Friday, October 3, 2008

For Michigan Fans

The Wisconsin game has put me in the mode of Testicular Pain Nervousness. You know the kind.

Put the Cash Under the Mattress

I begrudgingly consider ESPN the preeminent source of sports news in my life. Its columnists are often boring or stupid, and its original programming sucks without exception, but it's always available, and it's always at least minimally informative thanks to the Bottom Line.

But I must start the slow clap for the Worldwide Leader today for this article, unsurprisingly written by a man who doesn't actually work for ESPN.

I don't study economics and I don't desire to begin doing so; with my father working in law and my sister working for an international bank, I've always felt somewhat clueless when it came to inflation and subprime mortgages and liquidity, but not in a shameful way. It's just not my area of expertise.

But now that the whole country's infrastructure seems to be in danger, I feel obligated to stay informed and yet totally helpless. That's why I like this article so much. It doesn't exactly make me feel better--the overall message seems to be that professional sports just as susceptible to the crisis as we all are--but if I know anything, it's sports. And the fact that Gare Joyce can shape our economic woes into a more palatable topic for people like me reinforces my blind faith in the resuscitation of this sputtering country.


Last night we were treated to another wondrous showing by Dave Wannstedt and his Magnificent 'Stache. Wannstedt's University of Pittsburgh Panthers defeated the #10 ranked University of South Florida Bulls in Tampa.

Needless to say this is great news for anyone who's a fan of the Wannstache. And after beating the last 3 nationally ranked teams it has faced, what other accomplishments can we expect from the Wannstache?

Well here's a brief list:

  • Climb Mt. Everest
  • Cure the common cold
  • Use the ol' noggin' (see illustration above)
  • Start a fight club (and talk about it)
  • Laugh heartily
  • Perfect its receipe for coq au vin
  • Fight a bear
  • Write the next great American novel
  • Organize and lead a civilian uprising in North Korea, overthrowing the oppressive regime of Kim Jong Il and establishing a new beacon of hope and peace in the world
  • Make a ham sandwich
  • Play bass guitar for a wildly popular thrash metal band
  • Finally finish that screenplay it's been working on since college
  • Receive a bid to a BCS Bowl Game
  • ...or not

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thanks, Nick

Today was a good day.

Also, it was windy.

Have a Good Day

It's really cold here

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Daily Induction into the Shawn Kemp Hall of Fame

Travis Henry was knocking on the door of this illustrious group...but now he's kicked it down.

Henry, a very talented athlete, already had the infamy of fathering at least 9 children by at least 9 women putting him on par with Mr. Kemp. But just yesterday, Henry was arrested for his involvement in a "multikilogram cocaine deal." Atta boy, way to make your mother proud.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Across the Nation

(You can read this in Wednesday's Michigan Daily.)

Considering the havoc wreaked upon the Associated Press poll’s Top 10 last week, any and every college football program in the country should watch its back. A handful of top teams suffered particularly excruciating conference opening losses and will likely abandon all thoughts of a conference title if they drop another contest this weekend.

Perhaps the most surprising upset of the weekend came on Thursday night on the campus of Oregon State University, where the Beavers shocked then-No. 1 Southern Cal. It was the third crippling upset in as many seasons for USC, who fell to Oregon State two years ago on the road and to 40-point underdog Stanford in Pasadena last season.

Meanwhile, in Gainesville, Florida entered Saturday’s game against lowly Mississippi fresh off a 30-6 beating of conference foe Tennessee. But reigning Heisman winner Tim Tebow could not penetrate the Rebels’ defensive line and the Gators were stunned, 31-30.

And No. 9 Wisconsin lost to some other Big Ten team about 400 miles to the east. You might have heard about it.

Those three disheartened teams had better dry their eyes quickly if they want to see a January bowl game, because this weekend only heightens the in-conference drama.

No. 23 Oregon at No. 9 Southern Cal

Despite preseason worries that the losses of running back Jonathan Stewart and quarterback Dennis Dixon would derail the Ducks’ offense, Oregon has scorched defenses early in 2008. Give most of the credit to an unstoppable running attack that is averaging 309 yards per game, good for fourth in the nation.

If linebacker Rey Maualuga and the USC defense can’t stop Oregon on the ground, the Trojans’ season may be over.

Rating: 4 out of 5 footballs

No. 12 Florida at Arkansas

Florida entered last Saturday’s home game overlooking Mississippi as it anticipated a showdown with Louisiana State on October 11th. Unfortunately for the Gators, Mississippi was clearly focused on Tebow and came away from the Swamp with the huge upset. Now, Florida must regroup against an equally wounded Arkansas team that was dominated by Texas, 52-10, in Austin.

Florida will be heavily favored to win this SEC game — just as it was against Mississippi.

Rating: 3 out of 5 footballs

No. 14 Ohio State at No. 18 Wisconsin

Ohio State may have cruised last Saturday against Minnesota, but their 35-3 loss to Southern Cal earlier this season now looks even worse after the Trojans fell to Oregon State. The Badgers are still in shock after their second-half collapse in the 500th game in Michigan Stadium.

Wisconsin has won three of its last five games against the Buckeyes. If Ohio State wins, it can consider itself back in the race for the National Championship and Wisconsin’s hopes for a Big Ten title will be all but dead. If the Badgers can pull off the small upset, they will still have a shot at representing the conference in the Rose Bowl and the Buckeyes’ hopes for another BCS Championship game will be extinguished.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 footballs

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Best Sports Weekend Since Gilgamesh Beat FC Dallas

Only so much can be said about the awesomeness of this weekend in sports. Let's review what went down:

-No. 1 USC lost at unranked Oregon State on Thursday night.
-No. 3 Georgia lost at home against no. 8 Alabama.
-No. 4 Florida lost at home against unranked Mississippi.
-No. 16 Wake Forest lost at home against unranked Navy.
-No. 20 Clemson lost at home against unranked Maryland.

-The Mets lost at home to the Marlins to seppuku themselves out of the playoffs for the second straight year.
-The Brewers beat the Cubs at home to clinch the wild card thanks solely to arguably the two most awesome baseball players in the majors right now, Ryan SuperJew Braun and C.C. The Second C is for Extra Cheese Sabathia.

-The Washington Redskins, who I don't really care about, beat the Dallas Cowboys, whom I positively despise, on the road. Every week TV analysts declare the NFC East to be the best division in football and summarily spend the next thirty minutes talking about the Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles. Let me tell you something, my friends: the Giants are terrible and they will finish last in the World's Best Division. They might be 11-5, but they will finish last. Pinkie swear.
-The rest of the NFC proves that it is terrible beyond words. Both the North and the West could very well send sub-.500 champions to the playoffs. Disgraceful.
-The Bills and Titans are totally awesome. I don't know why I like that so much. Perhaps the idea of another Music City Miracle.

-That just happened.