Saturday, May 3, 2008

Daily Handicapable: Oscar Pistorius

Oscar Pistorius is a record-holding sprinter from South Africa. He has one of the coolest nicknames in sports: "The Blade Runner." And he was born with no fibulae.

Yes, young Oscar has no legs, but that doesn't stop him from kicking all kinds of ass on the track. He holds three Paralympic records and has finished sixth and seventh in his two races against able-bodied competition. He has petitioned the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) to compete in the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, but officials have declared his extremely badass running blades to be an unfair advantage. Which, despite seeming a little harsh on the disabled, is probably true. Don't tell me looking over your shoulder and seeing this wouldn't break your concentration just a little.

For now, Oscar will have to make do smoking legless fools in disabled events. But something tells me the IOC will step in eventually and we'll see The Blade Runner on the medal stand in London.

Friday, May 2, 2008

For Shame

Just a few years after saying that he would save the LSU football program by taking the reigns of the team from future #1 NFL draft pick JaMarcus Russell, QB Ryan Perrilloux has been kicked off the team.

Perrilloux was once the top rated QB in his class, but he never put it all together and now he's S.O.L. Perrilloux was always surrounded by controversy. Before he even was in college, he caused quite a stir by first committing to the University of Texas, then withdrawing his commitment to attend LSU. Then came the audacious statements about how he was going to supplant All-SEC player and veritable beast on the field Russell and highly rated backup Matt Flynn during his freshman year (never happened). Perrilloux was part of numerous controversies generally reserved for Florida State or University of Miami players. He skipped out on a team meeting (to attend his father's funeral yes, but at least call up a teammate and let them know where you are); he was on the fringe of a counterfeiting scandal; and was involved in a nightclub incident in Baton Rouge. In general though, Perrilloux was an over-confident asshole who thought he was hot shit.

Enjoy working at Arby's the rest of your life!


This time it's Jay Cutler, QB, Denver Broncos.

Daily SAll-Star: Danny Hultzen

I realize that I've been dominating in the nepotism department recently, but it's been a good stretch for people I know.

Today's SAll-Star is Danny Hultzen, a senior at St. Albans High School in Washington, DC and super-stud pitcher. He was profiled in the April 30 edition of the Washington Post's Sports Section.

Nick and I congratulate Showtime on all his success and wish him nothing but the best. He's one of the best guys around and he deserves all the the accolades he receives.

I don't have anything else related to Hultzen so I'll give you this.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Round 1: The Hits

Daily Uncle Jesse: Stamos

Stamos is bored beyond human comprehension

Despite all of his awesomeness, John Stamos does not have anything interesting in his life that I can report to you. He landed a role on Full House which he rode to minor stardom during his eight-year tenure on the show, settled into bit roles for the next twelve years, and started shooting NyQuil in his ass. You know. Stuff. But isn't that what makes us love Stamos? I say yes.

Stamos' real last name is actually Stamatopoulos. Whee!

Shatner Funk

Re: Avery

The problem with the Mavericks was quite blatantly not Avery Johnson, who only retired from playing three years ago. He is a young man with a tremendous record and his playoff W-L has a lot to do with the glass jaw roster of the Mavericks. If you're clutch, you're clutch, and no amount of schnitzel can turn Dirk Nowitski into a crunch-time machine. It's becoming more and more clear to everyone that Dirk will never win an NBA title as the #1 option on any team, no matter who Cuban plugs into the rotation. That's something Pau Gasol accepted midway through this season, and he could be on his way to a ring in LA. The Mavericks are getting older and less athletic, their youngest star is an overrated pothead, and they simply have no organizational direction whatsoever. Are they a perimeter team? Fast break? Half-court? The funny thing is that their flaws have been obvious for over a year, since they lost to Golden State in the first round of the 2007 playoffs. Cohesion creates winners. The Mavericks are not cohesive and thus do not win playoff series. Considering he has just unfairly terminated his young coach, Mark Cuban's only option now is to completely detonate the roster with one exception: Brandon Bass. If there was one player on Dallas who proved he belonged in the second season against the well-coached and well-oiled Hornets, it was Bass. Kenny Smith suggested a Carmelo-Dirk swap; at this point, I say why not? Both franchises are at frustrating impasses and they either need to get demonstrably better or worse. Even Buffalo Bills fans would say enough is enough eventually.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I'm not sure this is the right move: the Mavericks fired Avery Johnson from their head coaching position following the Mavs' second straight first round playoff exit.

Now I agree that with the Mavs current team, they weren't gonna go any further and a change needed to be made, but I don't think it was Avery's fault. Really, the reason this team failed is because they have Dirk Nowitzki (a very good, but not great player), Josh Howard (who at any given point may be high and has entered Ben Wallace territory in that he's been underrated for so long, he's now overrated), Jason Terry (who can shoot but is too streaky and can't play defense), and the shell of Jason Kidd. Simply put, the team wasn't that good and couldn't defend Chris Paul when it mattered (something I believe only the Spurs or Lakers could do in the west). Johnson had an excellent 194-70 record in the regular season during his tenure. Unfortunately, his 23-24 in the playoffs was his undoing. My only question is "who's next?" I don't see anybody who could be considered significantly better. Rick Carlisle maybe? If Mike D'Antoni is fired then he'd be better, but his teams haven't gotten much further in the playoffs either.

Regardless, tough luck, Avery. But don't worry, you'll have a job somewhere else very soon.

Would You Like a Foot Massage?



Daily SAll-Crooner: Michael Bolton

If you are female (or some dudes) who had reached puberty by the late 1980s, at some point you wanted Michael Bolton to come and sweep you up off your feet and carry you away on a white steed to a majestic castle in the clouds.

But then mullets went out of style (for some unknown reason). Like Samson's strength from the Bible, when the mighty Bolton was forced to cut his mullet in order to stay on top of the latest fashions, Bolton's popularity waned as time progressed.

Still, Michael Bolton has left an indelible mark upon the music industry, earning awards from both the American Music Awards and Grammy Awards.
Just look into those eyes and try not to get swept away.

Filipino C-SPAN is Dangerous

I don't know what she was saying, but it was probably something heinous and reprehensible, like "I'm wearing glasses."

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Daily Diabetic: Big Country

Bryant Reeves is a big boy. At 7 feet tall and officially weighing in at 275 pounds (although he is probably closer to 375), the native of tiny Gans, Oklahoma would probably have made a dominant farmer, considering his ability to eat sickly cows by himself would have both maintained genetic superiority amongst his livestock as well as terrified them into providing delicious milk. However, Big Country chose to employ his girth on the basketball court, of all places. Reeves played a bruising, physical style of eating, often beating his dining companions about the head and shoulders in order to ensure his dominance at the dinner table.

He kind of sucked at basketball.

He was selected sixth overall in the 1995 NBA Draft by the Vancouver Grizzlies in their inaugural draft, explaining their 22-60 record 13 years later. Big Country was taken six spots ahead of Cherokee Parks and 22 spots ahead of Greg Ostertag, making the 1995 NBA Draft the greatest Useless White Man draft of all time. After his rookie season, the Grizzlies gave Big Country $62 million to eat himself to death so he wouldn't ruin their basketball team anymore, but the plan backfired when he only gained weight instead of dying immediately.

I recently unearthed two clips from an alternate universe in which Big Country defeated Tim Duncan and Marcus Camby in actual basketball. Which we all know is physically impossible.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Smell Yo Dick

There really isn't anything I could say about this that the song and video doesn't explain perfectly.

Daily SAll-Star

Today's SAll-Star is Danny Rouhier, comedian. He's a funny guy. He went to your authors' high school. Check out his website and his act. Support him because he's funnier than you are (probably).

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Daily Patriot: Caleb Campbell

Do not attempt a post route

Maybe it was just me, but this year's NFL draft seemed to feature a lot of big names on the second
day. Sure, perhaps we've known for a while that John David Booty wouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL. We've known that Mike Hart is short and slow. We've known that Colt Brennan is a 180-pound rapist. But still, watching the draft reach its end and only hearing these marquee Heisman candidates' names within the final few picks was somewhat weird. On a personal note, I am highly displeased that Hart landed with the Colts. I hate the Colts.

And although we here at Sal Fasano's All-Stars pride ourselves on mediocrity, today's selection is not 2008 Mr. Irrelevant David Vobora, safety from Idaho drafted by the St. Louis Rams with the 252nd and final pick of the draft. Instead, we celebrate Caleb Campbell, the 218th selection overall by the Detroit Lions. Campbell is a safety with legit size for the NFL (6-2, 230) and will look to contribute at the very least on special teams in his rookie season. However, it is somewhat unique that he will have a rookie season at all because Campbell was drafted out of the Army football program. The Black Knights recently instituted a rule permitting their athletes to pursue professional careers immediately after graduation. However, nobody noticed at the time because Army sucks at sports and nobody expected anyone from West Point to get drafted. We were all happily surprised by Campbell's selection.

In a small and unimportant bit of analysis on my part, I would say that the Atlanta Falcons had the most successful draft. The Kansas City Chiefs, New England Patriots, and the Washington Redskins also did very well for themselves. The Green Bay Packers and Jacksonville Jaguars had somewhat turd-flavored drafts.