Friday, December 7, 2007

Michigan Football: The Ugliest Girl at the Dance

Are you a qualified Division I-A football coach? Then you're probably staying the fuck away from the Michigan job!

Maybe I'm not able to view this vacancy objectively, but I simply don't understand the fear of Michigan that so many of these coaches have. Rutgers head coach Greg Schiano, who held an informal meeting with Michigan AD Bill Martin yesterday, said that he has already removed his name from consideration and has no desire to pursue the job further.

That's right, folks. He'd rather coach football at Rutgers than Michigan.

Has Michigan fallen that far? I truly don't believe so. What I do believe is that Bill Martin is the most colossal fuck-up in the country when it comes to running an athletic department. He showed Les Miles a uniquely vicious form of disrespect when he chose to go sailing when Miles expected him to call. He then counter-offered the $3.45 million Miles makes at LSU with a whopping $1.2 million. That was Lloyd's salary, by the way. The same Lloyd that went 1-6 against Jim Tressel and lost eleven games the past three seasons. Miles admitted upon signing his five-year extension with the Bayou Bengals that he wasn't even sure that Michigan wanted him. The job was his, and Bill Martin jib-sailed it away. Thanks, Bill.

But now for some truly depressing news: Paul Johnson is leaving Navy for the golden shores of Georgia Tech.

You can't fault Johnson for leaving Annapolis. He's already achieved everything that can be done at a service academy. He went 11-1 against Army and Air Force, winning the Commander-in-Chief's trophy five consecutive seasons. He had a 45-29 overall record. He won at least eight games five seasons in a row. He beat Notre Dame, the first Navy victory over the Fighting Irish in 43 years. And, by far the most important part, he ran the TRIPLE MOTHERFUCKING OPTION. We can only hope and pray he brings it to the ACC.

If he does, then Navy's loss is bearable. For I have seen a beautiful future in which Paul Johnson accepts a new post every season, bringing the triple option with him. Soon every school will run it without mercy! HA HA HA! SACRIFICE YOUR CHILDREN UNTO ME!

But there's another story to Johnson's hire at Tech: What becomes of Jon Tenuta? If I were he, I wouldn't be content to return to my defensive coordinator position knowing that there are a handful of prestigious programs just aching for a talented coach.

Why not follow up on Kirk "Objective Journalist Extraordinaire" Herbstreit's Totally Fictional Breaking News Report and head north to Michigan? We'd welcome him with open arms. Georgia Tech was exquisitely boring under the Chan Gailey regime, but their defenses were always ready to play. His office said Defensive Coordinator, but Tenuta made those teams run. Without him they wouldn't have won a game. Of course, the contract that Bill Martin presents will undoubtedly befit a bad high school coach.

Unfortunately, none of this speculation is going to matter when Martin introduces new head coach Mike DeBord at a press conference next week in front of thirty vomiting sports journalists.

Chin up, motherfuckers! At least we won't hire Bill Callahan!

....I hope.

1 comment:

Benjo, the one without pants said...

martin has brought a mighty program to its proverbial knees...tenuta would be a great coach...similar mold as english but ready to step in whereas scrumtralescent ron is a couple years away...but i think schiano and others are staying away because of the the spread offense and a newfound focus on athleticism...michigan hasnt kept up with this (see every loss they've had in the last 4 or 5 years) and whoever the next coach is will have to begin recruiting faster defensive players and defensive backs who can actually tackle