Thursday, January 10, 2008

Now I Can Buy More Brontosaurus Burgers!

The Washington Ted Leonsis signed otherwordly superstar Alexander Ovechkin to a 13-year, $124 million contract extension today. Leonsis, who somehow still has money despite owning an NHL franchise, has been cavalier with his checkbook before, giving Jaromir Jagr $88 million in 2001. That didn't turn out well, as Jagr coasted on his record-breaking salary for three seasons in Washington before λεονςις shipped his un-mulleted worthless ass to the NYC, where he has regained some of the panache that made him such a superstar in Tartarus, Pennsylvania.

I personally believe that this hefty salary will not negatively affect Ovechkin's performance. The guy simply loves playing hockey, and the fact that he negotiated the deal himself without the ability to speak English shows that he just wants the bread that he has earned. Ovechkin is the most important player in the NHL (Fuck you, Crosby) and at 22 is already the face of the entire league. If his production does not diminish, and Pittsburgh continues to be a terrible city (I see no reason why that would change), then the portly bearded Greek could be looking at an eventual profit. For anyone who would like to claim that Crosby has the brighter future, and that I am not being objective, consider this:

Hockey is a full-contact sport, probably the most physically punishing sport that is widely watched (and therefore highly paid) in North America. A man must be strong like bull if he is going to survive amongst the goons of the league. Sidney Crosby, who is not Barry Melrose's favorite player (and that's what counts), stands at an unimpressive 5-11 and weighs around 185 pounds. Quickness my ass. Alexander the Great, who eats people, is a monstrous 6-3, 225-pound Russian beast. Furthermore, it took Crosby 3 seasons to log his first major penalty. He has served only 95 career minutes in the sin bin. Ovechkin, meanwhile, has 126 career penalty minutes, most of which came after he somewhat illegally chopped another player's head off with his skate.

Basically, I just really like this story. I love Ovechkin's talent, energy, passion, and endearingly quotable mishaps with English. I like Ted Leonsis, who is perhaps the most accessible and communicative sports figure in America. I love the fact that Leonsis and the Capitals organization realized that their uniforms were all bronze and black and decided to restyle them into the most kick-ass uniforms in the NHL. They don't even need throwbacks!

I think Ovechkin is the best hockey player in the NHL right now, and he deserves all nine figures. Хорошая работа!

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