Monday, December 31, 2007

I Never Liked You Anyway by Brian Billick

I'm way too smart for you. For all of you. The NFL can't handle my gigantic brain.
I love penis. Penis is the greatest. Shizzle McSnizzle! I'm so good at coaching football that my testicles explode. LA LA LA LA LA!
Hey, did you know that my teams have sucked since we won the Super Bowl? Did you know that Ray Lewis receives 75% of my annual salary just so he won't murder me? Did you know that I am Smug Asshole Number One in all of professional football, including "Mark Cuban?"

You know who should hire me? NOBODY. After all, I've never been a head coach before the Ravens hired me. Also, I'm old. And I went to Brigham Young.

Would you like to know something extremely fucked up about me, Brian Dick Cheese Billick? Before I entered coaching, I attempted to make a fucking career out of appearing on game shows in the late 1970's. That would be a funny joke if it weren't actual fucking history.

Here's another fact you probably could have guessed about me, since it's totally obvious: I bathe in my own semen. That is how much unwarranted admiration I have for myself.

In closing, I should rot in hell for all eternity.

Daily SAll-Star

Steve Bisciotti, owner of the Baltimore Ravens

Why? Because Bisciotti did what should have been done a couple seasons ago and fired Brian Billick, a severely overrated head coach whose entire Baltimore tenure has been marked by under-achieving offenses (his supposed area of expertise) and dominating defenses lead by coordinators such as Marvin Lewis and Rex Ryan. Billick acted very smugly throughout his time as head coach, but never more so than earlier this year when he stated with great certainty that he would return as coach next season. Guess not, Brian.

So thank you, Steve, for firing this flaming bag of poop. Stay classy with your greased back hair and fine suits. And try not to hire another terrible coach.

Benjo's NFL Playoff Spectacular!

Hail to the Redskins! Hail victory! Braves on the warpath! Fight for Old DC!

It's playoff time in the NFL and the Washington Redskins are back in contention after a severe dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys. And while I would certainly love to see them run the table and get to the Super Bowl (where they might lose by 84 points to the Patriots) I just don't see it happening.

Here are my picks for these NFL Playoffs:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over the New York Giants
Washington Redskins over the Seattle Seahawks
Jacksonville Jaguars over the Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers over the Tennessee Titans


Washington Redskins over the Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
New England Patriots over the Jacksonville Jaguars
Indianapolis Colts over the San Diego Chargers (in the most lopsided victory of the playoffs)


Green Bay Packers over the Washington Redskins
New England Patriots over the Indianapolis Colts

and finally

New England Patriots over the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Daily (Nightly?) SAll-Star: "Carlos" Santana Moss

In honor of the Redskins' stomptacular 27-6 victory over the totally gay Dallas Cowboys, tonight's SAll-Star is Mr. Santana Moss, a man so fast that he had to change his last name from McLightningdick to something slower so he wouldn't give himself headaches.
I would like to give this award to the entire Redskins team, in particular Todd Collins and the entire defensive line. but as Toddzilla has already been named to the prestigious roster of this fine website and the defensive line is comprised of more than one man (INELIGIBLE!), I hereby bestow the SAll-Star tag upon the Santana Banana for his 115-yard receiving performance today.
It was raining, it was cold, and there was no guarantee that the Redskins would make the playoffs after 60 minutes had rolled off the clock. But Moss and the 'Skins played like they had a twelfth man with them in Landover tonight--and, if you're a man of faith like me, you believe they truly did. This team has rallied around Collins and pressed forward in honor of Sean Taylor, their fallen comrade. I'm not a Redskins fan, but I am as big a Tarantula fan as you are likely to find. His unnecessary death is still difficult to accept, but this magical run by his teammates has temporarily provided some relief from grief.
A 21-point victory over the #1 seed in the conference is impressive no matter who gets playing time. But even better is a five-game winning streak entering the playoffs and a career backup quarterback with a passer rating over 100 during that streak. When you examine the teams in the NFC playoffs--

1. Dallas (13-3)
2. Green Bay (13-3)
3. Tampa Bay (10-6)
4. Seattle (9-7)
5. New York (9-7)
6. Washington (9-7)
--you will realize that although there are favorites, there are no real juggernauts here. Washington is the hottest team entering the postseason and there is no evidence to suggest they can't meet New England in Pink Taco Stadium come February 3rd.
(My personal prediction for Super Bowl XLII is New England 45, Green Bay 24, but we'll cover that later.)
Finally, I'd like to tell our three loyal readers that the spastic posting schedule during Christmas will come to an end soon. By January 3rd, we will be daily again.

cal ripken jr: great man, greater friend

Especially for his endorsement of best friend, and my personal baseball icon, Brady "Sideburns" Anderson for the Hall of Fame.

While Brady almost certainly won't garner many Hall of Fame votes, it is nice to know that the two most iconic Orioles of the 90's (granted that is not saying much at all) are still bestest friends.

Their careers could make a great buddy-cop know...if they were cops instead of baseball players.

Wade Boggs' Chicken Emporium


The news came in yesterday: Rick Neuheisel is back coaching college football. Neuheisel, you may remember, was last seen in the college ranks in 2003 when he was being fired by Washington for betting in a NCAA Basketball Tourney Pool. He sued for wrongful contract termination and ended up settling for $4.5 million. Of course, Neuheisel was also responsible for a Colorado being placed on a 2 year probationary period regarding some improper conduct concerning recruits, so he has a bit of a shady past.

But so what? So the guy likes to gamble and have a good time and illegally recruit players? Who cares? I predict a National Championship (or 4) for UCLA in the next 5 years...Neuheisel is that damn good.

The only news more exciting than this would be the opening of Wade Boggs' Chicken Emporium.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

monster trade!

But not really...more like an exchange of decent white guys who shoot a lot of three pointers

The Jazz get Korver, the better player, who looks like Ashton Kutcher's retarded cousin (see illustration) and the 76ers get Giricek's expiring contract

To say that this is a barn-burner would rank with Chamberlain's "Peace for our time" on history's list of greatest overstatements...but here at Sal Fasano's All-Stars, we excel in the mediocre.

Daily SAll-Star

That little Christmas break from this was nice...but now it is time to come back guns blazin'!

In honor of your two humble authors' impending visit to Baltimore for some good ol' wrestling fun, today's All-Star is Mark Calaway.

Granted, the name Mark Calaway means practically nothing to almost everyone outside Mark's family and coworkers. Calaway is better known by his ring name: the Undertaker. The Undertaker is one of the few names that is atop every wrestling fan's list of all-time greats, no matter the criteria. A regular in WWE since 1990, the Undertaker has been at the top of the wrestling game his entire career. Look no further than his unbelievable 15-0 record at Wrestlemania. The wins are impressive no doubt, though one can dismiss them as part of the predetermined nature of wrestling. But what is really impressive is the sheer number of matches, 15 all at mid-card or above status. This translates to the Undertaker being one of the most popular names in the business every year of his career except for the two Wrestlemanias he has missed (both due to injury). Add that to the best gimmick ever, the best entrance ever, an array of extremely impressive moves such as Old School, the Tombstone Piledriver, and the Chokeslam, and some of the most impressive matches ever (including the one below) and you have yourself a legend.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

This would be the daily all-star, but today's star, Jesus Christ, is so much bigger than that.

So I'll simply leave this video of the immensely talented Josh Groban singing O Holy Night, my favorite Christmas song.

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Daily SAll-Star: Muse

Merry Christmas, everyone. Check out Muse, an eclectic band of Englishmen whose musical stylings are sure to please fans of every genre. As some of you probably know, it is incredibly difficult for white people to make music that I enjoy. Most musicians of the non-James Brown persuasion fail the Nick Coston Music Test miserably. Yet Muse has somehow succeeded. Listen to them and watch 28 Days Later to get into that Christmas spirit.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the Dallas Mavericks suck

daily sall-star

Kevin Everett.

On Sept. 9, during the Buffalo Bills first game of the season, Everett, a backup tight end, made a special teams tackle on Denver Broncos' KR Domenik Hixon. The tackle hurt Everett's spine to the point that doctors thought that Everett might never walk again and possibly be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life. Not only has Everett gotten around to walking again, but he was able to join his Bills teammates on the sideline for their game against the New York Giants today (12/23/07). This is an inspirational story of epic proportions. Kudos to Kevin Everett.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Free Shoes University, a sorry excuse for a program

This is why Bobby Bowden, despite being the all-time leader in wins, is not a great coach. A good college coach is one who will not only lead his team on the field but off it as well. Bobby Bowden has, time and again, failed to do so with the Seminoles. These transgressions wouldn't be as large an issue if the team were actually relevant...but Bowden's teams have not been dominant since the late 90s and have been the beneficiaries of weak ACC play (University of Maryland included).

I hope that a severe thumping in their bowl game vs. Kentucky, lead by the impressive Andre Woodson, will force FSU to shape up...but that is unlikely. Unfortunately there is only one possible to force Bowden and Florida State to change, and that is fine and sanction them (taking away scholarships 'n such).

Daily SAll-Star: Chris Kaman

In honor of his eleventh consecutive double-double, today's SAll-Star is Los Angeles Clippers center and professional caveman Chris Kaman.

Kaman, a native of Grand Rapids, Michigan and graduate of the esteemed Central Michigan University, declared for the 2003 NBA draft after three seasons for the Chippewas, whom he led to the NCAA tournament as a junior. He has quickly become one of the most respected big men in the NBA for his physical play and knack for offensive rebounds.

Kaman is also notable for being punched ferociously in the testicles by Reggie Evans during the 2006 playoffs.

Friday, December 21, 2007

general baseball shennanigans

just a few baseball related thoughts:

Odd trade today concerning the Reds and Rangers. The Reds sent OF Josh Hamilton to the Rangers for Edinson Volquez and a prospect to be named later (likely Danny Ray Herrera). Hamilton, a NL Comeback Player of the Year finalist (although he should have won; Rick Ankiel, who I love, came back from sucking, Hamilton came back from alcohol and crack addictions, slightly bigger issues), hit 19 HRs, with a solid .368 OBP, and an impressive .554 SLG while playing solid defense for the Reds. He was a fan favorite and garnered an NL-leading 150,000+ write-in All-Star votes. Volquez, a good prospect in the Rangers system, had trouble adjusting to the Majors but pitched well at 3 minor league levels last year. Projected as a middle to back of the rotation starter, Volquez is a prospect who can be very valuable to a team without much in the way of quality pitching (as both the Reds and Rangers are). But this trade doesn't make much sense as Hamilton was a solid player who served as a future replacement for the aging Ken Griffey, Jr. and the perpetually available Adam Dunn. And Volquez was a rare pitching prospect for the Rangers who actually had a future.

In the ever-expanding world of ridiculous contracts, the Mariners announced that they have signed SP Carlos Silva to a 4-year, $48 million contract. Silva is an average starting pitcher who makes most staffs, including the Mariners', better. He is a proven guy who can give you a lot of quality innings and will certainly receive a boost from moving to pitcher-friendly Safeco Field. Unfortunately, the Mariners signed him to a deal that is paying him about $15 million too much. League average starting pitchers, while a valuable commodity when filling the back of a rotation, should not be getting paid $50 million. But this deal is indicative of the Mariners since the late '90s. As the legendary Bill Veeck once put it, "It's isn't the high price of stars that's expensive; it's the high price of mediocrity."

Now both these deals are actually encouraging to me because of the implications concerning the Baltimore Orioles. The Orioles are shopping ace Erik Bedard around the league and will likely trade him either this offseason or before the July 31st trade deadline, barring of course the signing of an extension (which is optimal, I believe). But so far the two teams most interested in acquiring Bedard, a legitimate Cy Young candidate last season until injuring a rib-cage muscle in late August, have been the Reds and Mariners. This bodes well for the Orioles because those two teams are likely to highly overpay for the left-hander, with the Reds likely giving away top-pitching prospect Homer Bailey and the Mariners likely including their best prospect, outfielder Adam Jones. Of course, given the Orioles history, they'll trade Bedard to division rival Tampa Bay for a ham sandwich (the turning point in many a poor deal) and a 2-year subscription to the Tampa Tribune.

Another poor move is the Tigers giving an extension of 3 years and $29 million to the recently acquired Dontrelle Willis. This is a gross over-paying that should be closer to an extension of zero years and $0 million. Willis was a salary-related throw-in in the trade with the Marlins that netted the Tigers the very imposing Miguel Cabrera. Willis has been on the decline since a very good 2005. He gave a very pedestrian performance last season in the inferior league pitching in the most pitcher-friendly stadium in the league. Willis' problem is that he doesn't really have great stuff and he got by earlier due to his funky delivery that threw off hitters' timing; but now hitters have gotten used to it and hit him like any other league average pitcher who doesn't locate pitches with good consistency. Willis is being paid like this because he is a big name with a great personality and this is a trap that all bad general managers fall into, which is why it is surprising that the Tigers Dave Dombrowski is involved, as he is one of the better GMs in the league. In fact, the reason why the Athletics have been successful since the late 90s is because Billy Beane has bought low and sold high, trading off names and their perceived value for production.

The final piece of baseball-related news is Curt Schilling deciding to once again assume the role of moral police of baseball. Schilling stated that if Roger Clemens, greatest pitcher of his generation and noted bag of shit, cannot clear his name from steroid accusations made in the Mitchell Report then he should forfeit his 4 Cy Young awards earned after 1997. I respect Curt Schilling a great deal. He is a borderline Hall of Fame pitcher and one of the finest starting pitchers of the last two decades. He is clearly one of the most intelligent and articulate persons to ever be paid to play a sport. He is the finest athlete to ever come out of the great state of Alaska. He has cemented his place as one of the most important players in the history of two franchises (the Diamondbacks and Redsox). But Schilling's suggestion concerning Clemens is utterly ridiculous. I do not like Roger Clemens at all and I wouldn't mind for him to have to forfeit his numerous awards and accolades, but to retroactively strip him is a dangerous precedent. This means that every single person who has ever cheated must be stripped of their awards that were acquired whilst skirting the rule book or did something illegal. Not only does this include every single steroid user, but also spit-ballers including Hall of Famers Red Faber, Gaylord Perry, and Ed Walsh. This would have to include sign-stealers like Bobby Thompson, who stole signs to hit a homerun that clinched the 1951 NL pennant for the NY Giants. This would have to include players using corked bats, including multi-time all-star Norm Cash, who admitted, after retiring, to corking his bat for most of his career. This would have to include drug users including noted cocaine fiends Daryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden, two of the finest players of the 1980s. Ultimately, the players brought up in the Mitchell report, including Clemens, cannot be punished by taking away anything because of the implications it would have on the rest of baseball's rich history. Now going forward, I believe anyone using steroids should be punished via suspension, fine, etc. and those mentioned in the Mitchell Report should be treated with more scrutiny. But as for players such as Clemens and Barry Bonds, whose careers are all but over, or for players such as Mark McGwire who are already retired, I do not believe that steroid suspicions or convictions should interfere with Hall of Fame eligibility. It is true that there is a character clause in the baseball Hall of Fame criteria, however this clearly doesn't mean much if Ty Cobb, one of the largest assholes to ever walk the earth, a dirty player and severe racist, is in the Hall, a post he surely deserves as one of the greatest players ever. Perhaps players such as McGwire, Bonds, and Clemens should be let in with it being noted that they were steroid users (as I feel Pete Rose should be allowed in with it noted that he illegally bet on games). But to exclude them entirely is foolish and simply the product of self-righteous baseball writers who certainly can be accused of severe partiality and cronyism (see Mazeroski, Bill) which would completely destroy the ideals that voting is supposed to be completely impartial.

Daily SAll-Star

Quickly: Who is the craziest athlete this side of Mike Tyson?

The answer: today's All-Star, Ron Artest

Artest is a very good basketball player: he has a wide-range of offensive skills and is a first class defender. But what Artest is most known for is being certifiably insane. Of course we all know about Artest's incident at Detroit (which also included the nearly equally as crazy, Stephen Jackson), but the crazy doesn't end there.

In short, there are few who can touch Mr. Artest as a personality in the sports world. And for that, we salute you, Ron.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Daily SAll-Star: Rico Brogna

Hello, ladies.

It's me, Rico. Rico Brogna. You remember me, don't you, my little chickadees? Of course you do. Who could forget Sexy Rico?

Ain't never been a two-sport athlete like the Brogna, baby. I was recruited to play quarterback for the Clemson Tigers back in the late 80's. They play in the ACC, Sharon.

But I turned them down like every ugly chick that ever wanted to try the Brogna Balogna. I said sorry, babe, but the Brogna had himself a date with the Detroit Tigers of the Major League Baseballs. Perhaps you've noticed I like tigers. Rawr, says the Brogna.

Hey, Meredith, come feel my flexed bicep. Did I ever tell you that I deflowered Coors Field? Yeah, plenty of guys like to brag about how they were some girl's first, but did they ever pop an entire stadium's cherry like the Brogna did? Say, Meredith, why don't we go back to my hotel room?

Don't let anyone convince you that the Brogna wasn't the best players in baseballs during his career. I had 655 strikeouts and 106 home runs in nine years. You think that ratio is easy? The Brogna had so much ass waiting for him in the clubhouse that he simply had to end his plate appearances quickly. The manager always saw it Rico's way.

Did I tell you the story about my spinal arthritis, Gertrude? It's really sexy. You see, just as Brognamania was starting to sweep the globe, I got hit with a mad nasty case of ankylosing spondylitis. It means my balls were so huge that they bent my back.

So I retired. But all was not lost. The Brogna Balogna is still in fine form, ladies.

Once you go Brogna, you never go back.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

An Uber-Awesome Daily SAll-Star


To celebrate today's All-Star is the incomparable Christian Bale.

There is nobody who can deny Christian Bale's greatness. NOBODY!

Bale, at the very tender age of only 33 (very young in actor years), has already been in great movies such as Empire of the Sun, Treasure Island, Shaft (not really great...but certainly momentous), Equilibrium (confusing as hell and poorly acted, other than Bale of course, but led to the kick-ass action scene below), The Machinist, Batman Begins, The Prestige, Harsh Times, Rescue Dawn, 3:10 to Yuma, and one of the greatest movies ever: American Psycho

In addition, he played the legendary Bob Dylan in the upcoming I'm Not There, and he's filming the next Batman movie, the Dark Knight, and he's been signed to play John Connor in the newest Terminator film...good lord that is awesome.

Basically Christian Bale rocks your socks off. Shame you can't be him. But it's something to aspire to.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Sorry, Roger, I Don't Give a Shit

Roger Clemens wanted to deny recent allegations of his steroid and Human Growth Hormone use but his massive ass was so weighed down by anabolic horse tranquilizers that he just sent his agent instead.

There are a number of people who feel that the revelation of Clemens' cheating is the biggest black eye on baseball to come out of the Mitchell Report. Many even believe that this is the most disappointing news since Pete Rose bet on the Reds.

I, for one, don't really care. Maybe I'm blindly married to baseball, and I'll never let controversy dim my opinion of its beauty; I think most hardcore fans feel the same way.

But far more importantly, Roger Clemens just isn't news anymore. Again, perhaps my objectivity is subject to question, but I believe Rocket signed away his legacy after the 2003 season.

Consider this: Clemens recorded his 300th win and 4,000th strikeout in the same game of the '03 season. He was given a standing ovation at Fenway in the last Red Sox-Yankees game of the year. Joe Torre even let him manage the last game of the regular season. Follow that with an American League pennant over Boston and you have a truly magical ending to a first-ballot Hall of Fame career.

But no. Clemens was selfish. He was arrogant. He fell in love with hearing his own name. So he un-retired...three times. He pitched four meaningless seasons, won 44 extra meaningless games, and recorded 573 more meaningless strikeouts.

Your place in history had been established already, Roger. You got to 300. You got to 4,000. 354 doesn't mean shit. 4,600 doesn't mean shit. You could have called it a career like you said you would and gone out on top. But you demanded attention and praise, so you kept coming back, not noticing that the laudatory press dwindled with each unnecessary season you pitched.

And now you've been revealed as a cheater and you think it's necessary to fight the charges publicly. You think you're still important, that your image and reputation still matter to us. You're wrong. They don't.

You could have been immortal. You could have had the kind of ageless glory you have so desperately sought for the past four years. But instead, you're an overweight, geriatric cheater. So do us all a favor and don't bother trying to win back our respect by denying the steroid allegations. You had your chance. Nobody is listening, Roger. Nobody cares.


this great picture comes from the Onion by way of Greg "the Franchise" Carter

Daily SAll-Star: Chris Weinke

Today's SAll-Star holds numerous prestigious passing records in the ACC, but his most cherished accomplishment by far was made manifest just last week: On December 7th, 2007, former Florida State quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke reached the nigh-impossible milestone of Oldest Person Ever.

Weinke, aged 137, was reportedly ecstatic about his sole possession of the new record but was unable to comment due to a lack of teeth and bowels.

"I have to remove shit from my father's small intestine by hand at least six times an hour," said Postlewaite Offenbach Weinke, his 94-year-old son. "My forearms have smelt exclusively of corn and limburger tapioca for almost twenty years."

Weinke shatters the previous record of 122 years by the late Jeanne Calment of France, who in a postmortem interview with Dick Schaap said, "Fuck that old motherfucker. I'm French." She then added, "Oui oui, HONH HONH HONH," before terminating the interview.

Perhaps the second-most notable of Weinke's accomplishments was his stunning Heisman Trophy-winning season for the Free Shoes University Seminoles, which he achieved at the tender young age of 114. Weinke's dazzling accuracy and intoxicating body odor stymied defenses, setting the stage for Weinke's epic midfield bowel movement against in-state rival Miami in the final week of the season. The Heisman voters, nauseated beyond comprehension, awarded Weinke the coveted Heisman Trophy two weeks later.

"HUuuuuuUuuuuUUuUuuUUuUUUUuuuh, I love balogna on rye," Weinke said in his acceptance speech.

Postlewaite Weinke attributes his father's long life to the generous eight-figure salary provided by FSU CEO Bobby Bowden, himself 121 years old, during Weinke's 72-year tenure at Free Shoes.

"Yes, the money was certainly beneficial to my dad in college," the younger Weinke said, "But I'd like to take a little credit for shoveling his feces out of his vital organs for two decades. Not to sound selfish or anything."

Monday, December 17, 2007

My Life Has No More Meaning

I finally found the greatest thing ever...but now my life has no more meaning because there can be nothing greater than this.

This makes me like ARod a lot more

I never really disliked ARod other than for the fact that he was a tool who cared too much about what others thought of him, which I, along with others, lambasted him for many-a-season, although perhaps unfairly; there is, after all, an absurd amount of pressure associated with a $250 million contract. Rodriguez, without a doubt, is the best player in the game today. He is a five-tool player at a premium defensive position (either 3rd base or SS, although it would be difficult for him to make the transition back). And now he finally seems to stop listening to everyone else and just worrying about himself. The less he talks to Scott Boras, the better.

best headline of the day

usually there is some subtlety or it's just an unfortunate mistake with funny headlines

not this one

Daily SAll-WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!-Star


Today's All-Star is none other than the Nature Boy, Ric Flair! WOOO!!!

An unprecedented combination of in-ring skill and charisma, Flair is a legend in the sports entertainment world. There are few who could claim to be more prolific or influential in the multi-billion dollar industry. Called the Nature Boy (after his mentor, Buddy Rogers) and the Dirtiest Player in the Game, Flair is so beloved in his hometown of Charlotte, NC, that he could sacrifice a baby and still be elected mayor.

Flair began wrestling in 1972. His career was nearly ended when, 1975, he was involved in a plane crash that broke his back in 3 places, meaning the 26 year old would never wrestle again. Or so they thought. Not only did Flair wrestle again, but he is still wrestling at age 58. Flair is a 3 time tag-team champ, 5 time US champ, 1 time Intercontinental champ, and a record 16 time world champ.

Ric Flair is the "limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheelin'-dealin' son of a gun." WOOO!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Somebody's bitter...

Namely West Virginia and Ohio...the RichRod era is looking good already.

worst idea in a while

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

This is FOX's attempt at a television continuation of one of the greatest collection of films ever, the Terminator series (The Terminator and T2: Judgment Day are legendary films, the third film was also pretty good, though not up to the first two's standard). But one must ask: what good can possibly come of this? Even if we don't take into account the connections to the movies, this looks like a bad action series. But when you bring in a young girl stating "Come with me if you want to live," previously uttered by two greats, Michael Biehn and Arnold, well I'm sorry but I now hate you.

What made the Terminator series were the actors playing truly badass characters: Arnold, Biehn, Linda Hamilton, Robert Patrick. None of those names are associated with this new TV series. I just don't see how this can end well...why try to add to something that has already proven itself to be great?

Dolphins finally win

Coming into their game today against the Baltimore Ravens, the Miami Dolphins were 0-13 and had lost their last 16 games dating back to last season.

The Miami Dolphins suck.

And yet they beat the Baltimore Ravens. And for some reason Brian Billick is being guaranteed his job next the words of Charles Barkley: "That's turribull."

What the Future May Hold

I'm cautiously excited about this hire. Cautious because our personnel does not match Rodriguez's offense, but excited because of the legend-in-the-making that may follow Rich to Ann Arbor.

Terrelle Pryor is the runaway top recruit in the nation. Some say he is the most promising high school athlete in ten years. As of yesterday, his list of schools included Ohio State, widely considered his preferred program, and West Virginia, which operated his preferred offense. Now that Rodriguez is headed north, so too might Pryor.

I am pooping my pants with excitement over this development. Obviously, Ryan Mallett is totally incapable of running Rodriguez's offense, which Rich promised to Pryor would not change at his new post. The spread option is coming to Michigan Stadium, folks, and we need someone to command it.

But what this news tells me is that Rodriguez wants a championship at Michigan and he wants it yesterday. Pryor would be the best thing to happen to Michigan football since Tom Harmon. And the fact that Rodriguez called him first about his new job shows me a spectacular devotion to winning. I can't even express how impressed I am by that call. Even if Pryor doesn't join the Maize and Blue, we can look at Rich Rodriguez and say that he started working for Michigan five minutes after he got the job. He basically told Pryor: If you come with me to Michigan, I will give you the opportunity to redefine the most storied program in college football history. I want you to reinvent Michigan football.

Who couldn't pass that up?

Michigan: The West Virginia of the Slightly Further West

After a coaching search that left hundreds dead and thousands mutilated, Michigan finally has its man: West Virginia head coach Rich Rodriguez. This is the second time this year that the Wolverines have seen the departure of a nice yet stale coach and replaced him with a couch-burnin' Mountaineer.

Rodriguez has had great success at his alma mater, posting a 60-26 record and five Big East championships in seven seasons. He has won at least eight games in all but one season (his first), and in true Michigan fashion, he has a 2-3 bowl record.

Rodriguez is one of only two Hispanic coaches in Division I-A (the other is the Cubanly awesome Mario Cristobal of Florida International). He has a tenuous connection to Bo through former WVU head coach Don Nehlen, who served as QB coach at Bowling Green in 1955 while Bo was also on staff. So he doesn't really have any Michigan ties whatsoever.

Rodriguez became Salem University's head coach in 1988 at age 24, the youngest head coach in the NCAA. He took over Glenville State in 1990, where he earned three consecutive West Virginia Intercollegiate Athletic Conference titles and four overall. He was named the WVIAC Coach of the Year twice and the NAIA National Coach of the Year in 1993.

Rodriguez left for Tulane in 1997 to helm the Green Wave's offense. His ingenuity helped Tulane go undefeated in 1998. Rodriguez followed Tulane head coach Tommy Bowden to Clemson and served as his offensive coordinator for two years.

In 2001, Rodriguez replaced his old boss Nehlen as head coach of West Virginia. Nehlen's 21-year tenure at WVU was marked by inconsistency, reaching nine wins only five times. Rodriguez, widely credited as the inventor of the modern spread offense, overcame a 3-8 rookie season at West Virginia to reel off six consecutive seasons of eight or more wins, including two straight 11-win seasons and three straight ten-win seasons. He is 33-8 in the Big East since 2001. He was named the Big East Coach of the Year in 2002 and 2003. Rodriguez took West Virginia to four consecutive New Year's Day bowl games and back-to-back top-10 finishes, an accomplishment matched only by Pete Carroll of USC, and unmatched by Jim "Piss" Tressel of The Ohio State Penitentiary.

Daily SAll-Star: Michael Keaton

In honor of my impending death by blizzard, today's SAll-Star is a man who seems drawn to wintry roles: Mr. Michael Batman Beetlejuice Keaton.

Born Michael Douglas, Keaton decided that he was too manly to share a name with Gordon Gekko and renamed himself after Annie Hall star Diane Keaton. Because, as we all know, she represents everything that is manly in Hollywood.

After early box-office successes in the realm of comedy (Johnny Dangerously, Beetlejuice), director Tim Burton felt Keaton was capable of portraying the dark, brooding personality of Bruce Wayne as he appears in Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. Keaton's obsessive performance as Batman led to two of the finest superhero films ever made (certainly the two most adventurous in art direction). Then Joel Schumacher took over the franchise and took a big, steaming shit on it. Batman & Robin was so bad that Schumacher, a man who proudly gave us turds like 8mm and The Number 23, actually apologized for making it on the DVD commentary track.

But the most important reason for Keaton's selection today: Jack Frost. After witnessing a foot of snow descend violently upon me in about 18 hours, I realized that people really can turn into snowmen. Cheers to you, Mr. Keaton. You are the SAll-Star for December 16th.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Daily SAll-Star

Today's star? Lemmy, the song writer, lead singer, and bassist for legendary metal band Motorhead.

Why? Lemmy is a rock star...he's a severe alcoholic, he smokes 80 packs a day, he has reportedly bedded over 5000 women, is a noted acid-user, and is British. Known for his gravelly voice, hideous facial moles, and distinctive mutton-chops/handlebar mustache combo, Lemmy is an undeniable rock legend; the kind of guy who'd play a killer show, get hammered, snort some coke and have a 3-way with some groupies. Sidebar: he also deserves props for creating two of the best theme songs in wrestling history (the game for triple h and a line in the sand for evolution).

So, Lemmy, we salute you, because you, like Keith Richards before you, have lived life to the fullest...despite all odds.

Friday, December 14, 2007



Maybe We're Off the Hook

Appalachian State is murdering Delaware in the third quarter of the Football Championship Series (formerly I-AA) division championship game. Not to excuse Michigan's historic defeat or anything, but the Mountaineers are about to become three-peat national champs. Who decided Western Kentucky would move up a division and not these guys? If you gave App State a Sun Belt schedule, they'd win six games by forty points. This is a damn strong program.

P.S. Les Miles is still coming to Michigan. Stop with all the nonsense. It's a done deal. Don't tell me to let go. Fuck you.


It is clear at this point that Nick, who holds the beloved Michigan Wolverines to the highest of standards, as he should, will settle for nothing less than Les Miles. Now Les is clearly out of the question, fortunately there is someone, or rather something, better than Miles...Motherfucking Will Motherfucking Mus-motherfucking-champ Motherfucking McMotherfuckington

Concerning David Eckstein, Piece of Shit

Ben touched on this quite eloquently, but allow me to provide the more distasteful analysis of David Eckstein's horseshit new contract with the Purple Chickens.

Fuck you, David Eckstein. Fuck you and your stupid face. I hate you.

God, you suck, Eckstein. I swear whenever I watch you at the plate I think I'm watching a Little League game. And you're the one mandatory retarded kid who gets an at-bat every once in a while but only manages to shit himself and cry when the ball gets too close to his already-disfigured face. I would say you suck dick, but that would be a tremendous insult to men who suck dicks.

You're terrible. You're so fucking bad at baseball it hurts my testicles every time I realize you're in the Major Leagues. Don't you know how fucking stupid you look when you choke up on the bat halfway to the fucking trademark? Hey, douchebag, here's a newsflash: it doesn't work. You still suck gas nozzles.

You know what else? You're small and ugly. If I met you I would break your ugly nose and make you cry your dirty little midget tears. Why don't you own a computer, Eckstein? More importantly, why are you proud of the fact that you don't own a computer? Is it because you're embarrassed that you masturbate furiously whenever you are within five hundred yards of electricity?

Who the fuck do you think you are, making $4.5 million dollars to play baseball? I've never heard of such injustice! It makes less sense than appointing Danny Almonte chief of the INS.

Eat shit and die, Eckstein. I hope a rhinoceros fucks you to death.

Crazypants McGillicutty

At this point I trust ESPN's college football coverage about as much as I trust Elton John with my penis, but word on the street is that Rich Rodriguez, head coach of West Virginia and recent underachiever, has been in super-secret meetings with Sir Bumblefuck Bill Martin and The Mary Sue Terminator.

Now, factually, there is no news to report. This whole story is a bunch of unverified shenanigans. But we were introduced to a poor sap named Ed Pastilong, athletic director at WVU. The man is clueless to the situation ("Pastilong said he was unaware Rodriguez, who has a hefty buyout clause in his contract, was in Toledo") and could be on the brink of losing two of his coaches to Michigan in the same calendar year. Couches beware.

As for this potential hire by our beloved Wolverines, I must say it seems like they are trying to find Low-Carb Les. Rodriguez built the West Virginia football program from inbred hicks and spare sphincters and can claim every last inch of its success for himself. He is a winner whose National Championship hopes have been dashed year after year (although, until this year, he was more a victim of unfortunate circumstances than an Art Shell fuck-up. But this excuse.)

As great as Double-R's track record is, he would get demolished in the Big Ten, which obviously tells you I am not so thrilled by this development. Think about the tremendous offensive success that WVU has found under Rodriguez. They run the ball at will, even against the most talented defenses. Now think about replacing Pat White with Ryan Mallett and see how that scheme plays out. Does it still work? Are you off the crack pipe?

Look, Rodriguez has done well for himself and I'm happy. He's right where he belongs. But he can't close, he can't coach a Big Ten offense, and he can't keep his players out of prison. This man sent Pac-Man Jones and Chris Henry to the NFL. Until they got, you know, suspended and fined for getting tossed in the slammer.

The point is that Michigan blew its chance with Les Miles, a fiery caveman of a coach, and they went looking for the next-best attitude instead of the next-best coach. There is nothing, abso-fucking-lutely nothing about Rich Rodriguez that says "Michigan" to me. Except for the fact that he wouldn't have to change his wardrobe.

David Eckstein sucks ass

David Eckstein is the most overrated player in baseball. A player who gets by on speed (though he's not really that fast), small ball (though he doesn't draw a walk), and hustle (does have plenty of that...kudos). But while he adds character, hustle, effort, etc. he just sucks. His has terrible range at short and is much better suited to be a second basemen (although he'd only be average at that). He is often banged up (he missed 45 games last years). If he'd qualified, he would
have ranked 143rd in SLG% and 131st in OPS (keep in mind there were only 162 qualifying players, and most of those below Eckstein provide some skill, usually defense, which again Eckstein doesn't). But general managers, journalists, and fans become enamored with his hustle (read: he's short and untalented).

And now the Blue Jays are going to pay him $4.5 million to suck ass...he sucked in the very weak NL Central, imagine what'll happen if he has to play in the same division as the Redsox and Yankees. Keith Law, my favorite baseball writer, explains it better.

The DBacks are the NL favorites for next season

The Arizona Diamondbacks, run by my hero, Josh Byrnes, completed two trades today that improved their NL West winning team, making them the early favorites in the NL for the World Series. The first trade netted the DBacks starting right-handed pitcher Dan Haren and right-handed relief prospect Connor Robertson from the Athletics for a collection of 6 prospects of various repute. The second trade, completed with the Astros, garnered for the DBacks relievers Chad Qualls and Juan Gutierrez and infielder Chris Burke for last year's closer Jose Valverde.

In the Oakland deal, the DBacks acquired an ace-caliber pitcher in Haren, an All-Star last year. He joins the absolutely stellar Brandon Webb to form one of the best 1-2 punches in the addition Doug Davis and Livan Hernandez for very good back of the rotation starters especially in the National League. If Randy Johnson returns as expected and performs to a level even 75% of his prime the DBacks have a great looking rotation. In return, the A's received an assortment of prospects. No names jump out as great, however they all have decent to good potential, and knowing Billy Beane's track record, at least one will end up being useful, even if they end up being traded for someone else.

In the Astros deal, the Astros replaced their closer in addition to cutting $1.5 million in salary at the position, added bullpen depth, and acquired a good utility player to bolster their depth. While Valverde is certainly a good pitcher, Qualls is of comparable quality. Gutierrez adds another arm to the bullpen mix. And Burke is a versatile fielder who can run...does that remind you of any other player who recently changed National League Teams? Perchance Kaz Matsui? Matsui is a slightly better version of Burke, which is not a bad thing except that the Astros recently signed a decent at best player to a 3 year, $16.5 million contract...terrible. Astros general manager Ed Wade is a moron. He signed a copy of a player he already had to a absurd contract. He traded away closer Brad Lidge, who was inconsistent yes, but still one of the best relievers in the NL over the last 5 years for an average 3b prospect (later traded to the Orioles for the aging Miguel Tejada, now a noted steroid user) and a 4th outfielder, Michael Bourn. And then he tried to cover that up by trading away three players for a good pitcher (although one of players he traded was essentially the same with a smaller salary) who collected a lot of saves (an overrated stat that relies as much on opportunity as skill).

Anyway, point of this article, the Diamondbacks are my early pick for NL champs.

Kangaroo Balls

Found this link on With Leather.

30 Rock is one of the better television shows out there

"Why?" you may ask. Well as a member of NBC's loaded Thursday gauntlet of funny television programming you'd think they wouldn't be able to pay homage to a website that has surprised many a student aiming to use a computer for research (games and porn) only to be greeted with old, gay men doing their thing but 30 Rock came through in the clutch.

Daily Fucking SAll-Star: Ed Fucking Harris

Ed Fucking Harris is a critically fucking acclaimed actor, appearing in many fucking films such as Pollock, Apollo Fucking 13, The Firm, A Beautiful Fucking Mind, and, of course, Fucking Glengarry Glen Fucking Ross Fuck. This fucking clip shows Ed Fucking Harris doing what the fuck he does best. Congratulations, cocksucker. You've just been named the Daily Fucking SAll-Star for December 14th.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Shaquille O'Neal's Top 5 movies of all time

Yes, yes. I realize that this should be its own book, but I'll attempt to narrow it down here.

Without further ado...

5) Freddy Got Fingered- Never actually seen it. Not sure how well known a fact this was: but Shaq, unfortunately, has not been in that many movie. However, I have heard of this movie so it's the de facto #5. Congrats, Tom Green. You slide by. Again.

4) Scary Movie 4- This was actually an ok movie. Stupid humor 'n such. Unfortunately Shaq only had about 5 minutes of screen time and he shared it with Dr. Phil, but it was golden while it lasted.

3) Kazaam- Shaq plays a rapping genie. Quite frankly, I shouldn't have to say any more. Well I will. Yes it is currently rated as #45 on the bottom 100 films of all time, but don't let that fool you, it is a non-stop cavalcade of laughs. In fact, there is one moment in the film where Kazaam (Shaq's genie case that was unclear) is arguing with a compatriot, and so Shaq becomes fed up with said friend, balls him up like a basketball (for a few reasons such as playing basketball is his primary skill when not acting and he's a genie so he can do so without actually damaging the integrity of his friend's bone structure), and dunks him into an air duct! Ha! Hilarious!

2) Steel- A comic book adaptation, Steel follows Shaq's character, a retired military weapons developer, who returns to his hometown and decides to fight crime with a big hammer and steel armor (hence the name of the movie, creative genius) that he fashions himself in Uncle Joe's (not so creative) junkyard. Heart-pounding, non-stop action.

1) Blue Chips- Shaq stars along with Nick Nolte and Penny Hardaway. Go watch it now!

more dicking around

from one of the world's greatest television shows, American Gladiators...which is triumphantly making its return in January to NBC hosted by the great Hulk Hogan

because i can!

no final tomorrow...time for me to dick around

mitchell report: the culmination of a witch hunt

So the Mitchell Report was released today. It included some surprising names (Brian Roberts), some not so surprising names (Barry Bonds), some humorous names (Maurice Vaughn), and some El Guapo names (Rich Garces)...

I have a few thoughts:

1) While I do not approve of steroid use, I feel like this was a ridiculous endeavor in that Congress should never have gotten involved in. Doesn't our federal government have more important things to worry about than baseball? I always thought things like war, healthcare, and social security were more important than a game.

2) This list of players, while expansive, tells me one thing: steroids make you stronger and heal faster...they can't help you hit a curveball or have a backdoor slider hit its spot. More than half the players on the list were, at one point or another in their careers (often for their entire career) straight up terrible. Manny Alexander? Wilson Delgado? Felix Heredia, Jr.? Ismael Valdez? Yes, those are the superstars of the game who cheated and should be banished...steroids help your margin of error; they don't give you skill...hell otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be shooting up and playing leftfield for the Pirates (not sure why I put myself on the worst team in the majors...)

3) This report was flawed. ESPN's Howard Bryant can do a better job of articulating than I can.

Report: Raul Mondesi Took Steroids, Sucked Anyway

Today's the day that the Big Shiny Mitchell Report officially sees the light of day, but those scrappy, upstart young punks at WNBC in New York have leaked the list. However, about an hour ago, MLB forced them to take it down, citing "party-pooping" as the main offense. With Leather still has the list available on their site. If you're truly bold and you just can't get enough legal paperwork in your life, peep the authorized 400-page PDF by The Mitchburger himself.

Daily SAll-Star

In honor of my recently (as of about an hour ago) finished philosophy exam, our all-star today is Rene Descartes, French philosopher and mathematician. Dubbed, by some, as fathering not only modern philosophy but also modern mathematics, Descartes was the metaphorical Travis Henry of his day. He was also a literal, albeit milder, version of Sir Henry, as he fathered a bastard child with a young servant girl. With such great ideas as cogito, egro sum and the Cartesian coordinate system, Descartes took intellectualism to then next level...making it cool to be a 17th century Frenchman with a Ultimate Warrior haircut (no word yet on if he wore the face paint but i like to think he did).

Late Night YouTube

Just for fun, here's Earl Weaver and an umpire exchanging fuck-you's sometime during the 80's.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

and now i cry...

good bye, miggy

the baltimore orioles, unfortunately the squad that i support with great fervor, today traded the only "star" they've had since the retirement of venerable baseball god, cal ripken jr., when they traded miguel tejada to the houston astros for 5 players

all i say is that it's about fucking time

tejada, while still a good player, is no longer a franchise player...his production has declined since he first signed with the orioles and he's just not good enough any more to be paid $13 million a year (which the astros now have the pleasure of doing)...he was never a patient hitter, and as he gets older this will only hurt him more...his slg% dropped down .442 this past year, almost 60 points below 2006...his range at short has declined to the point that he's average at best and will probably be moved to addition, it must be noted that all those consecutive games played (1152, the 5th longest streak in big league history) have probably taken their toll...the reason cal could handle it and miggy couldnt is simple: cal was a gigantic 6'4" and 225lbs, miggy stands at only 5'9" and 210lbs...that being said, he still has a good bat, and will certainly receive a statistical boost playing in the worst division in the inferior national league and instantly upgrades the astros paltry lineup

this trade was actually a decent one for the orioles...luke scott is a decent player: a good 3rd or 4th outfielder with some power in his bat and a versatile glove capable of playing all 3 outfield positions, and while he's probably better suited for part-time duty, he will immediately be asked to contribute on a regular basis in some capacity...matt albers is an average-to-good pitching prospect, which the orioles have an abundance of, who doesnt walk many, but also doesnt strike many out, he has gotten a lot better the last couple of years, a positive trend considering how many of the orioles pitching prospects seem to hit a wall and plateau...troy patton seems to be the top prospect of the deal, he has good stuff and decent only 22 but should immediately compete for a roster spot in spring training, though he'll likely be sent either to AAA norfolk or AA bowie for some more seasoning...Dennis Sarfate seems to be an afterthought and throw-in, a spot-starter/long-reliever type who has minimal big league experience; still, he likely will be given a chance to prove himself given the orioles overall shittiness...michael costanzo, besides possibly being related to argentine goalkeeper franco costanzo, is a very good prospect coming from the phillies system (he was acquired in the brad lidge trade) who has a very good power bat and is likely the orioles 3rd basemen of the future (or even the present) which does the orioles many favors: namely it allows billy rowell, arguably the orioles best position prospect to move to first base and focus more on hitting, and it allows the orioles to move melvin mora to a bench position instead of having him continue to eat up space on the field

in general, this worked out about as well as the orioles could have hoped...especially considering they blew it two years ago by not trading tejada to the angels for ervin santana and either erick aybar or brandon wood...this gets an aging star off the books with a pretty good return and frees up money to help sign erik bedard to an extension or to sign an impact free agent next offseason

Ben is Dead

Wow. I know Miguel Tejada isn't the elite superstar shortstop that he was three years ago, but was this really the best they could get for him? Of the two position players acquired, only the 29-year-old rookie has Major League experience and he sucks. Of the pitchers sent to the Orioles, only this douchebag has more than 17 career innings pitched. Dennis Sarfate gets some points for being from Queens and having a face made of meat, but alas, he's still terrible. Speaking of faces, young Troy Patton doesn't seem to have one. Although judging from the buffet of shit presented to the O's, he seems to have the most promising future. The 22-year-old's best start came September 1st against the Cubs in which he lasted six innings, struck out three, and gave up three runs (all earned) in a 4-3 loss. He gave up five earned runs over 12.2 innings for the entirety of his Major League season.

If Patton can blossom into a top-five rotation man, then this deal might not be the worst of all time. But the other four are clearly wire waivers included for salary purposes only, unless this catching prospect turns out to be a success. Although if the Astros included him in this trade well aware that Brad Ausmus was 67 years old, I don't think they would have let him slip away.

My condolences, Benjamin.

this is me, procrastinating

it's finals week and i really, really don't want to study at all

so instead i'll post this:

which comes from this list of farts caught on camera


Daily SAll-Star: Dexter Jackson

Dexter Jackson has muscles. Big ones.

I simply hate what bodybuilding has become (somebody needs to shut up when he poses). If you've ever seen Pumping Iron, then you know what a championship physique used to look like. It demanded symmetry over size, discipline over doping. But today when you look at the Mr. Olympia competitors you see inhuman freaks. When I see Ronnie Coleman or The Violently Overcooked Jay Cutler, I simply don't know what I'm looking at. They're not humans, that's for sure. Each man's off-season weight is 320 pounds. These dudes are 5-9! How can you justify that sheer mass? Arnold, listed at six-foot-two, weighed 240 pounds at his absolute heaviest. He had four inches on these men yet gave up eighty pounds. Part of the judging process of a bodybuilding competition should be the question, "Is this the body that a normal many would envy?" In Arnold and Dexter's case, absolutely. But, in all honesty, who wants to look like this? Cutler is a microwaved dickless freak.

Fortunately, Dexter Jackson is a throwback. He is short (although not Franco short) and comparatively slim standing next to his cattle-sized competition. His nickname, "The Blade," comes from his meticulously defined abs. It's no surprise that Dexter is a two-time winner of the Arnold Classic, which claims to retain "classic" judging criteria.

Though he's not an "athlete" in the typical sense of the word, Dexter Jackson is today's SAll-Star for looking like a man in a world of hot air balloons.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

the legend continues!

kentucky may finally get shawn kemp to attend and only 20 years late!

The Official Les Miles to Michigan Theme Song

It's dead, Jim.

Hi, I'm Bobby Petrino and I'm a Big Wet Turd

The following was recorded from Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank's office phone on Tuesday, December 11th, 2007.

"Hi, Art. It's Bobby. Bobby Petrino, your head coach."
"Oh, hi, Bobby, what can I do for you?"
"Well, Art, my star quarterback was just sentenced to 23 months in federal prison. I'm sure you heard about it."
"Yes, Bobby, I did. Mike and I were very close before this ordeal began. It's been a public relations nightmare for the organization."
"And my current starting quarterback is Joey Harrington. You probably knew that, too."
"Yes, of course."
"Art, I'm sure you're also aware that this team is 3-10 and only getting worse, right?"
"Well, I don't know if I would say that, Bobby. I trust you to turn this franchise around within two or three years."
"Say, Art, do you remember when you gave me $24 million?"
"Yes, of course I do, Bobby. I paid you with my own money."
"And do you remember my qualifications for this job?"
"I certainly do, because the list was about one item long. You led a spectacular offense at a midcard school and experienced moderate success before I threw wads of cash at you. Why do you ask?"
"Well, you see, Art, the Falcons suck. I mean they really suck balls. This is a bad team. And, shucks, I'm a pretty fucking bad coach. I was absurdly overhyped for an NFL head coaching position. Also, my balls itch."
"Bobby, what are you saying?"
"What I'm saying, Art, is that the University of Arkansas just called me. Now I don't know if you've heard of it, but it has a reputation for ridiculous expectations with minimal talent. Somehow, they consider me the man most capable of satiating their ludicrous desires. I noticed your mouth was open. It's crazy, I know! I mean, here you have me, Coach Bobby P., a man who never should have left his cushy post at a school where nobody gives a shit about the football team. I took a job that I didn't deserve and I got a bum deal with my star player. So I'm just doing what any man would do: jumping ship like a total pussy. The funniest part is that I'm bound to be a spectacular failure wherever I go! Especially the SEC!"
"You're speechless. I understand. You've been good to me, Art. Way too good. I probably deserve to be paid in parking tickets. But you didn't. You actually gave me money. And for that, fuck you, Art. Fuck you fifty times."

daily sall-star

three words: scotty. 2. hotty.

there are few men in this word better than scotty 2 hotty...the hair, the dancing, the worm, the tag team all adds up to the pride of westbrook, maine

Monday, December 10, 2007

a great submission from one christopher basil

just when you thought the nationals were smart...

...this happens.

The nationals pulled of a coup earlier this offseason when they traded a ham sandwich and a six pack of new coke for the world's greatest baseball-playing butler...but then they went and signed the 35 year old paul lo duca, who was let go by the mets and replaced by the aforementioned ham sandwich...

in the words of the immortal charles barkley "that's just turrible..."

Sweet Mother of God No

The rational part of me, the part that thought the University of Michigan was full of intelligent and rational people, is being beaten to death by a gigantic purple rubber penis because we actually have to take this man seriously.

The very best coach in the MAC, would still not be, in my opinion, nearly qualified enough to have his name mentioned as a candidate for the Michigan head coaching job. I wouldn't even give the Michigan basketball team to a MAC coach.

It's not even annoying or frustrating. It's terrifying. It frightens the shit out of my beloved sweatpants to think that Mike DeBord and Brady Hoke are SERIOUS CONTENDERS to coach MY football team.

It would be like following a 2008 Presidential race between Al Gore and Arnold Schwarzenegger only to find that the supposedly rational citizens of the United States had instead elected Carrot Top.

This is the glaring fact of the situation, not just my opinion: Brady Hoke is fourteen games under .500 at a MAC school and our university has him on a list of men whom they believe can beat Jim Tressel. No. Fuck no.

mike vick

what vick did was clearly wrong...but honestly, did we expect anything else from him? he's related to marcus vick! the same marcus vick who had issues concerning sexual misconduct with a minor and once was caught on national television maliciously stomping on the great elvis dumervil whilst dumervil was on the ground...let us also not forget that mike once got caught trying to smuggle weed on to an airplane in a water bottle, which is stupid on so many levels (namely...mike, you signed the 3rd richest contract in football really cant afford to get some more weed when you land?)

but whatever...

on a lighter note, it has been a while since i shared this:

Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Jean Valjean Sentenced

The NFL's premier direct-snap running back got tossed in the slammer today for 23 months.

While I believe that hard jail time is a bit excessive for killing some ugly, unwanted dogs, Vick showed bizarre cruelty in their executions. Hopefully, his sentencing will teach the young kiddies out there a lesson: If you murder dogs, don't get caught. Because it makes people angry.

Daily SAll-Star: Rick Rossovich! YES!

Today's SAll-Star might be a little too awesome for this list. Haven't heard of Rick Rossovich? You're not alone. But haven't seen Rick Rossovich? Unlikely. This dude has stealthily made his way
into thirty films for the past twenty years, including some of the most ass-kicking adventures of all time. He played Charlie Sheen's partner in Navy SEALS, studly firefighter Chris McCornell in Roxanne, Slider in Top Gun, and most importantly, Matt!

You remember Matt, don't you? From The Terminator? Oh, sure, he died. He got his ass absolutely handed to him while his bitch girlfriend was making a sandwich. But at no point was he frightened. He is the only character in the three Terminator films to threaten to bust Arnold up, man.

In a stunning display of unstoppable badassery, The Rickmobile also has the good fortune of Italian and Croatian heritage. You don't even have to ask Ben why this matters to me. Perché sapete che un uomo italiano e croaziano è un uomo come io.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Daily SAll-Star

today's all-star is tim tebow, "qb", florida gators

tebow became the first underclassman to win the coveted heisman trophy and congratulations are in order for him...he put together a stellar season with 29 passing tds and 22 rushing tds leading the gators to a very respectable 9-3 record and a #9 ranking in the AP poll...while i think the award should have gone to the incredible darren mcfadden of arkansas, tebow certainly played well enough to garner much of the praise he is receiving

but the real reason that tebow is our all-star is that tim tebow should not be good...he's not particularly big or strong...he's not that great a quarterback in a classic sense of a dropback passer...but he's not really fast or shifty enough to be considered a true scrambler like west virginia's pat white...tebow just gets the ball and makes it work somehow...this works in college, but will not succeed at the pro level, simply because everyone there is too good of an athlete to be caught out of position on the plays tebow makes to be successful

however that is not to say that tebow has no pro career ahead of fact, i'm very excited for the impending draft day where tebow is selected in the 6th round as an h-back/full back type of player...he's big and smart enough to be a decent backfield blocker...he's fast and strong enough to be a good short yardage runner...he's shifty enough to be able to catch swing passes and make a guy or two miss for good the trick play possibilities are endless with him

and so that is why tebow is our all-star for today

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Mahalo, Sir!

Extraordinarily awesome news from Navy HQ: their search for a new head coach is over after approximately sixteen minutes. 42-year-old Ken Niumatalolo, the Midshipmen's assistant head coach and offensive line coach for the past six seasons is taking over for the departing Paul Johnson. Niumatalolo is the first Polynesian head coach in the NCAA.

I was briefly saddened yesterday by Johnson's departure because of the uncertainty it left us with Navy's offense. We assumed they would continue to run the triple option in his absence but we weren't sure it would feel the same.

Now, I think it's safe to say that Navy (somehow) just got even more awesome.

The best part about this hire is that starting quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada is returning to the team next fall. I can only gleefully imagine a nationally televised Navy game in which Brent Musberger feebly attempts to report on the action.

"Kaheaku-Enhada looks to the sidelines for the next play, Niumatalolo sends it in. Boy, Kaipo-Noa has looked pretty quick out there today folks. Coach Niumatalolo has got to be pleased with Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada's performace todOH GOD IT HURTS!!!"

Bob Griese is covered in brains.

Your NBA Champion...

...will once again be the san antonio spurs...there is no doubt in my mind and this just proves it: Utah vs. San Antonio Recap

the spurs beat a very good jazz team, a team that made the playoffs a year ago in the superior conference and have gotten better with the renaissance of AK-47 and his swinger wife...but here's the thing...they did it without tim duncan...duncan is unquestionably one of the best players of the last 20 years and arguably is the best power forward ever; he's already won 4 championships and as long as he, gregg popovich, and rc buford are in san antonio they'll win at least a couple more but once again the spurs are going unnoticed and will be until in june when they raise yet another championship trophy

the big stories in the nba this year have been the emergence of the magic as a powerhouse, jason kidd and lebron averaging close to a triple double a night, and stellar play of big three and the celtics...and while all these certainly deserve the attention they're getting...the players involved will tell you that none of it will matter when the top dog of the nba in SA brings home another championship (we might also be talking about a potential sixth championship in a row if it werent for derek fisher getting an assist from the good Lord himself in 2004 and manu's stupid foul in 2006...but that is heavy speculation...but this is half my blog so i can whatever i want)

the 4 biggest threats to the spurs would have to be phoenix, orlando, and boston...phoenix has been real good since steve nash came over but the one knock on them is and always has been that they dont play defense...this has not changed...nash, while he gives great effort, isnt a good defensive play and he cant guard tony parker for too long...amare? terrible defensive player who gets away with freakish a whole there is no way that the suns can get the defensive effort they need to beat a team that is not only offensively but defensively efficient as the spurs we've seen this already a couple times...come playoff time it always is the spurs coming out on top

orlando is a real good team that i like a lot (even if they wildly overpaid for rashard lewis, a personal favorite of mine)...they have one true stud (dwight howard) and a cast of great supporting players...jameer nelson plays the point o-so-very-well and runs their offense well, lewis and hedo turkoglu are good shooters, etc...but can they beat the spurs? howard is good but not yet duncan...and the rest of the team simply arent as good as the rest of the spurs

the celtics are getting the most hype of any team out there (although as folks are wondering if they can better the 72-10 of the '95-'96 should be noted that the spurs have one less loss)...their big 3 is a great combo, no doubt, and they have steam-rolled the competition thus far but there are a couple of things that dont bode well for them...1) their coach is doc rivers...the man is one of the most incompetent coaches in the league...on the other hand the spurs have popovich, who is a hall-of-fame caliber coach and his career achievements have only been surpassed by phil jackson and pat reily amonst active coaches...2) they are playing the big 3 a buttload of minutes so far...part of the reason the big 3 is working so well together is that they're grizzled vets who are willing to sacrifice personal glory for the chance to win...unfortunately grizzled vet-hood means you're battlehardened and why are these guys playing as many minutes as they are? all 3 are playing over 35 minutes in a game...which is fine late in the season...but this early is contrast not a single spur is playing over 35 per game and manu ginobili, one of the spurs' big 3, isnt even playing 30 a game...the minutes will add up...3) other than the big three...who do the celtics have? i see a total of only 7 useful players on the celtics (the big 3, rajon rondo, eddie house, kendrick perkins, and james posey)...these numbers may increase as some veterans will be released from their contracts and picked up later in the season, but until that time 7 is not enough to get by...we've seen it fail before for playoff teams such as detroit and phoenix...the spurs have 10 useful players (all their roster save for darius washington and ian mahinimi, who simply dont get enough minutes to contribute much) if the spurs and celtics meet up in the finals you'd have duncan and garnett canceling each other out, bruce bowen nullifying ray allen, and you're left with paul pierce and some extra parts (reminiscent of the celtics recently) trying to out play tony parker, manu ginobili, and the rest of the spurs great bench...that doesnt look good