Ben touched on this quite eloquently, but allow me to provide the more distasteful analysis of David Eckstein's horseshit new contract with the Purple Chickens.
Fuck you, David Eckstein. Fuck you and your stupid face. I hate you.
God, you suck, Eckstein. I swear whenever I watch you at the plate I think I'm watching a Little League game. And you're the one mandatory retarded kid who gets an at-bat every once in a while but only manages to shit himself and cry when the ball gets too close to his already-disfigured face. I would say you suck dick, but that would be a tremendous insult to men who suck dicks.
You're terrible. You're so fucking bad at baseball it hurts my testicles every time I realize you're in the Major Leagues. Don't you know how fucking stupid you look when you choke up on the bat halfway to the fucking trademark? Hey, douchebag, here's a newsflash: it doesn't work. You still suck gas nozzles.
You know what else? You're small and ugly. If I met you I would break your ugly nose and make you cry your dirty little midget tears. Why don't you own a computer, Eckstein? More importantly, why are you proud of the fact that you don't own a computer? Is it because you're embarrassed that you masturbate furiously whenever you are within five hundred yards of electricity?
Who the fuck do you think you are, making $4.5 million dollars to play baseball? I've never heard of such injustice! It makes less sense than appointing Danny Almonte chief of the INS.
Eat shit and die, Eckstein. I hope a rhinoceros fucks you to death.
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