhada looks to the sidelines for the next play, Niumatalolo sends it in. Boy, Kaipo-Noa has looked pretty quick out there today folks. Coach Niumatalolo has got to be pleased with Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada's performace todOH GOD IT HURTS!!!"

Bob Griese is covered in brains.

Your NBA Champion...

...will once again be the san antonio spurs...there is no doubt in my mind and this just proves it: Utah vs. San Antonio Recap

the spurs beat a very good jazz team, a team that made the playoffs a year ago in the superior conference and have gotten better with the renaissance of AK-47 and his swinger wife...but here's the thing...they did it without tim duncan...duncan is unquestionably one of the best players of the last 20 years and arguably is the best power forward ever; he's already won 4 championships and as long as he, gregg popovich, and rc buford are in san antonio they'll win at least a couple more but once again the spurs are going unnoticed and will be until in june when they raise yet another championship trophy

the big stories in the nba this year have been the emergence of the magic as a powerhouse, jason kidd and lebron averaging close to a triple double a night, and stellar play of big three and the celtics...and while all these certainly deserve the attention they're getting...the players involved will tell you that none of it will matter when the top dog of the nba in SA brings home another championship (we might also be talking about a potential sixth championship in a row if it werent for derek fisher getting an assist from the good Lord himself in 2004 and manu's stupid foul in 2006...but that is heavy speculation...but this is half my blog so i can whatever i want)

the 4 biggest threats to the spurs would have to be phoenix, orlando, and boston...phoenix has been real good since steve nash came over but the one knock on them is and always has been that they dont play defense...this has not changed...nash, while he gives great effort, isnt a good defensive play and he cant guard tony parker for too long...amare? terrible defensive player who gets away with freakish a whole there is no way that the suns can get the defensive effort they need to beat a team that is not only offensively but defensively efficient as the spurs we've seen this already a couple times...come playoff time it always is the spurs coming out on top

orlando is a real good team that i like a lot (even if they wildly overpaid for rashard lewis, a personal favorite of mine)...they have one true stud (dwight howard) and a cast of great supporting players...jameer nelson plays the point o-so-very-well and runs their offense well, lewis and hedo turkoglu are good shooters, etc...but can they beat the spurs? howard is good but not yet duncan...and the rest of the team simply arent as good as the rest of the spurs

the celtics are getting the most hype of any team out there (although as folks are wondering if they can better the 72-10 of the '95-'96 should be noted that the spurs have one less loss)...their big 3 is a great combo, no doubt, and they have steam-rolled the competition thus far but there are a couple of things that dont bode well for them...1) their coach is doc rivers...the man is one of the most incompetent coaches in the league...on the other hand the spurs have popovich, who is a hall-of-fame caliber coach and his career achievements have only been surpassed by phil jackson and pat reily amonst active coaches...2) they are playing the big 3 a buttload of minutes so far...part of the reason the big 3 is working so well together is that they're grizzled vets who are willing to sacrifice personal glory for the chance to win...unfortunately grizzled vet-hood means you're battlehardened and why are these guys playing as many minutes as they are? all 3 are playing over 35 minutes in a game...which is fine late in the season...but this early is contrast not a single spur is playing over 35 per game and manu ginobili, one of the spurs' big 3, isnt even playing 30 a game...the minutes will add up...3) other than the big three...who do the celtics have? i see a total of only 7 useful players on the celtics (the big 3, rajon rondo, eddie house, kendrick perkins, and james posey)...these numbers may increase as some veterans will be released from their contracts and picked up later in the season, but until that time 7 is not enough to get by...we've seen it fail before for playoff teams such as detroit and phoenix...the spurs have 10 useful players (all their roster save for darius washington and ian mahinimi, who simply dont get enough minutes to contribute much) if the spurs and celtics meet up in the finals you'd have duncan and garnett canceling each other out, bruce bowen nullifying ray allen, and you're left with paul pierce and some extra parts (reminiscent of the celtics recently) trying to out play tony parker, manu ginobili, and the rest of the spurs great bench...that doesnt look good

Daily SAll-Star: Pete Incaviglia

Many baseball fans and historians consider Pete Incaviglia the greatest college baseball player of all time (He still owns the single-season home run and RBI record to this day). Precisely zero people think Pete Incaviglia was a useful major leaguer.

Incaviglia's Pete-tacular ineptitude was largely due to his public refusal to play a single game in the minor leagues. That's where you get better at baseball. Pete didn't like the sound of "improvement."

So he didn't bother with it. He did, however, find a dancing partner in obesity. He closed out his Major League career in 1998 with 206 home runs, 655 RBI, a .246 lifetime average, and approximately 347 pounds of manicotti.

We salute you, Pete Incaviglia, Mr. Broken Hearts and Liquid Farts, as today's SAll-Star.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Michigan Football: The Ugliest Girl at the Dance

Are you a qualified Division I-A football coach? Then you're probably staying the fuck away from the Michigan job!

Maybe I'm not able to view this vacancy objectively, but I simply don't understand the fear of Michigan that so many of these coaches have. Rutgers head coach Greg Schiano, who held an informal meeting with Michigan AD Bill Martin yesterday, said that he has already removed his name from consideration and has no desire to pursue the job further.

That's right, folks. He'd rather coach football at Rutgers than Michigan.

Has Michigan fallen that far? I truly don't believe so. What I do believe is that Bill Martin is the most colossal fuck-up in the country when it comes to running an athletic department. He showed Les Miles a uniquely vicious form of disrespect when he chose to go sailing when Miles expected him to call. He then counter-offered the $3.45 million Miles makes at LSU with a whopping $1.2 million. That was Lloyd's salary, by the way. The same Lloyd that went 1-6 against Jim Tressel and lost eleven games the past three seasons. Miles admitted upon signing his five-year extension with the Bayou Bengals that he wasn't even sure that Michigan wanted him. The job was his, and Bill Martin jib-sailed it away. Thanks, Bill.

But now for some truly depressing news: Paul Johnson is leaving Navy for the golden shores of Georgia Tech.

You can't fault Johnson for leaving Annapolis. He's already achieved everything that can be done at a service academy. He went 11-1 against Army and Air Force, winning the Commander-in-Chief's trophy five consecutive seasons. He had a 45-29 overall record. He won at least eight games five seasons in a row. He beat Notre Dame, the first Navy victory over the Fighting Irish in 43 years. And, by far the most important part, he ran the TRIPLE MOTHERFUCKING OPTION. We can only hope and pray he brings it to the ACC.

If he does, then Navy's loss is bearable. For I have seen a beautiful future in which Paul Johnson accepts a new post every season, bringing the triple option with him. Soon every school will run it without mercy! HA HA HA! SACRIFICE YOUR CHILDREN UNTO ME!

But there's another story to Johnson's hire at Tech: What becomes of Jon Tenuta? If I were he, I wouldn't be content to return to my defensive coordinator position knowing that there are a handful of prestigious programs just aching for a talented coach.

Why not follow up on Kirk "Objective Journalist Extraordinaire" Herbstreit's Totally Fictional Breaking News Report and head north to Michigan? We'd welcome him with open arms. Georgia Tech was exquisitely boring under the Chan Gailey regime, but their defenses were always ready to play. His office said Defensive Coordinator, but Tenuta made those teams run. Without him they wouldn't have won a game. Of course, the contract that Bill Martin presents will undoubtedly befit a bad high school coach.

Unfortunately, none of this speculation is going to matter when Martin introduces new head coach Mike DeBord at a press conference next week in front of thirty vomiting sports journalists.

Chin up, motherfuckers! At least we won't hire Bill Callahan!

....I hope.

SAll-Star of the Day for 12/07/07

without a doubt has to be an man who embodies mediocrity in sports: Todd Collins, QB, Washington Redskins

Backup QB Collins leads Redskins past reeling Bears

Thursday, December 6, 2007

bad news bears for all michigan fans

this hurts me as a fan of the wolverines:
miles signs extension with lsu

at this point there is no way miles will coach at michigan...unless he pulls a nick saban and bails early...but that would be beneath the kind of guy les is

nick may or may not be crying alone in a corner right now...a prayer vigil will be held later this week

take a look farther down at nick's stellar analysis of the top 4 candidates for the position

an introductory post

this is a means of a brief introduction for our loyal legions of readers...

(it's can stop laughing now)

we've already had a few posts before this one...but i guess this can be our "first" post...this is Sal Fasano's All-Stars: a weBLOG dedicated to various endeavors into greatness in the realms of sports, film, music, and popular culture in general...

this project was born out of nick's being awesome and being told that by a writer for the detroit free press that he was a talented and funny story this is simply the two of us putting the never-ending discussions concerning whatever in a public forum...we really plan on not changing anything from the discussions which are powered by old halloween candy, frosty beverages, poop-jokes, and wrestling videogames in the basement

the two composers of this site wish to pay homage to various websites and authors who have inspired us including (but not limited to) Bill Simmons of ESPN, the sports blogs With Leather and Every Day Should Be Saturday, the humor website Cracked, and numerous others

keep in mind that these our opinions 'n such...we realize that we have all the maturity of a couple of 2nd graders but we do hope you enjoy everything...we welcome any and all comments and suggestions (keep it relatively appropriate)


or don't...our feelings won't be hurt

SAll-Star of the Day

We'll hash out a full roster soon, but one feature I'd like to establish is a Daily SAll-Star. To kick things off, I present to you the one, the only, Robert Carlyle.

Not even a Scotsman could tell you what he said.

Carlyle followed up this....inspiring performance with the lead in the uncomfortably hilarious The Full Monty and most recently tried to eat his children in 28 Weeks Later.

We salute you, Robert, for your wit, your charm, your accent, and most importantly, your penchant for violence.

Reagan Sucks

Ben might be down with Teflon Ron, but don't get it twisted: Nico Suave only rolls with Gerardo.

a post that has been discussed before though not in this forum

my list of the 10 greatest human beings ever (in no particular order):

al hrabosky/sal fasano (of course)
mr. t
ronald reagan
cal ripken jr.
christopher walken
gary oldman
shawn kemp
arnold schwarzenegger
sean connery
dwayne "the rock" johnson

hrabosky/fasano are a single entity because they embody all that is great about baseball: you can be an unathletic plumber but as long as you do one thing really well and sport some sweet facial hair you can be paid to play...sal is obviously a personal hero our nick and mine's (my's?)...hrabosky gets bonus points for having the best nickname ever (the mad hungarian)

mr t. is an 80s (the greatest decade) icon...the mohawk, the gold chains, it's all awesome...his performance in rocky III makes that movie one of the best ever (though not the best rocky movie...the original and IV were better)

ronald reagan lived the american star, governor of the largest state in the union, one of our greatest presidents, defeated communism...what more can you ask for?

cal ripken jr...i am hopelessly addicted to the baltimore orioles...therefore, if you know anything about baseball or the orioles, you should know that cal ripken is god in baltimore

christopher walken...despite being in some truly awful movies (as well as some good ones) walken has never not been great...he also has the distinction of being our favorite snl host ever (he easily is in everyone's top 5)

gary oldman is perhaps the least well known member of the list...he played sirius black in the harry potter movies, commissioner gordon in batman begins (alongside christian bale, number 11 on this list), the head terrorist in air force one, jean-baptiste emanuel zorg in the fifth element, and stansfield in leon, one of the greatest characters ever in one of the greatest movies ever...gary oldman is simply the man

shawn kemp...for a brief period kemp was one of the best basketball players in the world and the most thunderous dunker on the planet...but what sets him apart is his prolific fathering of illegitimate children (although he has been surpassed for the crown in that category by travis henry of the nfl) which brought upon severe financial strain due to child support addition kemp has the distinction of being the only person ever to get fatter while doing coke

arnold schwarzenegger...any of the 3 phases of arnold would be enough to put him on the list...back in the day he was the most muscular man on the planet...that certainly counts for something...then as a movie star he was the most bankable name in action with such classics at commando and total recall and some hall of fame films terminator 1 and 2 as well as predator...his political career has been a success as well...he is running the state of caleeefornia way better than gray davis ever could...if arnold were allowed to run for president who wouldnt vote for him? he'd be the most badassed world leader ever (included venerable badasses ghengis khan, ramses II, and andrew jackson)

sean connery...the great accent, the stellar acting career, knighted...all great selling points...but all that matters is he was james bond...there is not a single man out there who doesnt want to be james bond

dwayne "the rock" personal man crush...but it is easy to see why...he was a national champion playing football at the university of miami...his wrestling career is one of the best: he was 5 time world tag champion, a two time intercontinental champion, a two time wcw champion, and a record 7 time wwf/e i know wrestling has predetermined outcomes...but championships are awarded to only the best in the business...and at any given point during his career the rock was the most popular man in sports entertainment, a multi-billion dollar addition the rock has starred in numerous movies and has quickly become a large box office draw...his is one of the most althletic humans on the planet as well as one of the quickest wits out there (nearly every single promo and mic piece he did in wrestling was ad-libbed) he's half samoan...and everyone knows samoans are call the rock "the great one" is an understatement

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


do you mean you're just gonna photoshop the entire title banner and fore-go any text over the images and instead have the text be part of the image? i like that idea...and that way we can fit in some more paramounts of mediocrity

this is promising

because i can do the title in photoshop and do away with the text here. we're closer!

also i think a real post might make its way on here by 3 or 4 am....i'm thinking Hollywood roster


ah hefty vexation indeed...


Ja ik eens

which of course is "yes i agree" in dutch (i dont speak dutch...but i do have access to google language tools)...with exams 'n such i dont think we should become official until christmas break...

that being said i think if either of us has time to kill and feels the urge a post might be in order

oops: an answer for you

the template is the overall structure and appearance. it is precisely what is under my skin presently. it vexes me....i'm terribly vexed.

that means

do you agree? in italian

i hope you're busy

because i'm busy. i would say that we are not underway until we hash it out over christmas. accosentite?


Labels for this post? Perhaps.

what am i?


me attempting a video post

this is kinda what we're about: Royals by Mail


i think i'm misunderstanding what the template it the background of the whole thing?

A long one

OK, since our posts on this are going to be of the fireside ghost story variety, let's try a lengthy test post. I will briefly discuss candidates for the Michigan head football coaching position.

1. Ron English

Ron English is the current defensive coordinator for the Wolverines, so a promotion to head coach would both satisfy Bo's ever-present necessity of a Michigan Man coaching Michigan and provide some stability with returning players. That stability might not show itself on the field for at least a year or two, however, as a Michigan program under the 39-year-old English's leadership would likely require some viciously bumpy training wheel years.

English is a competitor and a spectacular recruiter (he stole five-star CB Donovan Warren from Pete Carroll and the Trojans just before Signing Day), but his actual coaching prowess is yet to be determined. The '06 defense destroyed opposing running backs for the first eleven weeks of the season. Michigan (and English) could do no wrong on the defensive side of the ball. Then mobile quarterback Troy Smith picked the Wolverines apart in the most important game of the year en route to a 52-point outburst by Ohio State.

The truth hurts: Michigan is old-fashioned. We have been unable to stop the spread option for the past four years, and this year's loss to FCS superpower Appalachian State was simply the final straw. Yes, Vince Young was a once-in-a-lifetime talent. And Ohio State was considerably better than Michigan last year. But a loss at home to a team beneath your division is proof that your inability to stop the spread is not due to the teams employing it but to the scheme itself. Who's to say this wouldn't continue if English were hired as the head coach?

Overall, he's young, he's energetic, and he's dedicated enough to create a champion at Michigan. We'll simply have to grind our teeth while he finishes fifth in the Big Ten for two years.

2. Kirk Ferentz

Ferentz would have been a generally acceptable pick for the Michigan job four years ago. He ran a clean program, he was young, he knew the Big Ten, and he got results out of even the least-touted of players. But two 6-6 seasons and a laundry list of arrests later makes this option a poor one.

Ferentz, more or less, is Lloyd Carr with less discipline. For two years we praised his ability to squeeze results out of walk-ons and unheralded scrubs. We failed to notice that his scrappy, makeshift teams were the result of his inability to recruit.

30% of the Iowa football team was arrested during the 2007 season. Unacceptable.

The scariest part about Ferentz is the fact that U of M president Mary Sue Coleman loves him. Absolutely adores him.

3. Mike DeBord

If we don't talk about him, maybe nobody will notice he's a candidate. If he were hired, Michigan football would suffer a greater blow than Nebraska under the Callahan regime. You could expect at least six losses every year under him.

4. Brian Kelly

He's young, he's a winner, and he's coached in Michigan. Brian Kelly seems like the perfect candidate for a Big Ten vacancy. Except he's, um, racist. Really racist. And Bill Martin isn't even considering him anymore. Oh, well.

5. Jeff Tedford

Runs a specific system, which garners two results:

a) his players don't make it in the NFL
b) high schoolers don't want to play for him because they know there is no future in his system

He's also not a Michigan Man. Not even close. Boobies!

5. Les Miles


All aboard!

Testing the ability to post videos directly to the page.
wow...that is sexy

test post

PENGISSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KHANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's Pooptacular!

This doesn't really count. The blog is not open for business yet. I guess I'm trying to fashion the page to resemble WithLeather or EDSBS, but I'm none too bright with these here computers. Let's be patient. Ben, if you read this, I will be home soon and we can hammer it out together. After the page looks decent, it will just be a matter of posting. Piece of cake.

The only other matter of business about this page is that if and when we get some sort of circulation on this bad mother, I will probably update it at 3 am. I don't know about Ben's schedule.